The sound of a sandwich March 16, 2007
Posted by spacemom in : Nance , 7 commentsIf you eat a grilled nutella, peanut butter and chocolate ganache sandwich and nobody is around to see, do you still need to count the calories?
And can you cancel the calories if you eat it on homemade whole wheat bread?
The hope springs… March 15, 2007
Posted by spacemom in : Fun with Crohn's Disease , 7 commentsThe hope starts as a seed. After years, it seems like there is no hope left to be found. The pain, the medicines, the diagnostics. Family members seem ignorant of your pain. They have no clue. Little things they say cut like knives as you try to remind yourself that they just don’t get it.
One day, a doctor can give you a name for it. You cling to that, a diagnosis. But will that be enough to get to the end state? You start with the simple treatments. It should show signs of working in a few weeks. The theory seems sound. Someone always knows someone’s brother’s sister who had it work for them! But the first treatment fails.
And then the next one.
And the next.
As you proceed down the line, the procedures and drugs have worse side effects. More damage to your body. Higher risks of cancer and other things.
As the needle is placed in the arm, the thought goes through your mind, "is this worth it?"
The journey of infertility and the journey with Crohn’s are eerily similar.
Jay started r3micade 2 weeks ago. There is improvement. Not gone, oh no, the Crohn’s is not in remission, but there is less blood and far less pain in the evening. He can actually read stories to the girls with them on his lap without wincing in pain.
There is hope. The next transfusion is Monday. Each takes 3 hours and then he will have 3 weeks off this time.
This may actually work. Please please please, let this medication work…
Barely keeping my head below water* March 14, 2007
Posted by spacemom in : Life...otherwise, She Blinded me with Science, Depression , 5 comments* The title comes from a song called "W3t Dream"
Okay, this is my third attempt to write this post. Damn firefox keeps crashing!
I am trying to come up for a breath of fresh air. Fortunately, it is warm today (almost 70!) and the air smells sweet!
The early part of the year is always busy and stressful. The major space telescopes have their proposals due this time of year. HST is due in January, Spitzer is due in February and then Chandra in March. Tomorrow is Chandra’s due date. Thank goodness because all of the scientists hide away in their offices at this point and are busy explaining why their science should be done on these telescopes and what great exciting discoveries will be found. Ya, what-evah!
Jay is one of these scientists who hides away. Grrrr
On other fronts, my depression is being a royal pain in the ass and coming in and painting my world black. So bad that I am avoiding calling a certain blogger because my cell phone died while I was talking to her and I am too embarrassed to call her back. Sad? yes… I hide in the kitchen at night…
My soul is tired of everything right now. I need some free time, like time to be nothing… but it isn’t happening right now! Nor does it look good for later..
I am having issues with Soleil and Luna. Internal issues. Like being upset that they are who they are. How stupid is that?
Sigh…
oh yeah, I’m on a roll here!
I am just a barrel of laughs today, aren’t I? I should just go find myself a nice rock to hide under…
Go ahead, Laugh! March 13, 2007
Posted by spacemom in : Parenting 101 , 2 commentsI am so incredibly overwhelmed to actually write with substance, so I leave you a few things that have made me laugh lately:
Grown Up Talk
Luna: Mommy, where did you go tonight?
Me: I went to dinner with Crazy H*.
Luna: I want to go to dinner. You go to a restaurant?
Me: Yes, Crazy H and I went to a restaurant. But we talked grown up stuff.
Luna: What’s grown up stuff?
Me: Wawawawawa (like in Charlie Brown).
Luna: That’s no grown up talk.
Me: What is grown up talk?
Luna: (thinks) "I want a cookie, please" That’s grown up talk!
Charles Darwin vs G-d
Soleil: Mom, who was the first person?
Me: Well, the Torah says the first person was Adam.
Soleil: No, the first person ALIVE.
Me: Still Adam.
(followed by a discussion of biblical vs evolutionary creation theories)
Me: so we call that evolution
Soleil: Wait! I know that (all excited!) It’s like the Evolutionary War!
Me: Um, revolutionary war, but close enough (girl you don’t know how close you are!)
