Oh FUCK

Yep, another ear infection. My poor girl. I hate this

Ok, let’s bring on ANOTHER round of antibiotics that will create some super bacterium one day that will kill us all.

October 10. That is when we see the ear nose throat guy. UGh. Do you hear TUBES? I think I do.

I get to see both of my children go under before their second birthday…(Soleil had tear duct surgery at 13 months old)

I am getting ahead of myself, but FUCK FUCK FUCK

On to September and Bureaucracy

Oh man, I am tired. Luna is currently at the doctor with Dr. Jay. The
$64 million question? Does she have another ear infection? She
is acting like it. She is sleeping HORRIBLY, waking every 45
minutes. I am afraid she will need ear tubes.

Tonight we get to pack. The long hated awaited
family weekend to Cleveland has arrived. It isn’t that I don’t like
Cleveland. I actually love my in-laws with all of my heart. I just am
not ready to drive 13 (that’s 13) hours with my kids. Twice in a
week. At least there will be almost everybody there! We are basically
having a huge family reunion. When I got pregnant with Soleil, we had
7 second cousins. We have now added 10 more (ok, number 10 should show
up ANY DAY NOW). Does it count that three are triplets? Anyway, 10
kids in 3 years is alot and I can’t wait to see all of the kiddos!

Did I mention it is a 13 hour drive?

Speaking of drives, I had to drive 50 miles EACH WAY to a stupid
insurance hearing today. Two years ago, before Soleil hit 1, I was in
a car accident. The lovely Commonwealth of Massachusetts has a rule
that if you are the back car in a rear end collision, it’s your fault
(ignore the fact that it had just rained and my brakes locked up). So
I appealed immediately in September 2003. I JUST had my hearing today
to appeal the decision. I have been paying $400 extra on my car
insurance since the accident. Lovely. Hopefully, in 30 days the woman
who listened to me today will agree that if my brakes hadn’t locked up
I wouldn’t have hit the other car. Mass keeps these things on your
record for 6 years. But why did they send me half way across the state
when I could have gone to Boston? hmm…Let’s see Boston, 16 miles
from home, Worcester, 50…Let’s go to Worcester.
grrrrr

By the way, did I mention I had a 13 hour drive coming up? 13 hours?

(oh hey, our toilet is fixed!)

Becky is here!!!

My good friend Becky is here to visit. She’s brought her 8 year old
son (when the HELL did he turn 8? He was 2 weeks old at our
wedding…). Her daughter chose to stay home with grandparents. Eh,
more ice cream for us!

I miss my good friends. I have some friends here, but not like where I
grew up. Isn’t that odd? We make the best of friends every where as we
grow up and then we leave and are stuck learning to make friends
again. Why does that happen?

I have made several good friend over the Internet.
One friend and I got along so well when we talked in person
that I almost forgot that we were axe-murderers and barely knew each
other outside of our web connection. Oh what a tangled web we surf. I
wish at least two of my Internet friends were in my town. I would go
for walks with them, and have our kids play together. I would enjoy
having a “girlfriend” to go to when life requires it.

Anyway, I expect to take Becky out to Bedford Farms tonight for some
ice cream. Yummy and so worth it since Dr. Jay can’t have ice cream
during his crohn’s flare up.

To Friends!

Pig Island!

Welcome to my life, I can only sing “Pig Island”. Let me backtrack a bit. Soleil just turned 3 a month ago. She is teaching herself how to read with Sandra Boynton’s
Philadelphia Chickens. Lovely. This means we listen to this DAMN ALBUMN CONSTANTLY (except track 10. Soleil hates track 10 and will go on for hours about how track 10 is horrible. I think it has to do with the aardvarks.) Apparently, there are BOY songs (sung by men) GIRL songs and Pig Island.
Dr Jay (AKA daddy) can sing the boy songs. Soleil can sing the girl songs. Mommy can sing Pig Island AND ONLY Pig Island.

