Her name is ….

Annabelle. She told me yesterday as we were driving. I checked, it wasn’t Anna. It was Annabelle.

Soleil was dissapointed. She wanted to name the car Alexandra, but we know an Alexandra.

Annabelle. What a change from Carl she is!

(And yes, every car I have owned from Terry to Emma to Carl to Annabelle have told me their names.)

(And NO, I am not crazy)

An Ode to Macy Day

I was reading about Macy’s terrible day last night. I felt terrible for Elizabeth. This was while the girls were watching TV before books and bed.

I never quite describe Luna’s hellion ways. They really only come out at night. During the day, sure, we have some temper tantrums, but once the jammies are on and ready for bed, only then does Linda Blair arrive at our house.

Dr. Jay and I dread bedtime. The girls are amazingly great during the day. Polite, they need to listen, but what kid doesn’t? However, that damn bedtime.

Last night was my turn for Luna. It started poorly. After teeth were brushed, we went to hug Daddy. She started to kick me screaming "Daddy" the whole time. Then we went to her room. I shut the door and we went to snuggle in the comfy chair. "NO NO NO I NO WANT YOU I WANT DADDY"

I sat down, held the piece of deadwood in my arms as she arched her back and screamed. This is not an ordinary scream, no siree. We called her the Nazgul from Lord of the Rings when she was an infant. This was a scream that reverberated in my eardrums. I could hear it 10 minutes later. Or was it that she was screaming 10 minutes later. I finally calmed her enough to rest in my arms. Then she wanted her fan on. But SHE had to do it.

We got her light off, fan on, music on, and then she decided she wanted her shoes on. Or she wanted to poop on the potty (I told her to use her diaper, she didn’t like that answer) or she wanted a different pacifier. Or she wanted baby Emmy. or she wanted…you get the drift. I finally placed her in bed. It works like this: I snuggle her close, her breathing is still and deep, I hold her so her body is only resting on my arms, then I stand, I rock for 10 seconds. She is still in her deep repose. Then I start to bend to her mattress and she becomes stiff as a board screaming "NO NO NO NO NO NO NO I WANT DADDY"

We go through it again, except last night, she did her I want to pull mommy’s hair. OMG, I HATE THAT. I told her I was leaving the room because she was hurting me.

I left for 5 minutes. She stood at the threshold (she can open her door, but we put a pressure gate up when she is like this) and screamed for 5 minutes, only stopping to breathe once.
This was followed by me going back in "NO MOMMY I WANT DADDY" "sorry kiddo, screaming for Daddy means NO Daddy. You can’t scream for what you want"

She then proceeded to throw things at me.

1) Books
2) After trying to get her sneakers on over her footed sleeper, she threw her shoes at me
3) Her Baby Emmy
4) The Diaper Genie.

Yes, you read that right, my 2 year old hellion picked up the Diaper Genie to throw at me. Fortunately, it was full, so it landed on her foot (which pissed her off more).

Everything she threw at me got tossed out the door of her room. At this point, I was sitting on the floor with my back to the door so Soleil could MAYBE get some sleep.

She rushed me and pulled my hair again. She actually took some out. Finally, she collapsed on the floor kicking and screaming. I said "when you are ready for bed, go to the chair and I will help you go to bed"

In 10 minutes of kicking and screaming, she picked herself up, got her blanket and said "Mommy, I ready for bed"

She was asleep 10 minutes after that. Bedtime started at 8, ended at 9:45. I promptly poured myself a drink (a rarely drink) and ended up with 2 more shots than I should have (eh, what’s a 5 shot drink if you have a night like this) and promptly crashed after I finished the drink.

So Elizabeth- You are not alone. Spirited children are alive and well in my house…
Trust me!

The Car Saga

Whew, What a wild and crazy week this has been!

Okay- On Monday, Dr. Jay and I went to two dealers. We were dissed at one. Sergio, our sales man turned down the price the other dealer gave us.
"The other dealer must have a catch. Go to them, find the catch and then come back to me"
So you want us to leave your dealership? okay. we can do that!

