A little peice of me August 8, 2006
Posted by spacemom in : Depression , 4 commentsSlowly, it has taken over. My mind is slightly numbed from the coup. I am deep in the depression. I called my doctor this morning and picked up the new medication this afternoon.
I worry. I worry about taking a new drug. I worry about the side effects. I worry about the fact that I will probably be nauseated the next 2-10 days.
I worry that my children will suffer from this disease. I worry that my disease is affecting them. I withdraw a little more each day. I see Soleil trying to be more affectionate to me. This morning, she came in as I was getting up for a shower. She pouted and asked for a snuggle. I gave her a 5 minute snuggle. Damn the clock. I want my kids to know I love them. I don’t want them thinking that Mommy is withdrawn because of them.
I worry about everything and nothing.
I need to fight this depression, yet the disease leaves me ready to surrender. I think it is a self preservation of the disease. Between the withdrawal from others and the desire to ignore the depression, it allows itself to gain strength.
I will start the new meds tomorrow along with a low dose of the lexapro. The hope is to wean down the lexapro and wean up the cymbalta.
Wish me luck, I need it…
Gwen, Ruby, S & L August 7, 2006
Posted by spacemom in : Kids , add a commentWe had an amazingly wonderful morning with Gwen, and her mommy, Ruby and her mommy and my girls. It was nice to meet up with bloggers and just have fun!
And if Karen says Gwen doesn’t eat, I believe her, but MAN does Gwen LOVE popcorn!
Updated to add a photo from Karen of the girls and I
When you’re 2…. August 4, 2006
Posted by spacemom in : Kids, I dream of sleep , 1 comment so farLuna is really becoming a person, now that she is 2.
She actually told me that she is ready to give up her bottle…she thinks.
She is sleeping through the night, most nights
She is almost going to bed well
She talks up a storm. Yesterday, we were passing an old reservoir. There is a little isthmus in the reservoir. A tree stands at the end. We have gotten so much rain as of late, that the tree stands alone, surrounded by water. Luna yells (because volume is an unknown concept at 2), "There’s a tree in the water. That’s silly" and proceeds to laugh.
Yes siree, that is life with a 2 year old in our house.
This morning, Jay asked me to keep an eye out for his glasses. He had misplaced them again.
Luna turned to him and said "Daddy? You lost your glasses. I will help you look" She was so serious.
I am so glad to be waving bye bye to the baby/toddler stage. While we still have our tantrums, I see a real kid emerging here…
I have so much to say about the Babytalk issue. Ugh, what is wrong with people….
Play Ball! August 3, 2006
Posted by spacemom in : Go Team Go Team Go Team , 1 comment so farWe finally made it to a baseball game last night.
Jay found the BEST seats. We ordered the tickets back when the snow was still flying here. We got the first row of the grandstands. The box seats were still in front of us, but we were 14 rows from the field. How cool is that?
We got out on time, we got dinner on the way, we got parking at the Pru. Then we had some extra time to finish my Dunkin Coffee before entering the stadium. It was down to 87 at game time.
The Indians and the Red Sox are not strong rivals, but they aren’t unknown to each other either. Since Jay hails from Cleveland, we started cheering for the Indians. Once they decided to bring in a reliever, we cheered for the Red Sox. In the bottom of the ninth, we started cheering for the Red Sox. Hey, we live here.
Going to a baseball game is one of the best experiences a person can have. Granted, Fenway Park is a tad bit cramped, but you really get to experience a camaraderie that you don’t get to experience much these days. There was a guy behind us who built a road trip based on baseball tickets. He was from San Diego and his wife got up at 7 am when Red Sox tickets went on sale to get these tickets. He also went to a Nationals (DC) game and an Orioles (Baltimore). He also claimed that the cheese steak he ate was the world’s best. Sorry dude, that’s still Philly. But try the lobstah. I hear it is good here.
There is nothing like sitting with 20,000 fans singing "Sweet Caroline" and "Take me out to the ballgame". And eating popcorn. And watching the Red Sox win in the bottom of the ninth with 2 men out.
That woman in the mirror August 3, 2006
Posted by spacemom in : Depression, Spacemom , 1 comment so farI wonder. Who am I? And when I say that, I really mean it in a very different way than the question people have asked for centuries.
I have been researching my drug options for handling the depression. It is getting worse on this higher dose of lexapro. Well, maybe not worse, but certainly not much better. My self worth is close to being in the red. I am leaning towards the second drug, cymbalta.
So who am I? Am I the sad person who starts to berate herself over silly things? Or am I the bold person who is willing to stand up for herself when medicated and well? Am I fucking with my soul and my karma by taking medication that stabilizes my mood? Am I the person who hates physical tough to the point that when my daughter decides to kiss my arm (20 times in a row) I want to fling her into a wall? Or am I the mom who loves to hug and snuggle my kids?
