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In the air tonight June 9, 2006

Posted by spacemom in : Depression , 1 comment so far

There is a little wave a depression hiding. Perhaps it is hiding under the bed, or in the corner, or in my closet. When I stop and just be, I can see it out of the corner of my mind. It is there, lurking, waiting to pounce on me.

Maybe the rain is getting to me. 2 weeks of rain. A Nor’easter that just dumped 7 inches on the South towns, another Nor’easter arriving this afternoon.

Maybe the feeling of futility is getting to me. At work, I get things done, but I am feeling out of touch. My teammate gets all of the cool stuff. I get the big and slow projects.

And perhaps, the depression monster is just there because it is. Maybe it comes and goes as it needs to, hiding when I am happy and waiting when I am on the edge.

I am looking into the abyss, and deciding if I am just going to look into it, or jump down into the depths of another episode.

Dr. Jay wants me to call Mary Lou, my therapist. Maybe next month. Maybe I can just watch the abyss for now.

The post in which Nance babbles June 8, 2006

Posted by spacemom in : Fun with Crohn's Disease, Mom Phrases, I dream of sleep, Home wreckers , 3 comments

Here I am, 9:46 am, in my Jammies. I decided to work from home today because we should have a glass shower door installed. Note the should. The woman from the shower door place is supposed to call me back. The factory took almost 1 month to build a door that should have taken 1 week. Sigh.
Once the shower door is installed, I need to caulk around the wood baseboards and we are DONE in that bathroom minus the venting fan. Only took 21 months…. Sheesh.

Last night, we were watching a baseball game and Dr. Jay commented on the drug scandal in baseball. "I finally understand Jason Giambi’s intestinal issue" He believes it was steroid withdrawal. It makes sense given the pain that Dr. Jay is in and how Giambi’s pain was described. It was also reported that Giambi had a pituitary tumor. Steroids affect a feedback system that involves the pituitary. It is called the "something that I can’t remember" axis. I call it the "axis of evil". It is amazing to watch these players detox from steroids. What idiot would go on these things voluntarily?? Really? These things suck.

At 2:30am, I was awoken to the sounds of Luna climbing out of bed. Dr. Jay had gotten her at 1:30, so I offered to help her. She proceeded to throw a full blown tantrum because I wasn’t Daddy. I hate the tantrum phase. It lasted 15 minutes. I sat in the comfy chair, doing some calming yoga breathing while she lost it. Finally, she let me pick her up. She was asleep in 5 minutes, but I held her for 5 more just to snuggle. There have been some posts on sleep lately. I am working on it. Dr. Jay told me about an article on how Ferber is harmful to kids and how it should make me feel better that I can’t do the cry it out. I told him that I respect those who choose it. I just can’t do it. I guess I am odd that way. I don’t mind if you do things in raising your kid (except spanking and humiliation, I will speak against those), but I generally don’t push my POV.

Overheard in the spacehouse, "Luna, No more broccoli until you eat some pasta"
The things we say!

Time to shower and get myself going. I have two car dealerships to visit today and some coding to get done plus some testing. Oh, and I want to clean Soleil’s room. Ha!

In Case we forget about 9/11 June 7, 2006

Posted by spacemom in : Current Affairs , 4 comments

Check out what my favorite writer is saying in her new book.

Wow, I never knew someone could have that much hate.

Martin Black and the Trilobal Fibers! June 7, 2006

Posted by spacemom in : She Blinded me with Science , add a comment

I think that a great rock band name is Martin Black and the Trilobal Fibers.

Martin Black is not a person, but a color. There is an urban legend, in the space business, that Lockheed Martin has developed a black that is almost black. You may say, "huh?" Black is defined as an absence of color. True black is a perfect absorber. It will not reflect anything. Now, take any black object around you and look carefully, there is some reflection off of your object.

Martin Black does not reflect. Is is almost a perfect black. The legend is that the person who is shown Martin Black is asked to put their hands behind their back before the box is opened. When the box with the sample of Martin Black is opened, the observer is drawn to the perfect blackness, as if there is a hole in the box that goes forever and they reach out to touch it. The Lockheed Martin person always moves the box away before he touches it…

Trilobal fibers are strands of fiber with a cross section having 3 lobes (hence the name)  and it is commonly found in car mats. Very useful for forensics. I was heavily into watching "The New Detectives" on the Discovery Channel before kids, and I learned many ways to not kill someone. And to watch out for luminol and trilobal fibers.