We had lunch, went to dealer number 2. I repeated their offer back to them and they countered and we took it (okay, I took it) and got the Cargo net at dealer cost.

Called Sergio back and he was astounded that we didn’t buy from him (hey, car dealers, NEVER LET A POTENTIAL BUYER LEAVE FOR ANOTHER DEALER!)

On Tuesday, I showed my Contour to someone. She declined it. I posted the Contour on Craig’s list for $1800. I got 2 emails on it, one person declined once she read the carfax because it listed two accidents. The other person was really interested.

Last night, I showed the kid and his dad the car. I let them poke around at everything. Went with them for a test drive, left them to talk about it in the driveway.

Dr. Jay had asked me "So you ask $1800, what do you want for it?"
"$1400 at least"
"So you have negotiation between $1800 and $1400?"

The dad asked me last night "What do you really want for the car? I don’t want to have to go back and forth"
"Kelly Blue Book lists it at $2000, I would really like to get $1500"

I let them think about it and after 10 minutes, they decided to go for it.
I cleaned the car out last night, AFTER we went to the dealer and gave them the certified check for the new car. Then I took off the plates.

This morning, I turned in the plates to my old car, contacted my insurence and we are all set to pick up the car in 1 hour!

Hot damn! I bought and sold a car in 1 week!

Look up! It’s a bird, A plane! no it’s…

I am following the journey of a fellow blogger who is working through some alcohol issues. No, I will not name this person. However, they brought up the interesting point of the second Step of AA.

The second step of the twelve is:"Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity."

Hmmm. I what does that mean? Does this mean G-d*? I think most people do. But my view of G-d is different than most. I am agnostic. Yes, an agnostic raising Jewish kids, go figure.

In my view, G-d is hanging out on a beach, drinking a Barcardi Breezer (when they were real alcohol, not this malt liquor shit), and just watches. G-d doesn’t interfere. Why would he/she? Could you imagine a world where everything WAS controlled by G-d? Does that mean that G-d MEANT for my friend’s child to have an extra chromosome that would destroy his body? Does this mean that Aunt Luna was supposed to die in a car accident? How about the time I worked my ass off and got a promotion? Me or G-d?

I kinda figure it’s an all or nothing proposition. Either G-d does all of the control or none. I tend to believe in the none. The other just takes away my free will. However, this doesn’t mean that I don’t believe in G-d. Just not in the way others do.

When Corey died, I had to scream to someone about it. G-d took the wrath. I then stopped talking to G-d. And finally we made up and started again. To me, G-d is a flow or energy to the universe. There are many things out of our control, but that doesn’t mean that someone controls them for us. There is a flow, an ebb and we are caught within this flow which brings us to and fro on this journey of life.

While writing this, it came to me that if I needed to name a "Power greater than myself" it would be love. The love of Dr. Jay, who picks me up when I need it. The love of my children who will still hug me
even when ice cream is a definite NO. The love of myself, which is still growing out of the seeds of insecurities.

Yes, Love is a power greater than myself, because it comes from outside of me…

* Yes Out of respect of Dr. Jay and the girls, I do not spell the name
of G-d. This is part of Judaism.


Oh hell, I bought a CAR yesterday!


And the person who looked at my Contour today decided not to buy it. I am crushed. I thought he would go to nice home… Now I will have to hit up Craig’s list.

And I thought selling a house was stressful

Happy Birthday Baby!


Exactly 2 years ago today, you entered my life. Oh sure, you tried in May to come out and we had to dope up mom with terbutaline like mad. You tried hard for the next three weeks to work with the endless contractions.

We talked to you about coming out on June 23, but you weren’t ready. Daddy and Soleil would have loved that. A  run of 23s, but you waited. You waited until June 24.2feet

You were wonderful. Between you and my body, we had an easy labor. You didn’t seem to mind mommy screaming as we drove to the hospital. Or the fact that we took the long way because there was a one o’clock Red Sox game down the street from the hospital.

