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A decision of a lifetime October 11, 2006

Posted by spacemom in : She Blinded me with Science, Nance, Dr. Jay , 4 comments

Way back in 1993, a young woman graduated with her BS in Astronomy/Planetary Sciences and Physics Majors. She applied to many jobs in the NYC area, but only got a few bites. Just before the return to Western New York for the summer, one of the astronomy professors asked her if she would be interested in a job in the fall.

Over the summer, she thought about it. She made the decision to take this year off of school, take the Physics GRE and prepare for graduate school. The summer was filled with teaching the sun show at the Buffalo Museum of Science and studying for the GRE. Physics until her brain was saturated with examples and formulae. Finally, she talked with a friend and they rented a house from September to May.

Returning to Long Island was easier than it sounded. The woman felt comfortable there. She had grown accustomed to the sounds, the smells, the people. She was also in love. She had fallen in love with the graduate student she had worked with. He was a PhD candidate, tall, dark, and strangely understood her completely. They had met working together, but hadn’t really fell for each other for a while.

The professor approached her when she returned. He had research for her, but in addition, several of the staff wanted her to take classes. The department would pay for her tuition in return for some teaching. What a deal! She jumped at it, and suddenly was a graduate student without a goal. She took the GRE and did moderately well. She fell below the cutoff for several schools by one question, but still applied everywhere.

Meanwhile, her love grew deeper. The young couple suffered a trial by fire and a crisis of confidence and trust, but they worked through it, building up the trust that had been crushed. They worked together and created a stronger relationship based on mutual respect and trust.

Suddenly, rejection letters came into her mail box. Colorado, Hawaii, UCLA, sigh. But then a call from Ohio State. Would she come for an interview? Yes! YES!  A trip to Ohio, visit to his family a bus ride to Columbus. The visit went well. The group indicated that they seriously wanted her. One of the students told her that she was in. The staff wanted her and she was in.

This was what she wanted. To get her PhD. To become a Doctor of Astrophysics. The nights at the telescopes. The data reduction at the computer. The random thoughts of science and connecting the threads while taking walks or in the shower. This was it! She got the acceptance letter in the mail along with a phone call a few weeks later.

And then reality hit her. He would finish his degree in 1995. She would be expected to finish in 1999. They would have to be apart for at least 6 years. And then what? She started a research project. Most married couples in astrophysics lived apart. The "two-body" problem. Could they do it? Could they really live in different cities or COUNTRIES to do their work and still be a couple?

They had a long discussion. He told her that he would try, but his last long-distance relationship failed. He wanted her to go. Go, get your degree. Don’t let me hold you back from your dreams. Her head spun. What to do? Should she go to Columbus? Should she stay on Long Island? She only had a research assistant job on Long Island. What would she do for money? What if the relationship fell apart? She took several long drives to Montauk and walked on the shores of Long Island Sound at night while the future paths lay in front of her.

After a long two weeks, she spoke.
I have thought about this. I really want to earn this degree. But there is something that I can’t leave. There is something in our love that I can’t let go of. I can’t explain it. I have tried and tried and  I can’t put this into words. I can not leave you. If I go to get my PhD, I will lose you. I can’t afford to do that. Maybe in the future, I’ll get my degree, but for now, I am going to call Ohio State and tell them  no.

He cried. She cried. He took her out to dinner after she called and gave her decision. The professor who had hired her asked her to do a Master’s degree. He offered to be her adviser. The department allowed her to become the first Astronomy/planetary sciences Master’s with Thesis.

10 years later, they rested in their new home. A baby girl slept in her room. They were a family. She stayed in astronomy, but her desire for a PhD is gone. She doesn’t need that. She has all she ever needs now. 

A mom knows October 10, 2006

Posted by spacemom in : Kids , 1 comment so far

I am leaving work in 15 minutes. Luna had a rough morning. Like, going into daycare with Jammies on rough morning. She had snot all over her face when I left. She clung to my arm and the teacher and I had to pry her loose. I even called after lunch to see how she was doing. We have an open door policy, I have NEVER called to check on her past the first week)

The teacher (her favorite) said that Luna wouldn’t play at the playground. She would just sit still with her hands in her lap.

