I have a set walk time at work of 11am. I leave my desk, walk around the town for 15 minutes and return refreshed and ready to attack more at work. I spent my walk yesterday think about my last depressive episode. I was thinking how I had turned the corner. Perhaps this episode was completely behind me. I am now making decisions based on real factors, how I feel, how will this affect the kids, Jay, how are the time factors, etc…

In the evening, we had a preschool parent meeting. This meeting discussed 3-4 year old behaviors and ways to help create positive behaviors. The usual things were discussed, be consistent, be calm, consequences (natural and logical), etc. At one point I mentioned how we don’t do time outs as much as asking the girls to go to their quiet space, their room to calm. They can come out when calm, but I don’t like being screamed at.

After the meeting, we got the girls and went to a Chinese restaurant with Soleil’s friend R. It was fun, BUT my confidence was suddenly gone. The girls were given a little flower when they came in. Soleil and Luna played so hard with them, they broke. Soleil wanted another and I used a natural consequence of "nope, sorry, you had one and you broke it". She did ask for another from the woman at the front. The woman said "NO, you get one! Only ONE!" very harsh. I was torn. On one hand, I was embarrassed by Soleil asking for more. On the other hand, it’s a fricken paper flower, lady..chill!

Bedtime went poorly. Soleil kept pushing my nose. Luna had kicked me in the nose the night before and bruised me. Now I was getting angry. I held Soleil’s arm away from me and told her for the fourth time to not touch me. She cried. I felt like shit.

After she fell asleep, I talked to Jay about this. I felt like I was a loser. Suddenly, I went from being confident in my choices to being a lousy mom. What the hell was going on? Jay pointed out that the meeting was kind of like little picks at you. This is what you should do. Do you do it? And repeat this for an hour. Slowly, I was starting to question my parenting.

Do we yell? Yes, I know we shouldn’t but we do sometimes. Do we hit? No siree. We have no hitting or humiliating in our house. Empty threats (such as I am going to leave you here?) no.  I am not a bad mom, but after a meeting like this, I felt like it. I really felt like it…

Add a 2 year old screaming terror, and you have a complete shattering of confidence. Today I am going to focus on what I do, not what I don’t do…