Don’t you think that is a great name for a band?

I just got through a document that contains words like "the temperature of the ISIM and the further indications of deterioration of the elephant sitting in the aperture of the telescope.." (ok, I added the elephant part, I actually can’t quote ANY of the document as it is labeled secure). I think my brain will explode. At least there is enough rain to keep me from burning up….

That was just a dream…just a dream June 6, 2006

Posted by spacemom in : Kids, I dream of sleep, Home wreckers , add a comment

Yesterday, I forgot to charge my MP3 player. The kids had the choice of no music or Mommy music. They chose Mommy music. Then REM came on and I was just singing without thinking, as most adults do. Soleil then asked "Mommy? Why is it just a dream?" Huh? Oh yeah, "It’s just the words to the song" "But WHY?" "Because people dream of many things…"

Today, I am dreaming of two things: a car and a child.

I am taking part of Thursday off to talk to two dealers about the car. I think I can get the price down to $18.5K or less before trade-in. I am getting obsessed, but I can’t actually do anything because we don’t have the money in place yet. The finances are in motion, we need confirmations. I have the dream of the new car smell, the volume controls on the steering wheel, the sunroof over my head, Oh yeah I want this car!

The child. Yes, well Soleil has decided that almost being 4 means that she can do whatever she wants. This is getting pretty damn frustrating. Last night, she was being, well, 4 and it was driving us nuts. She refused to eat anything for dinner, she got angry and silly and fell off her chair. UGH. Sometimes I wonder if she will ever listen! But then I remember that I want my kids to be independent. And to do what is right to them. (While being respectful, we are teaching that, TRUST me)…
But right now she is driving me nuts!

And a third thought. We had Crazy H and family over on Sunday. Her oldest, Alex, is 2 weeks younger than Luna. She always compares the two. Drives me batty. On Sunday, Soleil asked for a pancake and we got it for her. Meanwhile, Alex is following Dr. Jay and her dad around saying "me me me pancake me me me" I finally asked "Alex, would you like a pancake?" to which she smiled and nodded "yesh, pan cake"
Dr. Jay went and got one for her. Crazy H said "she just said pancake? She never talks!" Um, sweetie, your daughter talks, you need to listen….

What a day…. June 5, 2006

Posted by spacemom in : She Blinded me with Science, Mom Phrases, Home wreckers , 1 comment so far

It is Monday, I am sleepy and hungry.

It’s been a long day. The girls were crazy today. We spent the morning shopping at a hardware store. They give a free lollipop to the kids, so I can shop in peace. I needed a new light for the laundry/bath, I wanted to spray paint to test my  theory of repainting the playhouse and I got some spray paint for Soleil’s furniture (which was a hideous off white that was smoke stained). Ok, that’s not so bad. Then we went to the playground next to the hardware store.That was good. We survived that.
Then onto the drug store, where I needed a toothbrush for Luna (don’t ask, please)
We ended up going into a consignment shop and the kids played with the toys. I got  a nice set of DVDs and umbrella. Ok- still going well.
To the drugstore… Luna tried to walk out with 3 tubes of "Dora and Diego" toothpaste..

Then to Dunkin’ because we need our morning snack of bagel and coffee (I get the coffee, they get the bagel). Ok- slight whining over who gets the top of the bagel.

Back home, I install the light in the laundry (while they watch the Spongebob marathon…not my idea) and then we have lunch, play and then my work meeting. Oh yeah, did I forget to mention that I am on duty this week and the command load came out on Friday for review today. I reviewed it Friday, but I have to be in on the meeting today. So we are playing outside, watching ants crawl, driving the cozy coupe and discussing the spacecraft load. I hope nobody heard the kids during the meeting.

By the time the meeting was over, the kids were getting a little nutso. We played with our friends until Luna started to cry when you looked at her. Lovely…
She passed out in the car, but we survived long enough to get home and into the tub. I asked Dr. Jay to come home early. He did (by 5:20) and the kids played with him for a while.

