A sheep in a wolf’s clothing

Today started, well, early. Luna was up at 6 am and decided that daddy’s bruised rib needed a workout.
We managed to drag ourselves up at 8 and get the kids ready for swimming. Yes, softball for Dr. Jay (on Sunday mornings since June) is done and I got to switch the girls to Saturday swim classes AT THE SAME TIME!

We are walking in to lessons when Luna tugs at my hand, I stop and look down just as she vomits all over the parking lot. Then she continues to vomit 2 more times. This is not good. However, she insists on swimming. Ok, the lessons are 30 minutes long and I can’t very well take her home because then Dr. Jay and Soleil have no transportation. We discuss and decide to let her swim. Her class has daddy in the pool with her, so ok, she clings to him and gets to stay cool. I read my book and give random thumbs up to Soleil when she does something fun in her class.

Then Jay and Luna are done. They play in the toddler pool while Soleil chases her new best friend, Pasquale, around. We ended up switching kids. That’s when I gave Luna a towel and picked her up. She was burning up. I estimate around 103, because when I finally did take her temp, she was cooler and it registered at 102.5.

She actually rested/fell asleep on me at the pool. I decided to let Soleil swim for a bit since, except for tylenol, I couldn’t do much differently at home then I could at the pool. After 2 hours, we called it a day and got Luna home. That’s when I temped her. She refused to eat, we got her some water as she fell asleep.

Since Luna doesn’t nap when she is well, this lead to something amazing. One on one time with Soleil. Two on one, actually. We played shoots and ladders. We did modeling clay. We played as a family of three.
Then Soleil and Jay went to help Soleil’s best friend have a playhouse assembled. The guys got it done in 30 minutes. We all thought it would be longer, that’s why Jay offered to help.
I stayed with Luna. Amazingly we had a great time one on one. We did a walk around town (yes, I got her IN A STROLLER). You know this kid is sick when she is holding a munchkin (Doughnut hole) in her hand and tells me she would rather rest than eat it. She wanted to snuggle alot and we had a pretty good time until I had to sweet talk her into taking more tylenol.

I thought it would be a bad day, but it was really nice having some time with each girl. We do that so rarely. One of us takes both girls often, or we do things as a foursome, but to split.. that was nice.

Luna’s still fevering, but she’s now asleep and so is Soleil, so we rest and wait to see what tomorrow brings. I think I agreed to miniature golf with a child who can’t even hit the damn ball!

Mommy Vs Mommy

I have been thinking alot lately. Mostly about very negative things, but some positive. One thing that I have been thinking about is the worth in our American, first world society, of mothers. This was mostly inspired by something I read from Jen. However, Tertia had to go ahead and write something similar so now I feel like I am a big fat copycat.

Anyway, what is it about mothers that our culture has trouble with?
There are the mommy wars:
Battle #1: who is better, Stay at home mom or work out of the home mom?
Battle #2: The breast feeding wars: Breast is best or formula is ok?
Battle #3: Epidural? no meds? C-section? or no?

All of this is just bullshit, in my opinion, but it still gets to me.

I work out of the home, 4 days a week. I stayed home with Soleil for the first 16 weeks of her life. By week 8, I was ready to having a flying leap at a rolling doughnut. I am so not cut out to be a stay at home mom. My friend Becky. She is the perfect stay at home mom. She did a wonderful job with her kids, not going back to work until her youngest hit kindergarten. How cool is that? She was calm and relaxed (ha, I can see her laughing now) and handled the job of mom in a way that I never could.

We each took different paths, the ones that fit OUR lives. So why the hell do people need to say something? I wonder if it is something in that we need to be better than others. The American Dream always seems to be about being better. Better than what? I am not sure. But there always seems to be some materialism related to that dream.

So do some of the women who stay at home with their kids feel a need to put down others? Do some of the women who work out of the home feel the need to justify their time away by attacking those who don’t?

It seems like women in America spend a great deal of time criticizing others, when what we really need is support for each other.

We need to support those women who make the choices for themselves. Less mommy wars, more mommy nights out to discuss the issues that are relevant to us all: education, violence, the  entertainment industry and how these things will affect US and our families.

