I am immortal October 2, 2006
Posted by spacemom in : Nance , 1 comment so farWhen you are young, death barely touches you.Perhaps a pet, a dog dies. Then, as you grow older, a grandparent dies. But death does not strike you.
As we move into the teen years, we all hit the "I am immortal" phase. Nothing can hurt us. Nothing at all. Not love, not friends, not drugs, nothing. Yet, time and time again, as teens, we learn that life does hurt and sometimes it cuts deep. But we are still immortal, just wounded.
We move onto adulthood and start to accept that maybe, one day, death will greet us. But that day is far away. We acknowledge that it will eventually happen. Not today.
Then, we fall in love for the uncountable number of times. One time as the last. This person is different. You realize you would do anything for this person. Anything, even death. Is this a pure thought? Or just something we intend to say? Suddenly, a trip across the country becomes wrought with danger. What if something happens to him? What if something happens to me? What if we can’t be together forever?
Marriage (if you have to), then the unthinkable, a child…
This is where the invincible stop. My invincible self died the other night when I told Soleil about my upcoming trip to the West Coast. I am tired, she is tired. We are snuggling. I tell her that I will leave Early morning this week and return over the weekend. Suddenly, unexpected, without a sound, her face wrinkles up and her body starts to shake. The quiet tears flow as she is racked with sobs. I hold her close. "shhh baby. It’s only a few days. You can help take care of Daddy and Luna. You can handle this" "Nooooooooooo, Mommy. I can’t be without you. I can’t handle it! Make Daddy go on the trip instead. I NEED you,Mommy."
This breaks my heart. I calm her down. I get her to sleep and go to my own room where I cry myself. I always promise that we come back, but what if we don’t one day? I can’t live my life in fear of dying, but it hurts to see Soleil so sad about me going on a trip.
And I am no longer immortal, but a strong soul in a fragile body, and I am called Mommy.