At what point are we ourselves and at what point are we simply a chemical experiment?
Pleasantville August 2, 2006
Posted by spacemom in : Life...otherwise , add a commentRecently, Jay and I have been able to, gasp, watch tv at night. Usually it is between 10-midnight. We used to do this pre-kids. The movie Pleasantville has been on lately. This is an amazing movie.
If you have never seen it, I will give a recap:
Boy loves 50’s tv show called "Pleasantville". He is getting ready for the 24 hour marathon. His sister is getting ready for an MTV date with a hottie from school. They fight over the remote, break it and Don Knotts shows up with a magical remote that sends them INTO Pleasantville.
Slowly, they change the town from the black and white glory into living Technicolor, complete with the "unpleasant" parts of life, and the "more than pleasant" parts too.
This movie gets me thinking about personal growth, passions, routine and the world around us. Since I have seen it recently, I am thinking alot about life in general. How my depression is coloring my world and how I am trying to cope with it. Slowly I see that things are getting better, and it helps when I reach out for the help instead of keeping it all within. I see that if I keep things "pleasant" enough to function, I may never get to find that side of me again that pushes to find those passions I have in life.
Is this a period of growth? I am not sure. But my brain is wondering…
Random Thoughts from a Random Life August 1, 2006
Posted by spacemom in : Life...otherwise , 1 comment so farI’ll try to be good and keep each paragraph on one train of thought, but if I jump tracks, sorry, my day, my writing!
First, BIG BIG congrats to Karen of the ovary. Go over there and enjoy some amazingly cute photos!
In lieu of letting my children suffer the day inside, we went to the zoo yesterday. I take them to the "lame" zoo, which we can cover in about 25 minutes on a cold day. We took about 1.5 hours. Not bad when you consider Crazy H and her two kids were with us. And Luna fell, skinning her knee. TWICE. each knee, nicely hamburgered. Oh yeah, girls are Sooooo much easier than boys (NOT!)
Saw a strange thing at the zoo. They had one of those fans that spray a fine cold mist on you. Made me think of football season when you see all of these sweating males sitting on a bench (which is screaming from the sheer weight) and getting their heads (shaved daily) misted. It would give me brain freeze. But I digress. Sylv wanted to stand in this. First we had to wait for "the mother from hell" who forced her 4 year old to stand in the mist while the child was screaming. Then the mother tossed the girl aside and started going on about "well, you must love being hot" and then started to scream at the girl for crying. I wanted to grab that girl and give her the biggest hug in her life. Kids are irrational. Sorry dude, but that’s the truth. Deal with it. So she doesn’t want to be cool. SO WHAT? Why force her and then degrade her for being 4? UGH, I swear, we need a test for parents…Sorry, you fail, here’s a puppy instead…Oh you really failed, here’s a goldfish, don’t flush it!
I am strongly thinking of switching meds. The higher dose of lexapro ain’t cutting it. I am lucky to have a friend who is "in the business". Her daughter says she is a feelings doctor. She actually suggested the second medication, Cymbalta, for me. She also suggested xanax for panic attacks, but mostly just to have something as a backup. I hate meds, so I might not do the second, but to have someone explain how her patients have described the meds helps. Really really helps. And no, she never tells details of anything, just the "My one patient who was on such and such said…"
My friend L and I are in a weight loss challenge. We decided to both go for 6 weeks. We have different goals, but it helps to have a buddy. I need to exercise more. Oh yeah, tomorrow’s high is 101. I am so going to exercise tomorrow! (snork, pass me the doritos!) I will stick to this, really. I am doing well so far. Now to make it until Sept 9.
Luna is doing better, thank you. Only the one vomit fest and the fevers broke by 10pm. And, the best news of all? She has one point of one of her two year molars coming in! FOUR more teeth. Come on parents, say it with me FOUR MORE TEETH! then I am done with teething FOREVER! (insert insane laugh here)
I sometimes make the mistake of saying silly things like "please turn off the water. We need to save water for the fish." Because of that stupid phrase, Soleil now knows the history of the Grand Canyon, the Colorado River and the water shortages at the mouth of the Colorado due to human consumption.
But mommy, what about the fish? Do they have enough water? Are they DEAD?
Yeah, the fish are dead,honey. Sorry.
Damn reality, coming in and snuffing joy! Oh wait, my bad, shouldn’t have explained life to this girl.
Does any other parent have this trouble? You over explain? Or not. Am I the only one who tries hard, but gets foot in mouth over anything? Yesterday I actually said "Soleil, yes, I didn’t say Luna could sit on the window sill, but it was implicit in me giving you permission to sit there."
"Mommy, what’s ple-sit?"
We have tickets to the Red Sox game tomorrow. Go Indians! I hope I can enjoy the game in the heat. I am sure I will!
Maybe tomorrow the train won’t derail!
