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mom January 18, 2007

Posted by spacemom in : In A Family Way , 4 comments

Mom’s in ICU. This time, kidney stones, her kidney is infected, but when they went to operate, her BP dropped to below 80/50…

Yikes…

Talking with Depression January 18, 2007

Posted by spacemom in : Depression , add a comment

I have thought of writing this up a while ago. To explain what it feels like… not today, but somedays…

I see you.
When you think I am not looking,
you are just over my shoulder.
You hide when I try to look face on.
You coward.

I see you.
In the day, when the rush of the morning is over
when the quiet settles in
You are there
waiting

At night, when I am rocking my babe to sleep
When all I can hear is her warm breath
I see you.
You are lurking
in the corner of my mind
watching me

We play this quiet game,
you hide, I try not to seek
But you are always there
Waiting to strike when I am faltering

And then I move in.
You might see me in the shadows
but you cannot see when I arrive
I am cold and uncaring,
why should I care?

You think you can beat me
you can’t! I will stay. I will show you
what dark really means
what cold really means
what empty is

I whisper in your ear
"You can beat this. You don’t need help"
Just to trick you
I remind you "No body understands. "
"nobody cares. You are not worth the time"

And I stay, as I wish
I watch you struggle to find emotions
and I quickly snuff them
as the flames of joy or love start to sputter
Despair is all you feel

Do you really wish me to leave?
Yes, I do, I don’t want you.
But don’t you know the truth?
I don’t want to know I won’t listen to you
You know it. You just are trying to ignore it
Leave, I don’t hear you anymore!
I can’t leave

I am you…
 

Do you Google? January 18, 2007

Posted by spacemom in : Nance , 3 comments

I was reading over at Johnny’s this morning when I suddenly got the urge to do some Go*gling. On an ex-boyfriend. I think I found the company he started in my old college town. At least there is a company with the name of his town, started when he was still living in my college town. I wonder, though, because a Go*gle his name brought his parent’s house address with his name…

Should I add him to my holiday card list?

It is odd to imagine ways life have gone. My ex-b was a resident assistant at the college I went to. We only dated 4 months, but we were friends long before that. I had an obsession complex after that, so we slowly became friends again, but it took time. He got stuck at the college. Stuck in the sense that he chose to stay there. I met with him when I did my graduate work, but by that time, I was dating Jay. In between ex-b and Jay, I dated ex-b’s best friend (Bad, bad idea).

In truth, I am happy with the way things have gone. But I sometimes miss talking to him. He was a good friend.

Do you ever look for people in your past? People you have lost touch with?