An hour of bliss

I spent my birthday gift today. An hour massage. Bliss.

After wrenching my shoulder yesterday, I decided to call in the heavy guns, my masseuse. Now, this is not a regular occurrence. Maybe  once every 3 months or so, but it is so worth it.

I was asked to come in a half hour early. The girls were being, well, insane, and so I jumped at the chance.

When I first came for massages, I was embaressed to get undressed. I still keep my panties on, but I remove everything else. It really helps. Now I just go right in, get down to the skinny and get on the table.
She came in shortly after I was resting on the table, face up as she had requested.

I asked for music and she put on my favorite, the CD where I can either be in Hawaii, Japan or a North American conifer forest. The birds are making wonderful chirps, water is flowing and a gentle wind instrument plays. I got lost in the moment as she worked my shoulder, my neck, my arms

I get little electric shocks when she does my fingers. I never know why except it always happens. She moved to my legs and feet. This is amazing. I can almost see the trees above my head as I lay in the grass by a Buddhist temple. There is a specific temple in Hawaii that this CD reminds me of.

After I turn over, she works my back. Oh I can feel the tension dissolving. I am floating. She works the backs of my legs, my calves and hamstrings. Oh this is so good.

My neck and head get attention again. I know my hair will be a greaseball when I leave from all of her oil, but man does this feel like heaven. My sore shoulder is doing better, but then she works it hard again. I can feel the lactic acid breaking up.

Finally, sadly, my hour is up. I take my time getting dressed, getting ready for the real world.

When I return home, the girls jump at me and then immediately start fighting (they were playing chess when I walked in and fighting over trading bishops). The tension is returning already. Sigh…

But at least I had one hour of bliss…



I’m in pain. In misery

My shoulder seized up this morning in the shower. I have pain running down my neck into my shoulder and down to my elbow….

I hate this….

100 things, stolen!

This is stolen from American Family and Chicago Mom!

100 things about Spacemom

  1. I really like Buffalo New York
  2. I am starting to really enjoy Boston Massachusetts
  3. I am the second child of a two child family
  4. My sister is 5 years older than me
  5. My mom had 5 pregnancies
  6. Mom fell down a flight of stairs when she was 3 months pregnant with me and broke the amniotic sac
  7. The doctor told her to rest and then told Dad outside of the room that she would lose this pregnancy
  8. She didn’t
  9. I was a loner in elementary school
  10. I only had 2 close friends
  11. In Middle school, the circle grew to include 2 more
  12. I still talk to 2 of these women on a semi-regular basis
  13. Crazy H is one of these friends
  14. She lives 20 minutes from me now
  15. We met when I was 4
  16. My best friend now lives in the same small town we grew up in
  17. She has 2 kids
  18. And she is a widow
  19. Her husband died in the Army
  20. I will never forget that day, January 6, 2000
  21. He was 22 days shy of 30 years old
  22. I have always loved astronomy
  23. Since I was 5, I would watch satellites when we went camping
  24. I hated camping
  25. And spiders. I hate spiders
  26. I once could name all 88 constellations
  27. I can still identify most of the Northern ones within a few minutes in a dark site
  28. My first telescope was a cheap one.
  29. It took me almost 30 minutes to get the moon in view
  30. I was scared to look in the telescope because I might see something scary
  31. I worked at 3 different places during high school and college
  32. The first was the museum of science in Buffalo.
  33. The first signs of overt racism came in when people asked me if I was scared to drive there
  34. I wasn’t scared and only once people mentioned it did I notice the area was predominately African-American
  35. The second was an amusement park that is now owned by Six Flags.
  36. I worked in the commissary
  37. I loved making popcorn
  38. It would take 1 hour to make 10 garbage bags full of popcorn
  39. I loved mixing the sugar and cotton candy flavor
  40. I would sneeze pink or blue after mixing it up for hours
  41. When an apple fell in the candy mix one day, I got a 3rd degree burn on my finger.
  42. The park wanted me to just work through it
  43. I insisted on going to a doctor.
  44. I got fired the day I refused to sell beer because it would have left two 14 year olds in the commissary to do all of the work.
  45. In New York state, 14 years olds can not touch knifes in the work place
  46. We had peppers and onions to prepare that day
  47. I was disgusted by the quest for profit over safety
  48. I worked nights at a local department store
  49. I was the only woman on a stocking crew
  50. We would race around the store at night in shopping carts
  51. My team often won!
  52. When I was 10, a family member tried to commit suicide
  53. It didn’t work, but it set up family counseling
  54. I was the one person who never talked in the sessions
  55. Nobody cared that I didn’t talk
  56. I started to withdraw
  57. I fell in love with a kid at school
  58. Everyone knew I had a crush on him
  59. He was scared of me
  60. I was obsessive
  61. I still wonder where he is
  62. I decided to apply to schools in New York only because Dad had lost his job
  63. In the end, I only applied to one school, University of Stony Brook
  64. I got in
  65. I loved it
  66. Long Island hair scared me and I never understood how people did that
  67. My first roommate was from Staten Island and incredibly racist
  68. College was the first time I met a Jewish person, an Indian person and an African-American
  69. One of my best friends was Indian
  70. Her family was very strict with her
  71. She tried to commit suicide in sophomore year
  72. Her family took her out of school and made her get married in an arranged marriage that she didn’t want
  73. I went to her wedding, but have not heard from her again
  74. After she left, I would go up to the chemistry building and stare out the plate glass windows at night
  75. I often considered running down the hallway and not stopping at the glass
  76. I never did it
  77. I went through a very depressive stage during college
  78. I discovered that going to the Long Island Sound or the ocean calmed me.
  79. I discovered that rough seas made me feel better
  80. That discovery disturbed me
  81. My first boyfriend dumped me when I started going to the mental health clinic
  82. I was devastated
  83. I threw myself into thermal dynamics and raised my C average to an A- for the year
  84. I started working as a resident assistant to start things over
  85. The woman that I took over for had woken up in her bed with a strange man next to her watching her.
  86. I got her room
  87. It scared the shit out of me
  88. I started a job in the astronomy program
  89. There was a grad student working on observations, I signed up one night a week
  90. It was Jay
  91. We worked together for almost a year before he asked me out
  92. I said no
  93. After I broke up with another guy, we started dating
  94. I was still working for him
  95. I applied to grad schools, but decided to stay with Jay
  96. I was the first planned Master’s degree in the astro program at SB
  97. Jay got offers for jobs in Germany, they would have taken me in the PhD program
  98. Instead, he took his current job
  99. I was officially hired here before he was
  100. One hundred things is not as many as I thought