I am mentally drained. Writing this out makes it nothing compared to some of E’s days with Macy, but for some reason I am extremely drained.

On two other notes:
Crazy H gave birth to her second daughter on Wednesday. I helped by taking her oldest in the middle in of the night. We did a great job and managed to deal well with 3 kids in our house in the morning…
They came over yesterday and basically crashed while we played with her oldest (23 months) and I held her little one.

We finished most of the upstairs bathroom. We should get the shower door on Thursday. I will post photos…

I need a shower June 3, 2006

Posted by spacemom in : Spacemom , 1 comment so far

I spent two hours today messing with neogotiating with a nice man at a car dealership.
I managed to get them to knock the price of a $23K vehicle to $18,960
And I wasn’t even buying today.

I walked out feeling skeevy yet good. I have not bought the car yet. Last week of June….

Heartbroke City June 2, 2006

Posted by spacemom in : Sports , 1 comment so far

Last night, the Buffalo Sabres bid for the Stanley Cup ended. Game 7 of the 7 game series ended, 4-2 in favor of the Carolina Hurricanes. I can only support the Edmonton Oilers in their quest for the Cup at this point.

At the end of the game, I called Becky, who is still in the area. Her son had burst into tears and run upstairs when the game ended. Actually, when Carolina scored with a minute left. She told him, "We’re Buffalo. Get used to it"
(She actually told him that the team had a chance next year, you can’t always win, all the good mom things)

The thing that I have never comprehended is why Buffalo is such a sports city. But we are.
We live and breathe sports. Our souls are connected with the plays of our teams.

When the Bills went to the Superbowl and lost 4 times, we felt the pain.

When the Sabres had the no goal against them in 1999, we all cried foul.

And last night, I felt ill knowing that my team  would, once again, not win the Cup.

I don’t understand this. Dr. Jay pointed out that the pain of your team losing is stronger than your team winning (we are guessing here since he is from Cleveland and they never win either).

Becky and I agreed. It is because of the Cigarette Man from X-Files(do a search on Buffalo). That is why Buffalo is in mourning today.

I know there are more important things to worry about, but right now, I feel so sad for Buffalo

Steroid withdrawal June 1, 2006

Posted by spacemom in : Fun with Crohn's Disease , 1 comment so far

I am now watching the man I love go through the worst thing I have seen on him.

Steroid withdrawal.

This is pure hell on him. You see, Crohn’s patients are often given steroids to control the immune system. The patient has a part of the hormonal system in his body shut off. While this will allow the colon to heal, it also messes with the rest of the body.

He has been on mega doses of steroids since November. In January, he was down to half of the original dose, but suffering from some of the nastier side-effects.

We are weaning him from the drug, but the withdrawal symptoms are horrific. Starting at 4pm, daily, he has crippling abdominal pain. At night, he is breaking out in sweats and shaking. Hair loss, hair growth, pain in his legs. Mood swings. Anger and depression come from out of nowhere. He is good at not taking it out on the girls or I, but I see it.

The hope is that he is off the drug in August. I can’t wait. It is agony to watch him in so much pain. I hate Crohn’s. It is an evil disease and I can only hope that my girls are not pre-disposed to it.

Car update! June 1, 2006

Posted by spacemom in : Current Affairs , add a comment

Tuesday. The earliest I can get my car in is Tuesday.
Fuck

Ok- So Dr. Jay and I talked about this at lunch. We laid out our finances and decided how to fund the car.
We are buying my car in the next month. We are hoping there will be July 4th sales. Right now, I am doing my negotiation work and getting quotes from everywhere.

The thing is, I already spent money on my car this year. I have a budget of how much I want to spend on it. This year, the budget is $500. Well, that leaves $25 for the rest of the year. So the question is how much will it take to fix the air?

Sigh. I refuse to be bullied into buying the car on someone else’s terms. So, I am going to be patient. We now know the money situation. We will know the price of the car and I have many quotes requested at the moment. We will be able to do this and I will have my "new car smell" soon.

But I hate that Carl (my ford) couldn’t last until October for me….