A conversation from the ride to day care today:
Me: “cows! We’re remarkable cows!”
Soleil: “No! Mommy! You can only sing seventeen!”
Me: (to the tune of cows) “seventeen. We’re remarkable seventeen!”
Soleil:”NO NO NO! Only SONG seventeen. Only Pig Island”
Me: (to the tune of cows) “Pig Island! Pig Island!”
Soleil: (laughing, but getting a wee bit pissed at mom at this point) “NO ONLY WHEN SEVENTEEN IS PLAYING! NO MORE SINGING MOMMY! NO MORE UNLESS IT IS PIG ISLAND PLAYING”
Me: Fine…(I start whistling the cows song)
Soleil. NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

Sigh such is my life. Thanks Sandra Boynton. My ride in the car is now a living hell. Scott Bakula and I can sing Pig Island. I actually listened to the albumn when I was alone in the car so I could sing the other songs….

Here’s a Thought

Dr. Jay and I just got back from a short walk. He commented:

What are your goals in life? If your goal is to sit on a beach and drink a margarita, would one week a year be enough for you?

Interesting. Must think some more about this…

So what exactly ARE my goals in life?

Linear regression and Toilets

Anyone want to tell me why I can’t get this damn linear data set to
fit through zero? Anyone? Anyone? (ok, I know the answer, it’s because
it ISN’T LINEAR!)

I was home with the girls yesterday. Man they can wear me out. Renee
is at that stage of “I want to do things, but I can’t tell you, so I
am going to squeak and squawk until I get my way” (place maniacal
laughing here). AHHHH she slept for 40 minutes yesterday. 40
minutes!!! The girl turns 14 months old tomorrow. I actually ENJOY my
down time when she naps and Leslie watches some tv. Sigh.

Leslie is driving me batty. When we were in North Carolina, we saw a
snake skin, so I explained how snakes lost their skin. Then we saw
another snake at the zoo actually shedding. Now every day, I answer
the question “Mom, how do (insert your favorite furry mammal here)
take off their skins?” I finally got chippy this morning and told her
that she needs to visit a taxidermist. Jay was not pleased with this
answer.

So here’s the question of the day. HOW DO YOU FOLKS DO THIS? I never
thought having two kids would suck so much of my energy. I feel like a
machine that is running around making life work for others. How do
people survive this? I wonder this all of the time. I figure I have
life pretty easy, right? My girls are well mannered if not intense,
and I work 4 days a week, play with them 3 days a week, life should be
easy, right?

Nope!

But some good news, the check engine light went off…

But the toilet is leaking and when you go to check it, the hose pops
out and sprays water all over you, the walls, the mirror. If it didn’t
piss off Jay so much, I would laugh more at it..He thinks the toilet
hates him…

The X-ray School

Back to school time girls and boys!
So I foolishly signed up for the X-ray School. I really don’t know how
to process X-ray data, so here I am. My insecurities are taking over
again. Most of the people here are either graduate students or young
PhDs (on their first post docs). I often feel like I am the stupid one
who isn’t going to be Dr. W… Sigh. But in truth, most of the people
here are very much like me. Nobody truly understands what they are
doing. We are all wading through this.

I have decided to skip the lectures today. I have a massive headache
and collapsed in bed as soon as we got home last night. I am debating
between a cold or my allergies going hay wire. I think it may be the
latter as the pollen counts are INSANE lately.

Anyway, I feel torn now between doing my “real” work or doing work for
the x-ray school. To be honest, they are the same… I get paid for
doing some research. And I get paid for the instrument operations. And
going to the school will help me in my work. But I feel like I am
leaving my work behind.

I still haven’t called Crazy H to hand her the clue by 4. I really
need to, but I think she is out on Thursday nights.. Oh well.

So how do you get to be sick when you have kids? Anyone? Anyone?

Patapalooza

Wow, am I growing up or what? We were invited to Patapalooza this
weekend. We spent a weekend driving 3.5 hours to Western Maine,
playing in Long Lake, getting 2 crazy girls to bed, and then playing
adults (I’m not an adult, I just play one on TV)..

It was really a peculiar weekend. We now most of these people from my
friend H (hereafter known as Crazy H), and her husband. This is the
first time we’ve been invited to this event. It was also the first
time since Pat’s mom passed away that this event has been held. Here’s
the set up: 1 Lake house, 4 kids under 3 (ok, Leslie just turned 3), 4
couples, 2 singles and a widower, a nasty dog that is dying and
several spiders that were large enough to carry Renee off on their
backs.

