I am back in the fog March 24, 2006
Posted by spacemom in : Depression, Nance, I dream of sleep , trackbackI have wondered if I should post this, but last night, I felt I needed to write this out. I am getting back into the depression fog. I don’t know why. Perhaps I missed my ovulation date this month. I should start kicking my lexapro up to 15mg tomorrow. But last night, I "fell into despair" (I tripped on a worry)*. I was helping Luna to bed. She was a bit annoyed when I told her that if she got up over night, I would help her. She wants Daddy. Every night. I think telling her that I would come helped because she slept through last night. But as she was resting in her crib and I was in the comfy chair waiting for her to calm herself into sleep, I got a strong sinking feeling.
The voice inside my head and I had a talk
The Voice:" Is this what life is now?"
Me: "what do you mean"
The Voice:"work, come home, chase kids, corral them into bed, hope they get to bed before 9:30 and then collapse"
Me:"Um, I guess"
The Voice:"Don’t you want your life back?"
Me:"This is my life!"
The Voice:"OK kid, whatever helps you sleep at night"
Me:"Wait a minute. I love these kids! They are just well, kids! Soleil’s not even 4, Luna’s not 2. Shouldn’t they need me more at these ages?"
The Voice:"According to society, you should be teaching them to be more independent. Hell, your own mother in law is terrified of watching them this summer because they don’t sleep"
Me:"Won’t they have to be independent most of their lives? Why is sleep such a big deal?"
The Voice:"Because Good Parents know how to get their kids in bed"
Me:
The Voice:"You know that is it, right?"
And there I left the conversation because Luna was asleep. Sleep is our biggest issue. And I feel like a total and complete failure in this respect. I don’t know why. My grandparents told me that even when my mom was 4 they had to drive her to get her to sleep. My parents told me that they couldn’t let me calm myself to sleep, I would throw up. I don’t sleep well, I am prone to insomnia. Why should I let society tell me what to do with sleep? I don’t know, but somehow, when my guard is down, this is my biggest issue, I can’t get my kids to go to bed and to stay in bed.
* We have been listening to "Beauty and the Beast" in the car since I ripped it to my MP3 player. Soleil always asks "Why did the Beast fall into despair?" And yesterday Dr. Jay answered "He tripped on a worry". "Why did he trip on a worry, Daddy?" I told him he deserved that one!
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Just wanted to stop by and say I feel for you. Depression is so hard - I know!
Sending good thoughts and wishes. Oh, and a huge hug.
I’m sorry the fog is coming back. That’s so hard. But the first thing I thought of when I read your entry was “Wow, sleep is her biggest issue. That’s great!” Really, so many parents have so many issues (kids don’t listen and are disrespectful, kids have behavorial problems, kids have learning problems, medical problems, etc)(think SuperNanny) and if sleep is your biggest issue then count yourself lucky. Soleil was hard at this age too and now she’s pretty good, yes? Luna will get there too. On top of that, you are a great mom. Truly. Whenever I think of a great mom I know and how she would handle a certain situation YOU are one of the ones I think of. So pat yourself on the back.
Sleep is such a hard one, though. I find sleep issues the most difficult to deal with and the most frustrating. Hugs and may this phase pass quickly.
I’m glad you share the “conversations in your head”. It helps us all understand depression better.
There are very few young children without “sleep issues”, which should be all in the information we need to question the assumptions regarding “baseline normal” inherent to that “diagnosis”. In other words, our society has a warped notion of “normal sleep behaviour”, which sets too many mamas up for perceived failure. You’re doing fine!
Oh Spacemom, you know I hear you on this. I am so sorry that youy are dealing with this. I have an email to you that I am working on…will actually try to get it out tomorrow or Tuesday. In the immortal words of James Frey: “Hold On”. (hope you laughed at that, or I feel bad for even trying to make that joke) hugs and good juju being sent your way.
Hey Nance, I’ve been in the fog before. I understand it and know it’s not as easy to “snap out of it!” as people think.
Ack friend. I sometimes feel as though I should have this parenting thing down with Finn, but alas, we struggle with sleep too - he’s still up at midnight, 3 am, and 5:30 for the day! Anyone I tell this to thinks I’m nuts to ‘just deal with it.’ I struggle a few times every day with how to proceed the coming night; you know we do CIO too - but come 3 am, I CAN’T!!! I know he’ll outgrow it, and until then, I’ll gripe and drink a shitload of coffee. *sigh* Hugs buddy - I dare say this time of year can be heavy on the emotions, too. I’ve been a bit foggy myself. Desperate for warm and spring, I suppose. Thinking of you -
Thanks everybody. I really appreciate all of the comments. It does make me feel better with it all!
I know I’m coming in late here (busy week
but honest to goodness, I think sleep needs/patterns are largely individual/genetic/etc. and you can only influence them so much. So what if your kids aren’t “easy” sleepers- what does this mean? IMO, it means *nothing.* It doesn’t mean you’re doing anything wrong, it doesn’t reflect your worth as a parent AT ALL.
Sometimes I worry what others think, too. But mostly I’m growing more comfortable with letting my kids be who they are, without hinging my worth on the places where they struggle or thrive. And to hell with everyone else!