Monthly Archives: June 2006

Letters – New York Times

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Link: Letters – New York Times.

I was surprised that your article made no mention of postpartum depression. When my first child was born 11 years ago and I was crippled by depression, the first thing my doctor told me was to stop breast-feeding immediately: nursing increases the hormonal flux that a woman experiences during pregnancy and after childbirth.

Furthermore, a fragile new mother, whose life has just been profoundly altered by a startling new lack of freedom and independence, can be overwhelmed by this new physical and psychological tether to the infant. The terrifying realization that this tiny baby could be kept alive only by my constantly being at the ready, day and night, nearly sent me over the edge.

By having someone else cover some of the feedings, I got back part of myself. Allowing the hormones to settle down and getting good psychotherapy saved both the kid and me. Let’s not forget that healthy babies need mentally healthy mothers.

Bronwyn Quillen

New York

I hear you Mrs. Quillen. I was there. I hear you. This goes way beyond "if Mama ain’t happy, nobody is happy"

Changes in Attitudes..

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I had a very rough day yesterday. It started as a good day. My friend, R and I had a full day planned. We would take our kids, her twin 4 year olds and Soleil and Luna to the Children’s Museum in Boston. However, she wanted to take the T, then have lunch at South Station (the train station in Boston) and then walk over to the museum. Okay. Not bad.

We started out okay, got the 4 kids in the van and to the T station. Soleil and I talked about the third rail and how we avoid it because it powers the train and has electricity down it. She said it would be hot. I agreed. Luna loved the train and surprised me shortly after we left the second station by saying "R, another train goes down the other track" Okay kiddo, too much Thomas the Tank Engine if you know that trains go down tracks!

We got to South Station and had to take elevators because R’s kids are terrified of escalators. To be honest, I am terrified of escalators, but I still use them. We got a nice lunch (which Luna managed to dump mine all over the floor). I offered to take the kids out to the trains. This is where the day started to turn for me.

You see, Dr. Jay and I follow a philosophy of "telling kids what they are not allowed to do" as opposed to "telling kids what they are allowed to do". Sounds like the same thing? No way, Jose. They are very different. I was planning to take the girls up to the trains with the statement "You must hold my hands, otherwise, we go back to the station". R stopped it by saying "Ok everybody. We stay back here because it is dangerous to be close to the trains." So I was saying "we can go close, but you are not allowed to be unhanded" and she was saying "We stand far from trains"

This theme was repeated most of the day. When we got to the Children’s Museum, I made the mistake of trying to go where she went. My kids just were not interested in playing library with her kids. Soleil wanted to climb the rock wall. She went to the 5-8 year old rock wall first and R saw that and said "Oh Soleil, you need to go on this wall" pointing to the 3-5 year old wall. Ok, yes, technically, Soleil is 3 (4 in 1 month), but she has actually gone 6 feet up a REAL rock wall with harness and such. Plus this wall wasn’t more than 8 feet tall and the rocks were so close together, she could do it. And it was on a 70 degree incline. I knew she could do it. But I let myself steer Soleil to the smaller wall (which she got up, no problem, coming down was harder).

We started to go downstairs and Soleil saw the race car area. R again said "that is for older kids, we are going to the grocery store." I stupidly didn’t say anything. I should have. Who cares about ages? Really? I don’t. So what if it says it is for kids 5 and older? Soleil is interested. Why kill her interest? And Luna THINKS she is 4 so what the hell? She tried the rock wall too and she won’t be 2 until Saturday.( she only got a foot up the wall, but hey, she tried. R’s kids refused to try).

We ended up playing for almost 45 minutes in the 3 and under room. While Luna was in hog heaven, so were R’s kids. Soleil was a little bored until she found the puppet theatre and started doing little plays for herself that I helped her with.

A long walk back to South Station (because Luna was burnt at this point. She doesn’t nap at home anymore, but she usually has some downtime around 1pm. I carried her back on my shoulders.) and then some ice cream for doing the long walk. The whole trip got to me at night.