This post was hard to write. I don’t know how long I’ll keep it up…

Sometimes, I wonder what people see in my eyes. Do they see an intelligent, ambitious woman? A mother? A friend? Or a person who is sometimes so over wrought with depression that the tree on the side of the road looks tempting to drive into?

Honestly, few people see the last part of my persona. However, this is a real part of me. I can’t run from it, it is me. I am lucky, I have been surrounded by friends who know this is part of me. They have
helped me, especially Jay, when life gets too much.

Some people don’t get this. I was watching South Park last night and Token (yes, the African-American kid is called Token) was pissed at Stan because Stan’s dad said the N-word (damned if I’ll type it
here!). And Stan kept trying to say he was sorry and he understood. Token was still pissed. Finally he walked
up to Token and said "Dude, I don’t get it. There’s no way I can get how you feel. I just don’t get it." Token replies, "Stan! You got it! You finally got it"

That’s how I feel sometimes. Unless you have experienced depression you can’t really "get it". You can sympathize, you can comfort, you can support, but you can’t empathize with me. So I often hide it.

I wonder if this is how the Virginia Tech killer felt. That nobody "Got it". That he was alone. He needed help. People tried in some ways. But nobody got it. Nobody could walk up and say "I’ve been there. Let’s get you help. You can leave this stuff behind."

NO I don’t think he did the right thing. NO, I am not trying to blame others. He was mentally ill. He should not have been allowed to buy guns. He should have not taken others out with him.

The problem with mental illness is that the disease often prevents you from getting help. Your disease speaks to you. Tells you that it’s all within yourself. It doesn’t tell you that it is okay to seek help.

When I first thought I was suffering from post partum depression, I was terrified. Terrified because a story in the Boston Globe had run during my pregnancy about a family where DSS took away the kids because one
twin kept breaking his bones. Even though the doctors were investigating a genetic disorder, DSS took the kids away. I was then told (I forget where) that if you mention any mental health issues
during your pregnancy, the staff would mark your folder and report it to DSS. I was terrified that talking and getting help would mean someone would take Soleil away from me. The voice inside agreed. Keep
it quiet. Don’t tell anyone.

Obviously, I decided to tell Jay. And at a doctor appointment, I told my endocrinologist. Who walked me over to mental health and had someone see me right away. But this person was terrible. She insisted that the
birth was traumatic and causing me to relive past events.

I never saw her again.

Jay insisted. Find another doctor.

I called my doctor and got a list of people who dealt with PPD. The first one wouldn’t take new patients. The second didn’t take my insurance. The third was not taking new patients. I finally found someone.

I had support. A friend pushing me to get the help.

Imagine this… it took 4 calls and a terrible visit before I could see someone who helped. I could have dropped this at anytime. If I didn’t have support, I could have walked away. "It’s not worth it. It’s too much effort."

I put my depression out here on the blog. I want others to know this is REAL. It’s not just you. I want people to know that this is not all in your head. There are people who "Get it". We are out here.