Sometimes, I wonder what women would do if we ran the country. Probably have "biggest dick" contests like the men do. Just in a different way…

Buddha Point

As I walk down the torch lit path
I feel the pain in my back.
The waves crash on the rocks,
but I only hear the noise of
my thoughts, concerns
worries, plans all crashing into
each other.

I sit on the hard ground.
My spine is stiff, my eyes tired.

I wait for the stars to talk to me
But they don’t.

I wait for the day to leave me
But it doesn’t

Slowly, I hear a chant…faint at first
then louder…
What are the words? Who is saying that?
I strain to hear the sound

And my body lowers to the ground to listen better
And the soft soil pulls the stress
and the strain from my muscles
and my back relaxes

The chant has changed
It is not a song, nor a prayer
It is the sounds of the ocean,
nature’s symphony of Pacific wind and water
and volcanic rock

The stars now sing to me
I see the galaxy intertwined with the local stars
I can’t hear the words, but I hear the melody

And the ground absorbs my stress
And my head is clear
and I just exist
without thought

In the shadow of the Buddha

(copyright spacemom,2006)

Fat is PHAT

This is all the rage these days: Shape of a Mother

I was planning to post about religion today, but no, This is calling my attention.
(oops, boss man cometh-more later)


Now where was I? Yes, Who decides what a mother should look like? I have high standards for myself. I wish I had an athletic body. Strong muscles and a flat abdomen. I would have thin hips and high cheekbones. I would swing by the toddler classroom at daycare with the ease of a chic woman and be the envy of all other moms..

Ugh, earth to Nance? Yeah, right.

OK- I am 5’3". I went through 4 pregnancies (1 really short, 1 for 2 months, 2 full term). Gained weight with all.
Changed my body shape with all but the short one.

So, should my body shape define me as a mom?
No. I think that my body shape is my shape. If I am unhappy with it in some regards (like the rolls of fat), maybe I should do something about it (more sit ups less M&Ms).




The web page starts with:

a mother changes everything in your world – including your body. Here
we share images of our bodies during and after pregnancy so we can see
what real women look like."

Do real women need to look a certain way? I think this does help in the sense that some women will never know that others look similar after childbirth, but then, I wonder about some of the comments. For example, you see someone who returned to a mostly pre-pregnant shape and the commentors gush about how great she looks. Does that mean the others don’t look great?

Anyway, just thinking about this site. And then Karen of the NO, comment on Terita’s blog made me really think about how empty I felt during infertility and pregnancy. I was convinced most of Soleil’s pregnancy that she wouldn’t make it….

Just some thoughts on this issue….

Happy BIrthday Soleil!

Happy fourth Birthday Sylv. I love you!

Born July 23, 2002, After 49 hours of labor, after 2 years of trying to conceive you…


Then we got to watch you grow

And continue to grow up!


And grow and grow some more!




Interesting question….

I was reading today’s post at Forks and Chopsticks, and I think Stephanie has some interesting points.

We are in the midst of a birthday hell. There are 13 birthdays in Soleil’s class between May and August. We have gone to party after party after party. There is quite a spread in party stuff.

One had a song entertainment. We had to sing songs with the kids and generally feel like we were thrown in a mommy and me class.

One got moved to an indoor place at the last minute. It was great, but crazy. The cake was amazingly huge and   expansively decorated. The kids were wonked out on sugar!

One was on Luna’s birthday. This was pleasant and in the family’s home, but they did hire a story teller who did a great job, but it interrupted the kids playtime to do stories (good? bad?)

One was at a puppet theatre in Boston. This was too much for some of the kids. The show was 45 minutes long and the kids went a little nuts at points. It was better for older kids instead of 3-4 year olds.

Several have been canceled due to weather or moved to another inside place.

So far, nothing has been so over the top as described in Forks and Chopsticks. That is good, but I do feel the pressure. For alot of the kids in Soleil’s class, the parents are older and have chosen to have
one child. I think these kids are getting lots of attention (which is good).

So some of the parties are beyond what I would do. We want birthdays to be fun, but not an elaborate event. We already know that in 9 years* we are screwed (and again in 11 years), so why not keep parties simple
and fun?

Our birthday party for Sunday is scheduled as such:
3:30pm- Party start. We will have the sprinkler ready and the wading
pools filled.
4:30pm- Pizza and cakes (yes, Soleil wants an ice cream cake, but I am
also making another cake tonight, you know, open box, bake?)
5:00pm ish- Beat the crap out of the pinata!
5:30pm Send kids home with the goodie bags we made last night.