You didn’t seem to mind the fact that mommy had filled your blood stream with SSRI and you suffered no withdrawl. And you certainly didn’t mind joining us at 3:19pm. No screams. Even when they had suctioned the meconium out of your lungs, you didn’t cry. You just checked out the place as if you belonged.

You hung out with Daddy at NICU to make sure you were ok in the lung department. I missed you terribly.4dad

But then you came back.

I love you Luna Luna.


With your sister Soleil




Can I be a superhero too?

Johnny brought up a REALLY good point yesterday. I suspect it is because he is male.
Women have this habit of being overly difficult on themselves. We worry about everything.

Here is a list of how I short change myself:

  • I get upset that I am not in "perfect" physical shape
  • I get upset that I get upset that I am not in perfect physical shape
  • I expect myself to get 40+ hours worth of work done even though I am only paid for 32hours
  • I should never yell at my kids
  • I should always handle situations with grace and reason
  • When something goes wrong, I should just let it go and go for the solution instead of worrying about what went wrong
  • I actually do care about what others think of me.
  • I worry that I worry too much
  • I worry that I worry too little
  • I wonder if the moms at the playground think I am a bad mom because I let Luna climb the 5 year old toys, and she sometimes falls.
  • I hate to ask for help if it involves strength, although I refuse to refill the water cooler because I just can’t lift the 5 gallon bucket of water.
  • I worry if I need to prove my abilities at work, even though a few people have told me that I am not in that position..

Sigh, Do you see why I worry too much? Men have it easy. The thought of not having to "have it all" is nice. I know, I know, that is way too simplistic. Men don’t have it easy, they have to fight with the traditional vs superdad roles of helping out more….

I leave you today with a discussion in our house a few weeks ago:

Dr. Jay: Soleil? Could you please pick up the magic markers?

Soleil: Daddy! They are not magic markers! They are enchanted!

Dr. Jay: Enchanted markers? I think you are watching too much beauty and the beast!

Weighty issues

Let me start today with a special congrats to Stephanie of Emma-Bug and Perrin of TwoLadyBugs. They will get their referrals for their new daughters soon! Their adoption agencies have been told they are included in this next batch! Congrats to both of you! Karen of the Naked Ovary missed the cut off by one day, so go over there and cheer her up!

I was reading an article in the NY Times about mentally ill and an epidemic of diabetes. Turns out, the medications that stabilize their mental chemicals often lead to weight gain, which leads to diabetes. As I was reading this, a little light bulb went off in my head.

In 1996, I was finally diagnosed with hypothyroidism. I was close to 180lbs and lost some before my wedding. In 1998, I started to lose more weight and in Jan 2000, I was at 125lbs. I stayed there until I lost Pathfinder in Sept 2000. I gained about 5 lbs after that. Not bad. Started pregnancy with Soleil around 130. Luna at 132. I cannot get down to 125 without jumping right back up.

I wondered if there was a connection between SSRI (the anti-depressants) and weight. I talked to Dr. Google and found that originally, it was thought that SSRIs would cause a weight loss. However, research is showing that long term (over 6 months), people gain an average of 7.1kg (that’s 15.62 lbs for us Americans). Damn. That’s a lot of weight.

Celexa (which I was on between Soleil and Luna), may cause a craving for carbohydrates. Other SSRIs mimic the symptoms of hypoglycemia, which I get in the afternoons and often want to snack on something to stop the headache/lightheadedness I am feeling.

I was very surprised by these results. This could explain why I can get back to 125ish and then I bounce right back up. Why I feel I have no will power these days. Why I feel flabby fat and lazy, when in truth, I am not…
Interesting food for thought.

For reference, I am 5’3" and 125 is the ideal weight for my frame (120 if you believe the BMI folks, but I don’t because I have a stocky build)