Changes in Attitudes.. June 20, 2006
Posted by spacemom in : Kids, Depression, Nance , trackbackI had a very rough day yesterday. It started as a good day. My friend, R and I had a full day planned. We would take our kids, her twin 4 year olds and Soleil and Luna to the Children’s Museum in Boston. However, she wanted to take the T, then have lunch at South Station (the train station in Boston) and then walk over to the museum. Okay. Not bad.
We started out okay, got the 4 kids in the van and to the T station. Soleil and I talked about the third rail and how we avoid it because it powers the train and has electricity down it. She said it would be hot. I agreed. Luna loved the train and surprised me shortly after we left the second station by saying "R, another train goes down the other track" Okay kiddo, too much Thomas the Tank Engine if you know that trains go down tracks!
We got to South Station and had to take elevators because R’s kids are terrified of escalators. To be honest, I am terrified of escalators, but I still use them. We got a nice lunch (which Luna managed to dump mine all over the floor). I offered to take the kids out to the trains. This is where the day started to turn for me.
You see, Dr. Jay and I follow a philosophy of "telling kids what they are not allowed to do" as opposed to "telling kids what they are allowed to do". Sounds like the same thing? No way, Jose. They are very different. I was planning to take the girls up to the trains with the statement "You must hold my hands, otherwise, we go back to the station". R stopped it by saying "Ok everybody. We stay back here because it is dangerous to be close to the trains." So I was saying "we can go close, but you are not allowed to be unhanded" and she was saying "We stand far from trains"
This theme was repeated most of the day. When we got to the Children’s Museum, I made the mistake of trying to go where she went. My kids just were not interested in playing library with her kids. Soleil wanted to climb the rock wall. She went to the 5-8 year old rock wall first and R saw that and said "Oh Soleil, you need to go on this wall" pointing to the 3-5 year old wall. Ok, yes, technically, Soleil is 3 (4 in 1 month), but she has actually gone 6 feet up a REAL rock wall with harness and such. Plus this wall wasn’t more than 8 feet tall and the rocks were so close together, she could do it. And it was on a 70 degree incline. I knew she could do it. But I let myself steer Soleil to the smaller wall (which she got up, no problem, coming down was harder).
We started to go downstairs and Soleil saw the race car area. R again said "that is for older kids, we are going to the grocery store." I stupidly didn’t say anything. I should have. Who cares about ages? Really? I don’t. So what if it says it is for kids 5 and older? Soleil is interested. Why kill her interest? And Luna THINKS she is 4 so what the hell? She tried the rock wall too and she won’t be 2 until Saturday.( she only got a foot up the wall, but hey, she tried. R’s kids refused to try).
We ended up playing for almost 45 minutes in the 3 and under room. While Luna was in hog heaven, so were R’s kids. Soleil was a little bored until she found the puppet theatre and started doing little plays for herself that I helped her with.
A long walk back to South Station (because Luna was burnt at this point. She doesn’t nap at home anymore, but she usually has some downtime around 1pm. I carried her back on my shoulders.) and then some ice cream for doing the long walk. The whole trip got to me at night.
I spent awhile discussing this with Dr. Jay. I came to a few answers over why I was so upset.
1) I want to be friends with R, but I don’t think our kids will be the best of friends.
2) We parent much differently than R and her husband. We push the kids by not imposing what should be, but rather what is not ok. This is why Soleil decides that we use the cherries from Hi-Ho Cherrio to make cherry pie, not to play the game.
3) Soleil is more advanced than R’s kids in many ways. I think the risk taking that we allow has pushed her to act older than she is. We also guide her to solving problems alot more than R does with her kids. I find it hard sometimes to play with them because, well, during the day they would rather have a book read to them instead of trying to play with toys or play outside or doing something interactive.
The nature of this friendship is changing. I hate to see that. In the fall, R’s kids will be going to preschool both morning and afternoon on Mondays and we might not be able to play with them on Mondays anymore. They will see each other in Temple school in 2007, when I enroll the girls in that, but until then, we may not see them much. And this makes me sad.
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“We push the kids by not imposing what should be, but rather what is not ok.”
That is something to be so proud of.
Your friend R. has the parenting style I grew up with. You are the parent I want to be.
I find myself lately thinking of friendships and how our parenting styles will jive. I also feel like I’m on stage lately, because I’m the “last in the pack” to have a kid and I’m already hearing little remarks here and there.
Congrats on surviving the Children’s Museum, ’tis an exhausting place!