My bosses said it’s okay to go early to play with her. There’s a playground next to her school. We’ll swing and play for a bit. Maybe we’ll go get a cookie snack together. Then get Soleil.

Sigh. I think my travel and then Jay leaving 30 hours after I came back has upset her. Add to that teething and a cold, my baby is just not ok. Jay returns around 11 tonight, so that will be good.

Confessions of a trevelling mom October 10, 2006

Posted by spacemom in : Seeing the World Through Astronomy , 2 comments

I am back and ready to post. Except my stomach is growling. Oh well, it can wait.

I really enjoyed the trip out west. First, I got to board an airplane without a small person complaining about the security line, or the waits or why they can’t watch the DVD yet.  I had an aisle seat, I took a nap, I could get up to use the washroom as much as I needed. Ahhhhhh
The hotel was a very nice hotel. I used the towel warmer every morning, but was always disappointed by how warm it didn’t get. I loved the luxury of having the bed turned down with a robe and chocolates waiting for me every night. I was able to put in a wake up call and have a hot steaming pot of coffee outside my door at 6am everyday.

I got to sleep alone. All night. Ah. No interruptions. The featherbed and down comforter made me so relaxed.
This was useful because the meeting itself was fast paced. Breaks were 30 minutes and often shorter as the sessions ran long. Snacks galore were available, but I was very good and kept myself to a nice slow pace on food.

I really enjoyed my early morning walks around the city. It was pretty, cool and quiet. I miss early morning quiets. Right now, I am usually so tired in the mornings, that I can’t handle getting up early. However, 7am was 10am to me, so going for a walk at 7am was nice. We were right on Nob Hill, so the cable cars could take us anywhere. After my visit to Mary-Mia, I got a cable car pass and then went all over the city.

On Friday, a small group of us went to dim-sum in Chinatown. One of the women who was ordering kept insisting no pork. Unfortunately, I am allergic to fish and seafood, so I finally spoke up and said that I needed things without fish. Almost all of the dishes had shrimp in them. Oh well. I did get a red bean dough ball. Yummy. I have had the red bean pancakes before and not liked them, but these were great! I wanted to visit the tower on telegraph hill. It was cool to see the city, but even cooler was the engagement we saw up there. A man had flown in from Houston. His girlfriend was being brought up to the tower. He gave her a huge bouquet of flowers and a massive diamond. It was very romantic. Being a person who never got engaged, I was moved by this.

The Blue Angels were in town as well. Most of the youngin’s (those under 30) thought I was nuts not to care about the show. I saw lots of air shows as a kid. I am just not interested. So I went back to the hotel and took a nap and caught a few more talks.

I must admit that I really enjoyed the chance to be a free person again. I enjoyed leaving the hotel when I wanted, staying out as late as I wanted, drinking as much as I wanted and other fun things.

But I did miss the girls.

And that chocolate cake they made for me was AMAZING!

Feeling woefully useless October 9, 2006

Posted by spacemom in : Nance , 1 comment so far

Oh lord, I am a lump tonight.
I got back from San Francisco on Saturday night. I promptly feel asleep because I was beyond exhausted. Dear Jay was wonderful, but he had softball in the morning, so he went off to that. Then, we spent all day with the girls, playing, talking, walking. Tonight, I am the queen of WOE.

Jay got up at 5 am to catch a flight to BWI. He comes back tomorrow night. We spent the day playing, watching Backyardigans (Mission to Mars…way cool) and then shopping. One of the things on my list are hinges. Fricken HINGES. That is all I need. But NOOOOO after 5 tries I still can’t get a damn hinge to fit on the cabinet.

I just spent a half hour reading up on hinges and decided that I need to fold the girls’ sheets for daycare, set up lunches and just climb into bed because I feel so useless right now.

Sigh.
The girls did make me a chocolate cake for a welcome home present and it is good! :)

Sigh… the woe of being me

PS. I didn’t put this under depression because this is different than my usual depression. This is just having a frustrating night. The cymbalta is doing wonders and I think I am really past my depressive slump.

