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From the inner part of my soul November 3, 2005

Posted by spacemom in : Depression , 5 comments

Ok this is from the heart.

here’s the executive summary for those who don’t know. Julie, aka
Wynona, left a private web board after I exposed her. She claimed her
computer was hacked and she still does. Then she broke into the
web board using one of the member’s password. Than she grabbed a thread
where unfavorable things were said about someone, created a false
yahoo account under someone else’s LEGAL name and sent it to the
person who was the target.  This has ripped about a community that was
loosely bound, but now is ripped apart. Now Julie is posting that she
has bi-polar disorder and she is getting help. But she still claims
her computer was hacked.

So what are my feelings?
First, I do admit to being catty. I am human and I admit it.

Second, I am incredibly hurt by Julie’s actions. I can’t believe that
her computer was hacked. I can’t believe that someone would simply
hack into her computer to harass me on my blog. That is incredibly
silly. And that this person HAPPENED to be near her work and home.

Third, I feel stupid and mean, but I can’t accept that she is getting
help. I feel villianized on the larger public web board, but Julie has
gotten forgiveness. Somehow that makes me sick.
I wrote the following note to Julie, but I won’t send it.

I feel compelled to write to you. Dr. Jay wants me to walk away
and never speak to you again.
I am not sure what I want to say.

I want to believe that you are getting help, but I can’t help but
wonder if you are just saying that. Does (your DH) know?
Have you trusted him?
I have questions beyond belief…
Why me? You told me that I kept hurting you, but I never saw how.
Now you have hurt me in ways that are irreparable.
I have lost friendships because of your
actions. I trusted the whole Refuge with sensitive things about Dr Jay…
our lives and now I feel so ripped apart.

I think I need to write this out. I don’t know if I will ever send it.

You have hurt the entire refuge in ways that you will never understand.
I will never trust a word you write again. How can I? You lied about
the blog spot, you broke our trust. I am so hurt.
I wonder if you lied to Kimmy about getting help. I can only hope
that you are. I worry about the safety of my home. You are so close
to me physically, I worried about things when you came to my blog.
Now I worry that you are still on your rampage of hate and
will hurt my family. You have destroyed my security.

I don’t think I will send this to you, but I need to get this out
—-

So this is how I am feeling right now… I guess I will walk away from
this shit soon, but this is how I feel today. It doesn’t help that I am in my worst part of my cycle. The depression turns on after ovulation and my soul is clouded in a black haze. Today is one of those days….