Just like a Real Lion Except…
Soleil: I want to see a real lion.
Jay: Don’t you see Christopher at the zoo?
Soleil: yes. But I mean like Mufasa
Jay: Well, Mufasa is drawn..He looks very much like a real lion except….
Soleil: ….except that he…
Jay: has a different mouth and he talks, and real lions don’t talk
Me: Jay, Soleil was talking and you interrupted her. Soleil, you were saying Mufasa looks like a real lion except…
Soleil: they didn’t draw his penis
* Crazy H is NOT her real name
The Reality of Life March 11, 2007
Posted by spacemom in : Life...otherwise, Depression , 6 commentsI am watching Jay play "trouble" with the girls. It is quite interesting.
I had a breaking point yesterday. I suddenly lost it in the shower. One of the problems with the ad drugs is that I find i can’t cry when I need to. Jay noticed that something was wrong and asked. I replied the worst thing in the world
"There are sometimes when I just want to be ME. I don’t want to be your wife, or Soleil and Luna’s mom, or on the science ops team. I just want to exist alone for a day or two…It’s not that I don’t want the girls, but they are so much work at not being me."
The guilt monster took over. Jay kindly reminded me that this is normal…
And it is.
But sometimes I can’t stop the reality and the guilt from clashing…
Over there- in a box March 9, 2007
Posted by spacemom in : Kids , add a commentMonty Python- The World’s Greatest Critic
"Some people have made the mistake of seeing Shunt’s work as a load
of rubbish about railway timetables, but clever people like me, who
talk loudly in restaurants, see this as a deliberate ambiguity, a plea
for understanding in a mechanized world. The points are frozen, the
beast is dead. What is the difference? What indeed is the point? The
point is frozen, the beast is late out of Paddington. The point is
taken. If La Fontaine’s elk would spurn Tom Jones, the engine must be
our head, the dining car our esophagus, the guard’s van our left lung,
the cattle-truck our shins, the first-class compartment the piece of
skin at the nape of the neck, and the level crossing an electric elk
called Simon. The clarity is devastating. But where is the ambiguity?
It’s over there in a box. Shunt is saying the 8:15 from Gillingham,
when in reality he means the 8:13 from Gillingham. The train is the
same, only the time is altered. Ecce homo, ergo elk. La Fontaine knew
his sister, and knew her bloody well. The point is taken, the beast is
molting, the fluff gets up your nose. The illusion is complete; it is
reality, the reality is illusion, and the ambiguity is the only
truth. But is the truth, as Hitchcock observes, in the box? No, there
isn’t room, the ambiguity has put on weight. The point is taken, the
elk is dead, the beast stops at Swindon, Chabrol stops at nothing, I’m
having treatment, and La Fontaine can get knotted."
I often read Here Be Hippogriffs and nod quietly. For Soleil is not unlike Julia’s son (but she is certainly not as bright at Julia’s son either). She reads, but behind our backs, refusing to make a mistake in front of people she cares about. She had me create a number book (with numbers 1-200).And I have to read it to her at bedtime (yeah, that’s an exciting plot!) She can count to 1000, with care. She is bright, but I try not to compare her with other kids. I figure each child is different. She has troubles accepting who she is. She hates to be last in anything. She can’t handle being pointed out as different. She will not make a mistake on a new task.
The preschool co-coordinator at daycare told us that Soleil has very unusual ways of approaching a problem. She said "There’s the box. And Soleil is over on the opposite side of the room from the box." We see this and we encourage it.
We see too many kids who are pushed into success and pushed into sports and pushed in general by parents. We push free thinking. Terrible, I know, but we do. We encourage both of the girls to stop and come up with solutions to their own problems. We ask open ended questions in response to their questions. We
encourage them to try new things, but to respect their decisions if they don’t like the new thing.
No wonder the poor girl is out of the box.
Not sure where this post is going, but just some general thoughts about the box in general. The ambiguity has gotten too big.
Five new faces March 7, 2007
Posted by spacemom in : Weblogs , add a commentI know, four of these blogs are all password protected, but I need to give a yell out to:
American Family: Congrats on L!
I see the Moon: congrats on your beautiful daughter M!
