I have been thinking alot lately. Mostly about very negative things, but some positive. One thing that I have been thinking about is the worth in our American, first world society, of mothers. This was mostly inspired by something I read from Jen. However, Tertia had to go ahead and write something similar so now I feel like I am a big fat copycat.
Anyway, what is it about mothers that our culture has trouble with?
There are the mommy wars:
Battle #1: who is better, Stay at home mom or work out of the home mom?
Battle #2: The breast feeding wars: Breast is best or formula is ok?
Battle #3: Epidural? no meds? C-section? or no?
All of this is just bullshit, in my opinion, but it still gets to me.
I work out of the home, 4 days a week. I stayed home with Soleil for the first 16 weeks of her life. By week 8, I was ready to having a flying leap at a rolling doughnut. I am so not cut out to be a stay at home mom. My friend Becky. She is the perfect stay at home mom. She did a wonderful job with her kids, not going back to work until her youngest hit kindergarten. How cool is that? She was calm and relaxed (ha, I can see her laughing now) and handled the job of mom in a way that I never could.
We each took different paths, the ones that fit OUR lives. So why the hell do people need to say something? I wonder if it is something in that we need to be better than others. The American Dream always seems to be about being better. Better than what? I am not sure. But there always seems to be some materialism related to that dream.
So do some of the women who stay at home with their kids feel a need to put down others? Do some of the women who work out of the home feel the need to justify their time away by attacking those who don’t?
It seems like women in America spend a great deal of time criticizing others, when what we really need is support for each other.
We need to support those women who make the choices for themselves. Less mommy wars, more mommy nights out to discuss the issues that are relevant to us all: education, violence, the entertainment industry and how these things will affect US and our families.
Sometimes, I wonder what women would do if we ran the country. Probably have "biggest dick" contests like the men do. Just in a different way…
The problem with “everybody do what works for them” is it *appears* to dilute one’s own choices. Why make financial and emotional sacrifices to stay home with young kids if the kids of “those working moms” are just as happy and healthy as yours? Why struggle to overcome a breastfeeding difficulty, or make the commitment to be solely responsible for baby’s feedings, if giving formula is okay too?
I think when someone makes a choice because they think it’s best, it’s hard to accept that the grass on the other side is really as green. I’ve always admired your non-judgmental abilities, Spacemom, and I strive every day to be the same. Some days it’s easier than others.
Mariah has a good point. I think it also is cyclical, in that the more we’re insecure about our choices, the more we have to criticize others’ choices–and then, of course, we get more insecure. That’s my perception, anyway.
By the way, Kent Haruf is great, huh?
Mariah-
Hmm, I see your point.
Why make the financial and emotional sacrifices to stay home? Because it *feels* right for you. Even if all of the kids turns out great regardless of working parents or breastfeeding, the point is to do what YOU need to do to feel comfortable with how you are raising your children.
I really hold women like you, who make a choice and hold to it with conviction in high regard. It is hard to choose either way, but as C pointed out, that if we are insecure in our choices, we do tend to criticize others.
I just wish our community (and yes, I forgot to include Canada with the Americans) would just let people make the choices and not feel that we have to attack.
Breastfeeding is a tough one. I still have pangs of regret, but you know that I knew breastfeeding was the best for Soleil, but formula was the best for our family and my mental health. It took me a long long time to accept that what was “best” was a very tricky answer and that the shades of grey outnumbered the word best.
C- yes, I really like Kent Haruf’s writing. It is very raw and emotional.
“the point is to do what YOU need to do to feel comfortable with how you are raising your children”
Wow, Spacemom. That is a really powerful perspective. You’re a wise mama.