I spent awhile discussing this with Dr. Jay. I came to a few answers over why I was so upset.

1) I want to be friends with R, but I don’t think our kids will be the best of friends.

2) We parent much differently than R and her husband. We push the kids by not imposing what should be, but rather what is not ok. This is why Soleil decides that we use the cherries from Hi-Ho Cherrio to make cherry pie, not to play the game.

3) Soleil is more advanced than R’s kids in many ways. I think the risk taking that we allow has pushed her to act older than she is. We also guide her to solving problems alot more than R does with her kids. I find it hard sometimes to play with them because, well, during the day they would rather have a book read to them instead of trying to play with toys or play outside or doing something interactive.

The nature of this friendship is changing. I hate to see that. In the fall, R’s kids will be going to preschool both morning and afternoon on Mondays and we might not be able to play with them on Mondays anymore. They will see each other in Temple school in 2007, when I enroll the girls in that, but until then, we may not see them much. And this makes me sad.

Me Me Me! (a Response)

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Johnny had a great post on Moms wanting me time. I read it and couldn’t agree more, but I have to admit my first thought was, "oh that silly man, he only has one child!"

When we first had Soleil, Dr. Jay fell into the myth that moms somehow know what to do. That took all of one week before I said "I have no f’ing clue what I am doing" We quickly discovered our strengths and weaknesses and worked from there. Since I took 16 weeks off of work, and the returned part time, I really did alot more than Dr. Jay. But as time moved on, we found we split time about 60-40. I really don’t care if he put diapers on backwards or other things like that. Even now, I don’t stress over him doing things differently. I have never considered him the babysitter.

Once Sylv was 1 year old, this kid thing was pretty easy. We got used to things. One of us would do dishes, the other would put her down to bed, we shared the nights as to who would get the waking child. Me time was not  too big of a deal.

Then, We had Luna. Braw-ha-ha-ha!

Granted, the second time around, things were easier. We went out to lunch when Luna was 3 days old, without a bottle or a diaper bag! And we didn’t care! And she slept all lunch! I think we were neurotic with Soleil at that age. I think I stayed in the house!

But me time has been harder since Luna’s birth. We just got to the point where the girls can listen to the same level of books. We read the lower level books for Luna and the higher level for Soleil together. The girls get one parent to read while the other gets some quiet time. Then we split up and each take one to bed.

I just booked a flight to Buffalo. My sister’s 40th birthday is on July 2 and I am going to her party. I fly out Saturday night and return Monday morning. Dr. Jay was quite ok with me going. I am a little stressed mostly because it has been so long since I have gone anywhere on this scale alone.

So, yeah, I have wondered about me time, but now I am going to get some!

How does this go?

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I have agreed to write a tribute for a man I never met. I man I had never even heard of before yesterday afternoon. His name is John W. Wright Jr and he died at the World Trade Center.

I am not sure how I am going to pull this off, but I am ready and willing to try.

Check out the 2,996 page for more details. Come over. Help out…

Something Blue

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Nine years ago today, I was reduced to tears. I was in Cleveland. My future mother in law was busy at the table. I asked her what she was doing. She said she had to rearrange the tables. I looked at her very questioningly.

" I am very sorry, Nancy", she said. "Your grandparents, aunt and uncle left this morning. They can’t stay for the wedding."

Being a woman who worked with geriatric patients, she calmly told me about the night before. How at 3:40am, Grandpa found the hotel room empty. How he called my uncle and mom to help find Grandma. How they found her walking down the street in her nightgown calling "Jerry". We knew the onset of Alzheimer’s was hitting Grandma. But we didn’t realize how 2 days in a hotel would trigger such a serious event. Grandpa made the decision to get her home. He hoped I would understand.

Of course, I understood. We wanted Grandma to be safe and comfortable. We wanted her to be happy. I was hit hard by this because it had been a goal of mine to have my favorite Grandparents at my wedding. I was devastated by the cold hard reality that Grandma was dying. Her mind was leaving us with nothing but aluminum plaques to replace her precious memories. Would she still remember me? Would she remember Dr. Jay? What about our future children? Would she know them?