Is that so much? Don’t kids just want to play? Do we need to entertain our kids? Or should we let them entertain themselves?

That is what I thought when I read Stephanie’s post…

* Bat Miztvah happens at 13. This is guaranteed to be a big party… like $5K big party just for all of the people you have to invite…

It’s MY party……

Well, wasn’t that fun? NOT

(this post should be relabled FUCK, because apparently I use this word alot today)

I went to talk to my shrink behavior specialist today. We discussed my behavioral patterns including my incredible snit fit this morning when I lost the girls swimsuits*.

Apparently, this is classic "SSRI just isn’t working anymore" behavior. Fuck me. Really, I mean why the hell does this shit have to happen to me?

The first idea is to change my meds. I am just so against that. Ok, let’s be honest, I am so against ANY meds to begin with. So I hesitated. She saw that and suggested that I could raise my dose back to 15mg (I had dropped it awhile ago) and we will try for a month like this. If it doesn’t work, then I could try effexor. I now need to visit dr google and see what the hell this drug will do to my body.

I am so sick of this shit. Really. Why did my body have to go into tailspin after giving birth? Why? Why does lexapro have to stop working on me? What, does it have a "hey, it’s Nance, let’s fuck around with her responses" coded into it?

Fuck me. This just sucks.

I am going to have a nice pity party today. And no one can stop me. And I am getting a haircut with the lady I LIKE. No more four fucking inches off… sigh…

I need a drink. A large margarita. With salt. Frozen. NOW.

* Yes, I lost the girls’ swimsuits. I moved then at 8:15am and at 8:30 we had no fucking clue where I had moved them to! Lovely. Just fucking lovely.

Travel not so much

Once upon a time, I was a homebody. I never liked to travel. Getting on an airplane made me hyperventilate.

Now, I miss travel.

Sure, we go lots of places, but not as much as we used to. Dr. Jay and I have a plan to see the world through astronomy. When I was 24, I spent a week in Chile. We had an observing run at Cerro Tololo and it was a blast! The food that was cooked was right out of 1970. We stayed in Santiago for a few days and then took an 8 hour bus ride to La Serana. Beautiful City. We even when down to the wharf a few nights to enjoy the local markets and the food.  I have been in the Andes. That is where the telescope is. Amazing to realize that I first saw the Pacific Ocean from Chile!

Next month, Dr. Jay is going to Prague. I was planning to go with him, but it is clear that Luna isn’t ready for that long of a trip. Instead, the grandparents (his side) are coming to stay for half of the time, then we go to Long Island. Dr. Jay will fly into JFK and meet us out on the Island. His brother has a house out in the Hamptons, so we will visit while the OTHER brother is staying at the house. We get a hotel (don’t get me started)

I miss travel. I have been to Corsica, Paris, San Diego, Victoria (Canada), Orlando, Huntsville, Tuscon, Seattle, DC, Baltimore, Atlanta, Boulder,Hawaii… all in the name of work. Cool? Yes. (We also went to Madrid as a honeymoon, where Dr. Jay continued on to a meeting in the Canaries)

Since having the kids, it is expected that I stay home more. Mostly because Dr. Jay has the PhD and does the research and I do the Master’s level work of busting ass. However, as the kids get older, I can see more travel in the future.

In November, I plan on going to Pasadena. There is a cool star meeting there and my parents have agreed to stay with the kids. I will leave Tuesday and return Friday. Okay, a short trip, but HEY! At least I will go!

In January, there is another AAS meeting is Seattle. I want to go. The kids may stay home,

In May, we have another trip to Hawaii. We are talking my parents into coming to that and to get them a room at the meeting rate (which is usually 1/3 of the regular rate). This would be a family trip!

In August, our nephew is having his Bar Mitzvah, so we are off to Seattle with the family again.

We are working on keeping travel up. Dr. Jay still has 3-4 times more trips than I do, but that’s okay. I can see that, as a family, we will do more travel as the kids grow. Next year? Busy, the year after? ITALY!

I think travel is one of the biggest things I miss from pre-kid life. But I love that the kids are learning how to travel with us. That is great!