Good Harbor April 20, 2006
Posted by spacemom in : Life...otherwise , add a commentI started a new book today while I was exercising called "Good Harbor". I remember this book was politely panned in the Boston Globe when it came out. The author only has one other work of fiction, and it was amazing. However, she had good background material! (ok- in doing the link search I found she has a new book out as of 8/05)
As I was reading this book, I was immediately drawn in. First, the two main characters are Jewish; one from birth, one from conversion. Secondly, they are both mothers. Thirdly, one of the characters went through fertility treatments to have her 12 year old daughter. The other character has lost a child.
As the one character is exploring her relationship with her daughter, I am compelled to think about Soleil and Luna in 8 years. Soleil will be 12, Luna 10. Will Soleil shut us out? Will she be a "typical teen?" Will Luna be hurt by her sister’s need for isolation? Will I keep my cool when she goes hormonal on us? And when Luna reaches that phase, will Soleil help her? Or will the house just be full of three hormonal women?
Soleil gives us glimpses of the future. She is very testy and has always been. She will run off to her room and shut the door to have alone time. We have told her this is fine. I usually stop by and talk to her to see if she is ok, and we have a heart to heart. But this is so not 4 year old behavior (ok, she’ll be 4 in July). Our cousin who has an 18 year old and a 12 year old (both girls) told us that the behaviors you see as toddlers come back when they hit the teen years.
Luna is still to young to gage. She has this happy-go-lucky attitude that I can barely understand. I wonder how she will be as her personality really emerges in the 2-3 year old phase (ok, she’ll be 2 in June)
My Kid won’t… April 20, 2006
Posted by spacemom in : Mom Phrases , 2 commentsBK (before kids), I would hear this phrase often. Usually from my mouth. "My kid won’t (fill in the blank with hideous behavior)". Then I became a parent. And something happened. I realized that I can only control a portion of my child’s behavior. I cannot force her to do certain things.
Here’s an example:
Luna. Yesterday. On the plane. She cried during takeoff and promptly fell asleep after that. I could hear the voice saying "My kid would never do that" in the background. But the child was tired. She was confined to a row of seats on an airplane and didn’t understand WHY she had to sit still. That’s a tough thing to explain to an almost 2 year old.
We realized pretty early in this parenting thing that kids are, well, kids. They are not miniature adults. They are not born with a built in obedience system. They are people who are learning how to work within themselves, their emotions, their physical limitations and the outside society. That’s a lot on their plates!
Our family made the decision that we would raise our kids to be respectful, but not necessarily obedient. I wish that they would listen and do what I ask more, but instead, I ask them to talk to me about what they want to do instead. We often have discussions that go like this:
Me: "Soleil, could you please pick up the toys?"
S: "Not now"
Me:"Yes now"
S: "No!"
Me:"Soleil, can you tell me WHY you will not pick up those toys?"
S: "Mommy, I am building a car and I need those toys"
Me: "OK, then when you are finished building the car, please pick up those toys"
(shaking my head thinking, Why didn’t you just tell me that in the first place?)
The answer? She is a kid. She isn’t born with the skills we adults have. As you become a parent you do understand the phrase "pick your battles" and you understand that your kid WILL do those things that
you never wanted them to do pre-kid. It’s our job as parents to teach our kids what behaviors are acceptable, and what aren’t. And we have to expect to remind them often.
Because they are their own person and they are people with their own wills and wants.
And yes, Your kid WILL do that. At least once!