As my future father in law drove me to the wedding place, I was still in tears. He thought is was due to the wedding. It wasn’t. It was the loss of Grandma. She didn’t actually pass away for another year and a half. But that was the day we lost her.

The wedding itself was wonderful. Aunt Arlene was honored when I offered her Grandma’s corsage. Grandma Soleil was there. Our nephew Sam stepped up to give a toast by screaming "TOAST" into the microphone. And the Italian Wedding Soup never appeared.

But this day always makes me think of Grandma.

A quick goodish news

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Blood work from yesterday came back. Dr. Jay has anemia and has been told to go back to a lower dose of the 6MP, the chemo drug. It is not steroid withdrawal that caused the screwy numbers, but a higher dose of the 6MP. Good news is that he is tolerating the lower dose fine. Bad news is that he should be at the higher dose to contain the Crohn’s. Thanks for the good thoughts!

And then the computer does eat thy post

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I just wrote a nice long post. And the computer ate it! I swear I heard a burp! I hope you liked it computer because I ain’t happy!

OK- Now, let’s see, where was I? Oh yes, being happy. The depression of last week was swept away in the fear of this week. I think that is good! Plus, we had two birthday parties this weekend, an emergency go help new mother play date, and a new playground.

Today, Soleil had her 6 month review at daycare/school. She is doing great. Apparently, she will take over the dramatic play corner and act as the director, telling the other children what to do. Some are OK with this, others tell her off. Sigh, I never knew about this side of her!
She is doing amazingly well with language and logic, but normal for everything else. This may sound weird, but that is comforting. I mean, well, Dr. Jay and I ARE rocket scientists, and I have worried in the past about her skills. She is ahead of the curve, but normal. That is comforting.

She was also classified as "adventurous" or "a child who pushes beyond their physical capabilities". In our house, we call that "being a klutz". Either way, she is doing great!

TD Alberto is visiting tonight. He should be gone by lunchtime tomorrow!

In general, things are going OK. Sorry about the panic over the blood work. Dr. Jay just visited the vampires, we should have new numbers in a day or two to compare against.

Overheard in our house:
Luna: I want Dora panties
Me: You have to pee and poop in the potty to wear Dora panties
Luna: Mommy? You wear panties?
Me: Yes, I wear panties
Luna: You go poopy! (laughs hysterically)

I will never get potty jokes, but apparently my almost 2 year old does.

Health Update

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I have had a headache for almost two weeks now. Nothing is making it go away, but I haven’t reached for the strongest stuff in my arsenal. I just hate having chronic headaches.

I’ve done research on Dr. Jay’s blood results. I am not happy. Basically, B12, folic acid, CBC (complete blood count), Fe binding and a liver enzyme level are off. The first four can be explained via crohn’s. Dr. Jay has 2 sites of crohn’s along the colon. One of these sites is where B12 is absorbed into the blood stream. The crohn’s can prevent B12 from being absorbed. This leads to lower levels of folic acid, anemia, less red blood cells and a lowered platelet count. The liver enzyme is the one that is scaring the shit out of me. This enzyme is only released into the blood stream when the liver is showing damage. This can happen during the period when cortisteroids are leaving or have left the system. It can also be a side effect of the other drug he is on.

I am seriously hoping this is yet another steroid withdrawal symptom. This really is scary stuff. I never thought about Dr. Jay as being ill, but this is the first time that I have been slapped upside the head with the reality that crohn’s is serious and hurting someone I love.

On a happier note, I will get out two nights this week! And I have someone looking at my car to buy it (sort of). Those stories and more later…

A serious post

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A quick post. Dr. Jay got a call from his doctor. His blood test on Friday showed a major loss of red blood cells, b12, folic acid and a few other things.

Let’s hope it was a fluke… He is retesting on Friday or sooner….

This is scary. Shit, I thought the 6MP was ok, I am really worried now.