I have wondered if I should post this, but last night, I felt I needed to write this out. I am getting back into the depression fog. I don’t know why. Perhaps I missed my ovulation date this month. I should start kicking my lexapro up to 15mg tomorrow. But last night, I "fell into despair" (I tripped on a worry)*. I was helping Luna to bed. She was a bit annoyed when I told her that if she got up over night, I would help her. She wants Daddy. Every night. I think telling her that I would come helped because she slept through last night. But as she was resting in her crib and I was in the comfy chair waiting for her to calm herself into sleep, I got a strong sinking feeling.
The voice inside my head and I had a talk
The Voice:" Is this what life is now?"
Me: "what do you mean"
The Voice:"work, come home, chase kids, corral them into bed, hope they get to bed before 9:30 and then collapse"
Me:"Um, I guess"
The Voice:"Don’t you want your life back?"
Me:"This is my life!"
The Voice:"OK kid, whatever helps you sleep at night"
Me:"Wait a minute. I love these kids! They are just well, kids! Soleil’s not even 4, Luna’s not 2. Shouldn’t they need me more at these ages?"
The Voice:"According to society, you should be teaching them to be more independent. Hell, your own mother in law is terrified of watching them this summer because they don’t sleep"
Me:"Won’t they have to be independent most of their lives? Why is sleep such a big deal?"
The Voice:"Because Good Parents know how to get their kids in bed"
Me:
The Voice:"You know that is it, right?"

And there I left the conversation because Luna was asleep. Sleep is our biggest issue. And I feel like a total and complete failure in this respect. I don’t know why. My grandparents told me that even when my mom was 4 they had to drive her to get her to sleep. My parents told me that they couldn’t let me calm myself to sleep, I would throw up. I don’t sleep well, I am prone to insomnia. Why should I let society tell me what to do with sleep? I don’t know, but somehow, when my guard is down, this is my biggest issue, I can’t get my kids to go to bed and to stay in bed.

* We have been listening to "Beauty and the Beast" in the car since I ripped it to my MP3 player. Soleil always asks "Why did the Beast fall into despair?" And yesterday Dr. Jay answered "He tripped on a worry". "Why did he trip on a worry, Daddy?" I told him he deserved that one!