Pat and H were our hosts. H and I had a really long talk about how we
have all grown up. This used to be a big party, and now we were more
relaxed, less drinking (WHY??) and more sleep (although I blame the
kids). It was also very nice to just sit back and relax.

Crazy H was driving me nuts again. She has become a bitter person. I
don’t get it. My lovely DH (we’ll call him Jay- his DJ name from his
radio days), pointed out something so important. She needs to learn
that we are insignificant in life. We are not special. We are just
cogs. And once we accept this, we are free to break the chains of what
others think and we can live for ourselves. In 100 years, only my
family will know of me. I will have made a difference to those who
love me, but screw every else.

All in all, I enjoyed the weekend, but I was frustrated with how crazy
Crazy H has gotten. I have been asked to hand her the Clue by
4… Sigh, that is a hard task…

Stop the World…it’s going too fast!

The world continues to spin, at an increasingly dizzy rate! We are
heading up to Maine tomorrow for a short weekend with friends. This is
the first time we have gone to “Patapalooza”, a weekend of fun with
our friend Pat. The first we heard of these, no one had kids. Now
there are 4 kids going, Leslie being the oldest.

Work, UGH. Turns out the 1 paragraph abstract I wrote for the meeting
in Hawai’i is supposed to be TWO PAGES! GAH! Like I have time to write
up two pages by Monday? No! So I’ll just swipe what I wrote in my last
poster and continue on. Next week, I am giving up my Monday off and
going to X-ray astronomy school. Every one I work with is amazed I am
doing this. Just because I wrote x-ray astronomical software and
because I work on science projects doesn’t mean I know what I am
doing. My background is in optical astronomy, not x-ray. VERY
different. So I want to learn so I can do more with x-ray data.

We had a team meeting yesterday at the other end of the city at the
OCC (operation control center). The owners of the building are
expanding the building, so we felt the whole building shake the entire
3.5 hours we were there. I got so sick. In addition, I went to the
bathroom and realized I forgot some extra “supplies”. The problem with
working on an all male team is that you can’t just walk up to your
co-worker and say “Hey, do you have a spare tampon I can use? I forgot
one.” Somehow, I don’t think any of the 4 guys on my team would know
what to do.

I came away from the meeting with about 12 things to do in the next
two weeks. I should be working instead of writing, but I want to get
into the habit of writing. I want to get better at writing since some
day, I would like to write something. It ranks up there with the
pastry chef idea and my oil paintings.

And the check engine light is still on. Think I should call the Ford
dealer and get that taken care of?

Check Engine Please

What a surprise, the restaurant turned out ok. Leslie did well, Renee
did well, Max wanted Renee’s high chair instead of a booster, so we
got him one, Anna lost it when her dad took away her spaghetti (note
to J: Don’t take away all of her spaghetti. Take a little from her in
the beginning or leave her some at the end, but don’t take it all!)
I didn’t get anything at the bar. Note to self, just because a place
says “Kids eat Free” doesn’t mean the adult food is any good.

Anyway, life continues to roll. I had a long conversation with my
loving DH today at lunch (still debating what to call him). We talked
about how incredibly hard it is to find yourself when you are doing so
much for the kids. I never realized that life would take this
turn. The songs going through my head are children’s music, I can’t
imagine a movie theatre anymore (or at least I can’t justify wasting
my precious babysitters on a movie), I can’t wait to go to bed and
it’s for the sleep, not the sex. Will my life forever be on a course
of helping my kids and not myself? I know that the answer is no and
that I will be able to start up my life, my activities again in the
future.

I also wonder how selfish I am to want to have some of my old life
back. I mean, we sacrificed so much to have kids and now I want some
of that me time back. Is this really selfish? Or is it just human?

I was very good last night at the restaurant. I saw a couple with a
4 month old. Renee stopped by and kept pointing to
the little girl while I said “Yes, that’s a baby”. I never said “Just
wait until they are older.” I hated that when I was a new mom. Just
enjoy the moment. Enjoy the smiles that you get from a 4 month
old. Enjoy the pure love sans tantrums. Enjoy the coos without words
even as you are dying for the words to come. Every stage is
precious. Every stage is wondrous. Enjoy it mommy, enjoy.

As we left day care this morning, my check engine light stayed
on. Lovely. The adventure continues.