It comes down to this…

As it is the last day of September, we are doing that all American thing of going to a baseball game tonight! Yes, you too can have an upset stomach as you watch the Red Sox battle
the evil empire (aka the New York Yankees) for the top of the AL east.

I cannot watch the games on TV anymore. Last night, Papi hit a single that drove home the winning run. I thought I would puke from the tension. And I don’t even consider the Red Sox as my team yet. I mean, what, I’ve been living in Boston for 9 years? The Indians are still the main team I cheer for. Oh, and anyone who is playing the Yankees.

And now it is down to the Red Sox and the Yankees. I need the Red Sox
to win. I can’t stand the Yankees.

So, we head out tonight, for Baseball! GO RED SOX

Q & A

Ok guys, enough quietly reading and not responding.

I was cutting the lawn today and thinking. The kids are wearing me down, but I thought of my favorite question, “Why did I decide to have kids?”

To be perfectly honest, I still don’t know. There was some sort of drive (probably biological) and it just hit me that it was time to have kids. When the infertility set in, I had many thoughts about this. Do I need to have kids? (yes) Do I need to have bio-kids? (no) How far am I willing to go to have bio-kids? (IVF, never got to it). But it doesn’t answer the question, WHY? Now, Dr. Jay is far more together on this. He wanted kids to experience it all. He feels that life needs to be experienced and raising children are one of those experiences that one should do. He claims to be selfish, but I find this a very neat reason. I still ponder this question..

So for those readers who

  • are parents OR
  • are planning to be parents


Who needs sleep?

Oh My G-d. My children are Leonardo DiVinci on STEROIDS! He only slept 4 hours a night? Ha! These two can get by on 2 hours… COMBINED.. Shit, there goes Luna. Better go get her..ok, I’m back.

I left work at 4:30. I even stopped by the Mission Planning office to swipe some chocolate, KNOWING I would need it. I am near tears here. I got Luna down to bed at 7:45. I thought I did well. They both were happy and playing before bed. We watched Sawga on Demand (Thank you comcast for ONE thing you got right) and then I popped in a Clifford DVD for Soleil while I got Luna down. Soleil took longer. At this point, (10:15pm) Luna has been up 4 times. Soleil 2. We’ve had potty breaks, Joe-o’s (like cheerios), crying little one, crying mommy.

I should be stronger than this. Why do two small children turn me into a mess at night? I swear up and down that I know that I did nothing wrong in sleep habits. I even had the thought of calling up my BIL and telling him to come on over and take care of my kids and put them to bed while I go have a drink and relax. Soleil really is testing growing up. She asked for a sippy tonight. I kid you not. The girl who loves her bottle asked for a sippy to go to bed with. It could be because we talked about trading her bottles for a magnifying glass today. Or she could be getting the fact that she is growing up.

Luna is on a mental roll. She correctly handed Dad the blocks that he asked for by color. She got red, blue, yellow and green correct on the first try. wow. She is saying more and more words by the day. You do have to listen to hear them, but I think between her molars and her vocabulary, this girl can’t stop her brain and therefore can’t sleep.

I dream of those children who drift off to sleep, their eyelids fluttering, their breathing slowing while mommy and daddy watch from the doorway. I imagine how wonderful a full night’s sleep would be night after night. I know these children exist. I hear about them all of the time.

I know, I know. In a few more years, sleep will come again. I know that I will get my groove back. But for now, this is one tired mamma.

Soleil 3 Grandma 0

Well, Now that the ‘rents are heading back home, we can all take a big sigh of relief.

Please, understand that they were helpful. And the girls LOVED playing with their grandparents.

However, my parents and I are of a different mindset with parenting and it showed this weekend. Soleil is, um, strong willed. Many people describe her as “intense”. She and my mom got into three fights. I give all points to Soleil!

Fight #1:
I tell Soleil it is cleanup time and that there will be no nighttime TV if we don’t clean up. She starts to “fix” a toy while I change Luna for bed. While I do the diaper change, I hear my mom yelling and telling Soleil no TV. Deep breath. I got Soleil calmed down and talked to her alone. Turns out she wasn’t putting toys away until she fixed the toy she was working on. My mom cleaned up everything and then yelled at Soleil for not doing it. I told Soleil that she should have explained to grandma what she was doing. I told Mom that we don’t do Soleil’s jobs for her. We ask why she isn’t doing it and then we move on to getting her to do it. They apologized to each other. My mom said she didn’t realize Soleil was fixing something (because she didn’t LISTEN)

Fight #2:
I am showering and Soleil is crying at my bedroom door. She wants to use my bathroom instead of the main bath. Mom wants her to use the main bath. Honey, I don’t care WHICH toilet my kid uses as long as the pee goes IN a toilet and NOT my carpets. Sheesh She’s 3! She can pick which ever potty she wants!

Fight #3:
(ok, maybe not a fight) Last night, BOTH Soleil and Luna were screaming and I am running between the rooms. Neither kid will take Grandma or Poppa. Finally, mom gets Soleil calm. I hear “Don’t cry. It hurts my ears and I will leave if you cry because you are hurting me” (Note to mom SHE’S UPSET and SHE’S THREE! Just because she acts like she is 6 sometimes doesn’t mean she has the self control of a 6 year old. SHE’s 3!!!) She tells Soleil that mommy can’t be in both rooms at once.
When I get in there, Soleil throws herself at me and cries. I calm her. Then I explain that I can’t be with both of them at the same time. Soleil looks at me and said “Grandma said that, but she was being wrong. I can go in Luna’s room with you!” (I love her logic skills)


Ok- So my parents left today….