T for Two/Jujubee: Congrats on finally meeting S!
Sparky: Wow, G is beautiful.
And last, but certainly not least:
Congrats to CLmama, who is still outnumbered, but has brought her daughter home!
Family March 6, 2007
Posted by spacemom in : In A Family Way , 1 comment so farIt is interesting to read how different people have different relationships with their parents. I can only assume that my family falls within the normals of dysfunctional, as in all families have some form of dysfunction.
My mom is a very kind person. She tries to listen to others and relate to them. She tries to do nice things for people. Unfortunately, she has a bit of egotism that reflects within all of her actions. For example, when she listens, she will then tell you of a similar woe that occurred to her. She is not trying to do one-upmenship, it just comes out that way.
My dad was in the Navy. My grandparents(mom’s parents) used to say that he was accustomed to following orders, so he and mom work well together. He is suddenly computer savvy and combines the skills of computers with the retired life and has all of his medical records on the computer or on-line. Kinda scary. It’s like "Medicare meets the Hacker". He is enjoying his retired life and that is good.
I love them very much, but six days of visit is about all I can handle right now! Mom got herself in trouble with Jay (yea for Jay) when we left her alone at the house for 90 minutes and she showered and started her laundry, but failed to clean up the breakfast table. Sigh. Her logic was that she was concerned she would put things away in the wrong place and upset us (see, she was being thoughtful and didn’t want to upset us by putting things in the wrong place). Jay calmly explained that you don’t get in trouble in our house for trying to help and doing it wrong. Because trying is better than not. She got the point and did dishes a few times which was VERY helpful when we have 6 people eating at the house. Dad helped when he could to. That’s good. We had them put the girls to bed 2 nights, so we could go out and relax. Tonight, the 4 adults are going out. Soleil is a little sad, because she wants to take grandma out to dinner.
The best part of this visit, and the reason why I am trying to stay calm and centered with all of the stress of family, is that this is good for the kids. My parents and Jay’s families live so far away that I am sad we can’t just visit once a week. But these long visits do make up for that. The kids get to play and meet their grandparents. And that is important. I don’t want my girls growing up not knowing their grandparents. I want them to be comfortable with them.
I do have quiet panics that I will create a relationship like my mom and I have, but Soleil and I have an unspoken bond that goes deep. And Luna and I are developing one. It is odd, given how long it took me to bond with Soleil as a baby, but now she is sad if I go out for a night with a friend.
Communication, honesty, respect. If we keep these avenues open, I hope to keep my relationships with my children open. And maybe when I am older, they will call me one to three times a day!
Chocolate March 6, 2007
Posted by spacemom in : In A Family Way , add a commentAs I walked into work today, a friend saw me and asked "How’s the visit?"
"No one is dead yet!" I replied. She shook her head and asked if I needed chocolate.
I am on a quest right now to a) complete the work I need to get done (some simulations of an upcoming observation) and b) to find a suitable restaurant for taking my parents to tonight.
Wish me luck!
I have lots of thoughts about the family calls. When things slow down, I will write more…
(my sewing machine should arrive tomorrow! I just bought "Sewing for Dummies". Maybe I can figure out the machine by April!)
Questions and beware the bunny March 4, 2007
Posted by spacemom in : In A Family Way , 10 commentsSo, no offense to the males out there (hey! There are 2 that I know of who read this blog!). I asked about phone calls because my mother-in-law was upset that I only call my parents once a week or so. She has been told by her friends that daughters call 1 to 3 times a day. As she has no daughters, she can only believe this as truth.
Now I love my parents, otherwise, they would not be allowed to stay at my house on short notice. Or I would have kicked them out Friday…
But I can only call about once a week. That’s it. I email occasionally, but really, we call about once a week and that’s good.
I am trying to hang in here for my family visit. It has been frustrating and tomorrow I am home with my parents and the girls. Jay gets to sit still for 3 hours with an IV infusion. We are arguing over who will have it easier tomorrow.
So I leave you with The Bunny. Mom bought an Easter cake pan (although she swears it’s not really for easter) and we made the cake and frosted it with a nice ganache