5 Things I have Learned in San Francisco October 6, 2006

Posted by spacemom in : Seeing the World Through Astronomy , 1 comment so far
  1. At 35, I still can stay awake for 24 hours straight if given enough coffee and alcohol
  2. Walking 1.75 miles to the train station is easy. I should have bought the cable car pass to get back up that damn hill
  3. Mary-Mia is a very very cool person. Even better in person than on the Internet
  4. Soleil can survive without Mommy, but she cries herself to sleep at night
  5. I can drink more than I thought, and it’s okay to drink with my boss. He’s cool!

More later. Very very very busy. This is the first chance I’ve had to pull out my computer.

Watching them grow October 3, 2006

Posted by spacemom in : Life...otherwise, Kids , 1 comment so far

An amazing thing has been happening at the spacehouse. We are becoming a true family. It is odd. The girls will run off and play. Together. For an hour or so, with NO SCREAMS. It blows my mind.

I didn’t think this would happen so soon. When do your children change from babies to talking individuals?
Ok, one still finds it necessary to defecate on herself, but she can express herself. In ways that her sister never could. This morning, Jay had to run back in the house for something.

Luna: "WAIT!"
Me: " I am just pulling the car out of the garage. I don’t like to be in the garage with the engine on"
Luna: "Wait for Daddy. Don’t leave until daddy is in the car"
Me: "I will wait"
Luna: "Good. Don’t move the car until daddy is in his seatbelt and safe"

Okay….We know who you like!

Soleil did an amazing thing yesterday. She called me into her room. She put one handle of her jump rope in her desk drawer and shut it. Then she handed me the other handle and said " I figured a way to only have one person help me jump rope" You know what? It worked. She developed an amazing way to set up a jump rope for one adult to help her. Wow.

Soleil also was having a ball at gymnastics yesterday. Until she hit her head. Ouch. I happened to be there and we hugged and I had her get back into it. She did great and did get back in. She did a move called a Penny Drop and then went to a Roundoff and did great! The teacher called everyone’s attention to the fact that she hurt herself and still came back.

They do grow. It is amazing.

I am immortal October 2, 2006

Posted by spacemom in : Nance , 1 comment so far

When you are young, death barely touches you.Perhaps a pet, a dog dies. Then, as you grow older, a grandparent dies. But death does not strike you.

As we move into the teen years, we all hit the "I am immortal" phase. Nothing can hurt us. Nothing at all. Not love, not friends, not drugs, nothing. Yet, time and time again, as teens, we learn that life does hurt and sometimes it cuts deep. But we are still immortal, just wounded.

We move onto adulthood and start to accept that maybe, one day, death will greet us. But that day is far away. We acknowledge that it will eventually happen. Not today.

Then, we fall in love for the uncountable number of times. One time as the last. This person is different. You realize you would do anything for this person. Anything, even death. Is this a pure thought? Or just something we intend to say? Suddenly, a trip across the country becomes wrought with danger. What if something happens to him? What if something happens to me? What if we can’t be together forever?

Marriage (if you have to), then the unthinkable, a child…

This is where the invincible stop. My invincible self died the other night when I told Soleil about my upcoming trip to the West Coast. I am tired, she is tired. We are snuggling. I tell her that I will leave Early morning this week and return over the weekend. Suddenly, unexpected, without a sound, her face wrinkles up and her body starts to shake. The quiet tears flow as she is racked with sobs. I hold her close. "shhh baby. It’s only a few days. You can help take care of Daddy and Luna. You can handle this" "Nooooooooooo, Mommy. I can’t be without you. I can’t handle it! Make Daddy go on the trip instead. I NEED you,Mommy."

This breaks my heart. I calm her down. I get her to sleep and go to my own room where I cry myself. I always promise that we come back, but what if we don’t one day? I can’t live my life in fear of dying, but it hurts to see Soleil so sad about me going on a trip.

And I am no longer immortal, but a strong soul in a fragile body, and I am called Mommy.