Hey, anyone want to babysit my beautiful, CALM children for 30 minutes on Friday so we can get to the Red Sox, Yankees game on time?

For Moms to Be…Take Note!

Let’s say you enjoy sleep. And let’s say, you have digital cable…
Then you MUST start checking that you have NOGGIN now! What is Noggin? It is the best way to get sleep past 6am in the morning! When Soleil and Luna wake early, we plop them on our bed and turn on Noggin and go back to sleep. Or I make snarky comments during Miffy or Oobi or Dora (ok, let’s be serious folks. Dora is SIX, has she not figured out yet to walk AROUND an obstacle instead of insisting on finding a way THROUGH it? Hmmm? Soleil is now parroting my snark during Dora… Bad Mom). Or you can just sing to the goofy songs in Maisy.

But seriously, this is the best TV this side of PBS. Speaking of PBS, Clifford is da bomb! (and Sagwa, but I can’t convince Soleil of that)

Change in Plans!

Here’s a change in plans! My parents called from North Carolina around 2pm and told me that they are planning to come up this weekend to help with the girls while Dr. Jay is out of the country. Wow..

I am both excited and nervous…I usually have some major parenting conflict with my parents, but I do want my kids to spend time with Grandma Judy and Poppa Ray…

Wow, what a change in plans, eh?

Mood Music

For those who know my on-line, I suffer post partum depression. For those who truly know me, I am a depressive person. One of the songs on Luna’s bedtime CD is Beethoven’s Moonlight Sonata. I don’t know if I can describe in words the impression this music puts on me. I will try. Here is a recording of this piece.

The left hand plays an undercurrent that is reminiscent of a rolling ocean. I can see the waves moving back and forth in my mind, but they are not comforting, rather they speak of an angry ocean that is looking to claim human souls as trophies. The right hand plays a melody that makes one seek the source, a siren calling for the person to come find it. I find myself drifting, while I hold Luna, my eyes closed, searching the dark shore for this siren. I can feel myself being pulled towards the dark waters, I can almost see the dead under the waves, beckoning me to come forth and join. There is an overwhelming desire inside me to let myself walk into the water, let the waves swallow me and leave no trace of me behind.

No, this is not a suicidal post, but an glimpse into how a simple song can overpower one’s emotions.

What am I IN for?

On Friday, Dr. Jay is heading out to a meeting in Spain. I will be single mom to the girls for a week. I don’t work on Mondays, so my first half of this week is being with the girls, 24/3 (instead of 24/7, of course). Then I get to go to work Tuesday-Thursday and he comes home on Thursday night. I am scared. Can I handle this? I am lucky that I am going through the “good” part of my cycle. I have PPD and the week before my period I can really be a bitch. I have MUCH more patience when I am in the early part of my cycle.

I am scared to put them down for bed. If you haven’t noticed, the girls are a pain in the ass (PITA) to get to sleep. Luna is a screamer. Luckily, she doesn’t throw up when you leave her the way Soleil did. Soleil will constantly ask for one more thing. And she “needs” mommy. Every night. I am trying to figure out how to handle this. I don’t let Luna cry it out. For all of those people for whom this works, I am very honestly thrilled with you. Vicki and Rose, especially. But I can’t do it. It is me. I get panic attacks when I let them cry. Serious honest to G-d panic attacks. So, I will let Luna cry for 5 minutes at a time, but I just can’t go longer than that. I don’t want her to suffer and I just panic, so… How do I keep Soleil calm while I get Luna down? Any suggestions are welcome.

I can handle the days. Even when things get crazy, I can handle the days. But the nights scare me. If Luna wakes several times, should I bring her in my bed? She will probably expect it then and I don’t want that habit to start. Not when she hogs the whole bed when she gets in there already (yes, she is 31 inches long and can take up an entire queen sized bed. How the hell do they do that?)

I keep thinking that if she gets the ear surgery, then she will sleep better, but deep down, I think I am kidding myself. Soleil has sleep problems, I have sleep problems, Mom has sleep problems, my SISTER has sleep problems… Sigh…

Do you think I can do this? If the weather is nice, we might venture
to the Public Garden. I love seeing the Mallards. And so do the girls!

Computer..Turn yourself off

SO here I was, 11:45pm, giving Luna a bottle. All I hear is “beep”. Ok, last I knew, my child didn’t make cheesey electronic sounds. She passed out in my arms at 12:00am (whoohoo!) and I put her in her crib. Then I started to investigate. After searching the house, I discovered it was my cell phone! Our automatic alert system at work was paging me because there were “red violations” of our instrument.

Long story short, our instrument received a spurious command to turn itself off! Yikes! Most likely, this is due to all of the solar storms we’ve been having. However, I didn’t see a single email from the person on duty, my boss. So I did what any employee would do, I called his house at 12:10am! He actually never heard the alarms and my team mate had awoken him 10 minutes earlier.

He called our house at 1:30am to ask Dr. Jay some questions (Dr. Jay and I work on the same spacecraft), and then this afternoon, we got things working again.

Wow, my mom and work life clashed! Cool. But seriously, I am glad that all is well.