Mom vs Dad vs Job September 6, 2006
Posted by spacemom in : Life...otherwise, Nance, Dr. Jay , trackbackThe highway was packed this morning, according to our websites that track such things, so we took the low roads into daycare/work this morning. On the way, we passed (well, waited behind) several school buses. Soleil was very interested as she will go to school next year.
I noticed that almost every parent waiting with kids was the mom. I mused aloud about this. Yesterday, when the doctor appointment snuck up on us, I left work to deal. Jay had more work to do in the afternoon, so I was the one to go. Usually, I am the one to do the parenting things like this. We share parenting very well. Jay is an awesome modern dad, but when it comes to leaving work, it is me.
We discussed this. Is it because women have to take a maternity leave anyway? So we are more prepared to leave work for our family? Or how about the women who leave work to raise kids until they go to school? Do they feel that it is still mom’s job to come home when one is sick? When Luna was hospitalized at 8 months, I took her to the hospital. I held the poor girl down while they took blood and started an IV. I stayed in the massive crib with her for 2 days. I left work for 1 week to be with her. No questions. I just did it.
Why? I wondered if it is because of they way we’ve set up work? Jay is clearly the main bread winner and his career is far more, I don’t want to use the word important, because if it came down to it, my job is more essential to the spacecraft than his (by a little), but his career takes priority over mine.
Jay thought about this and argued while everything I said was true, he felt it was more of a shift that was happening. He suggested that since women are still shifting to the workplace, that there is still the societal pressures for women to deal when the children need. That daycares were created for WOMEN to work, not men. That when there is a sick child there is an underlying societal expectation for the WOMAN to go home because the man has always been working. He argued that there is very little societal pressure for MEN to stay home and raise children. That while a man who helps alot with the family is considered "great", he is still considered "helping" not doing, while the woman is never considered to be "helping".
This is rolling around my brain. I do not begrudge Jay anything. He is truly a wonderful father and partner. When I am on call, he makes sure his week is clear if something happens. We made a decision together that his career takes priority. But I do wonder what society is telling us.
I was always told as a child that I could do anything. The problem is, society isn’t ready for that yet. How do I tell my girls that they can do anything, but they have to push the boundaries of society too?
Any thoughts on this?
Comments»
It’s interesting. I, too, tend to be the one taking the dotter to the doc, to ballet class, staying home with her when she’s sick. That last one, though, is often because she WANTS ME when she’s sick…
Also, my hubby is more…um…dramatic about these things than I am, and less inclined to just let her *be* when she’s sick.
To boot, if he stays home when she’s sick, the house is a bloody mess at the end of the day.
Interesting thoughts… I’m going to have to roll this one around for a little while.
Well, I think you and I disagree on this one. I think it’s far more than a societal issue. I think it’s human nature. Period. I think you’ll find this phenomenon you observe in every single human society. Mammalian females are the primary caregivers, by design. Mammals have been around for millions of years, and the innate drive to “be there for the kids” is part of our (girls’) genetic heritage. I believe this explains what you have noted above.