Continuing on my thoughts of phoning in life.. this is quite rambling, my apologies.

For some reason, Autumn is the worst part of the year for me. Time speeds up, and I feel lost. The weather turns just enough to not be fun. It becomes cold and rainy, not crisp and cold. The sun sets sooner and sooner, and the dawn arrives later and later. As a child, school started in the autumn and while I did well in school, it held a series of social challenges that I preferred to avoid. As an adult, work still follows the school year as meeting pick up in the fall.

Moving to Boston has also thrown me. The sun sets so early here. Looking at any reasonable map, Boston should be in the Atlantic time zone; one over from the Eastern. But there is such a small part of our country that would be in the Atlantic, that it makes no sense.

I am feeling as if I am completely unproductive in all aspects of life. I am way behind in my poster (although I would be no matter how on top of things I felt). I feel like I am failing my bosses. I feel like I am failing my girls. Somehow, Luna’s ears have me feeling like I should have done something sooner. But what could I do? Once her initial ear infection went 8 weeks long, we scheduled the first consult with the specialist. We’ve been seeing him all summer. So why do I feel guilt? I KNOW I have done everything I can.

Home, I feel completely behind on everything. Where does this come from? Why does this permeating depression come from? I mean besides the PPD. Where does this layer come from?
Why am I measuring my self worth by goals that are not real? My children are mostly happy, we are comfortable, I have a wonderful husband who even supports my crazy blogging.

I wish I understood this drive to attain goals. It’s something that has plagued me all my life.
I wish I had learned how to just be happy to be happy…