It’s a sad state in our country when one can’t get health care easily. Physical health is one thing, but mental health is even harder. I still get statements from my health insurance telling me how much they don’t cover for mental health…

The other day, Soleil noticed the flags at half-staff. She asked why. All I could tell her was that something bad had happened, but it was too scary to tell her. She would get too upset.

And it is too scary. Here was a man in need of help, and no-one who could help him. And in his way out, he felt he had to take so many others with him. It’s not fair. And that is the way mental illness
works. It’s not fair…

The Paperwork!

First, I must say, GO SABRES! With a resounding 5-2 victory over the New York Rangers, my team started round two well!

Today I spent this morning at school. Kindergarten. Yippie. (insert sarcasm here). The kids had 45 minutes of screening. It was simple stuff like letter recognition and other tasks (stand on one foot, draw this, play with that, hearing and eye tests)… The parents had, I kid you not, 12 pieces of paperwork to turn in. Oy! The Preschool assessment, the health forms, the parental assement, the birth certificate, etc…It was such a pain. And then the questions
"Does she sleep well?"

Um, if you count 8 hours of sleep a night well, then SURE…

"Does she react well to new situations?"
Um, yes, she walks up to anybody and will spell our name and give out our phone number.

"Does she observe the world around her?"
Do you mean like last week when she asked why the flags were at half staff and who had died? Yeah, she observes the world around her.

One of the other parents has a 14 year old. He said that last time, there was no paperwork. He was surprised by the amount. Another couple were complaining about the paperwork. "It’s too much. " and then the complaints because the first week is half days for the Kindergartners "When were they going to tell us?" (um, I’ve known since Feb) "We have to plan for child care. I mean, we have IMPORTANT work to do!" (and the rest of working parents don’t?) It really annoyed me. I mean, yeah, earning a living is important, but isn’t education important too? And making sure your child is comfortable?


And lastly, as expected, depression is hitting full force this week. Damn it.

This is just sad

Dudes, This is sad. Like really really really sad.

I just went down the the bowels of the observatory and pulled "Textbook on Spherical Astronomy" by W.M. Smart out of the library.

I have to do some Spherical Trig.

The saddest part of all is that I could actually DO this stuff without a book when I was 16. 16!!! Now, at 36, I can’t even remember how to calculate the angle based on a chord….

Total Exhaustion

I am exhausted. Totally and completely. The weekend was good. Today was good, but I am so effen tired of the mommy game. You know the one, the one where one child decides to get on your lap because you decided to sit down? Or you want to collapse on the floor sobbing from the stress of two kids needing you every fricken minute of the day, but when you lay down, they are BOTH on top of you? Or that your husband tries to be helpful by giving you the day’s news in the 10 minutes that you are trying to cook dinner (which you suck at and only do on Mondays) and bake two dinner rolls that the girls made?

The day was good. Saturday was good, Sunday was good, but right now I need less of sharing myself for every fricken person around me…

Sigh… and I wonder why I want to hide?

Don, oh how I’ve missed you!

So I am back from the doctor’s. Miss me?

I forget, but part of me is pretty sure it was T-shaped Girl who coined the phrase "Don Wand" for the trans vaginal ultrasound. Oh yeah, good old Don. When going through infertility, Don and I were buddies. Good buddies. We met on a frequent basis checking for follicles and uterine linings.

Today, Don was looking for, well, something. Other than the fact that Lefty is 1 cm larger than Righty, and I have some free floating fluid hanging around Lefty, everything looks good. Don was thorough and took time. He can even do Doppler now to check for blood flow. The tech was careful to check all around Lefty for tumors by looking for abnormal blood flow.  And she told me what she was doing. I love this place.

Nothing was out of place, not the unspoken "C" that I was starting to worry about. That is good, but we are no closer to understanding the pain. My gyn wants me to chart the pain and keep track of it. She wants me to call anytime I feel that I need to. She will get me in ASAP like she did today. She was concerned, but she is now confused.

Hey, what is life, if not a mystery.

Thanks for the good thoughts!

A little disturbed

I have a ton that I want to write about(mostly  the mentally ill and the legal options against us and what could have been done with Cho), but today I am throwing myself into work.

I have been having a pain in my left side for awhile now. I mentioned this to my gyn last visit. It seemed associated with ovulation. However, it is getting more and more frequent. She told me to call in a few months if it persisted, so I called yesterday. She had me arrange for an appointment ASAP. She even double booked herself to see me tomorrow.

I want to just assume I have a harmless cyst or something like that. But…I am a little disturbed by how urgent she was to book me.

So please, distract me! Send me some jokes, some stories, remind me why I can’t run a fricken CGI script on a file in a secure area (YEA, I know I know, it just would have been easier to do it all via CGI)….