Thinking out loud..on adoption issues… April 11, 2007
Posted by spacemom in : Weblogs, Parenting 101 , trackbackthere is an odd debate(?) on adoptive parenting going on. Basically a woman who is debating adoption is feeling unsure. She put this out there on her blog. Others commented and there is a ton of ancedotal "my friend did this.." crap in the comments. Then other bloggers jumped in to discuss some of these issues and items that came up in the comments.
I feel funny (odd, peculiar, not humored) by these conversations and debates. While meandering the infertility route, we did our second IUI with drugs. Our RE (reproductive endocrinologist) was not very optimistic. Since infertility treatment is covered in our state, you must try all of the avenues, in other words, we HAD to do two rounds of IUI + drugs before we could move onto IVF. He was very honest with us. He didn’t see that this would work. He wasn’t sure IVF would work either. We were diagnosed with "unexplained infertility" (which means "I don’t know what the F is wrong with you guys"). Discussions continued in our house.
One day we went for a walk on some hiking trails. I told Jay, "tell you what. I am not sure this bio kid thing is going to work. I am willing to use the resources we have and do 2 IVFs, but I am not going to wait forever for a child to join our family. How do you feel about adoption?" He was quick and to the point " I would have no issues as long as we adopt a Jewish child. We want to raise a Jewish family and somewhere there is a child whose mother wants him/her to be raised Jewish."
We discussed this for a while.
We continued with the treatments. Somewhere I wanted to have a biological child to know I wasn’t broken. Somewhere I didn’t care how the child came to us. We came to an agreement: we would do two and only two rounds of IVF. In addition to doing the IVF, we would start talking with our Rabbi about adoption via a Jewish agency. It would be as open as possible in the sense our child would know where they came from. We did not yet discuss open adoption or other issues.
The surprise came that I actually got pregnant with the second IUI+injection cycle. I had troubles with the early stages and thought we lost her twice. But she came to us.
When she was one, the discussions started again. I had a checkup and my ob/gyn asked if I wanted a referral back to my RE. No. Here was the plan. 6 months trying without help, mostly to get us in the mindset of having another child; then back to the RE starting at what worked last time. If this and 2 rounds of IVF failed, we would start pursuing a Jewish adoption. I did not want an only child (not that onlies are bad, it’s just not what I wanted for Soleil).
Imagine my shock when I got pregnant the 3rd month! And promptly lost it. And got pregnant the 4th month. And had very low progesterone. By some miracle, she hung in there (although a complicated pregnancy again) and we dropped our plans for IUIs and IVF and adoption.
So here we are, a family of 4. Both of my children are biologically related to me, but it may not have been that way.Our parenting methods would have been similar. We may have changed some things if our child came to us in a different way, but not by much. We would have instilled the same values and love that we currently do..
This is where I step on toes….Did I put adoption as a "second choice"? Did we put IVF as a "second choice"?
Is it odd that I saw all of this options as a pathway to having a child? That I needed a plan? That I knew eventually we would have children to raise, whether they were blood relations or not?
The blog debates interest me, but they make me rethink our choices in the sense of how I view other’s families.
I cannot change what we have done, but I certainly can try to understand the issues that others are bringing up.
And so I listen and read, and think…
Comments»
I don’t see your actions as synonymous with adoption being a “second choice”. Instead adoption was part of the options you were comfortable with, and you tried them in the “traditional order”.
We went down that same path, with similar conversations (except for the Jewish part) and simply decided to skip IVF. But the option of adoption was part of our plans from early on and we were and are comfortable with the choices that we made. And thrilled with the outcome.
It doesn’t seem to me like anything you discussed with your husband was a choice soley based on a numerical order either physically or emotionally…when a child does not come to you easily and you do want a family you must be practical. Sometimes practicality comes in numbers or numerical ordering of events. This, in my opinion does not take away from the fact that a child is wanted, and will be loved.
I feel so bad for the people who seem to get “stuck” in that emotional place of needing a pregnancy. (I have been there, and can sympathize.) Sometimes because of the extreme emotional distress it is just hard to move on to the place of “child” and family with child rather than pregnancy.
I appreciate the folks who do self examine and say “Hey, do we want pregnancy or do we want a child?” It is not always an easy answer.
I don’t think you put adoption as a second choice - but, rather, you were pragmatic about it. You wanted a family, and you went the routes that were most economical. (Perhaps you are not saying that directly - I guess I feel like maybe you implied it by saying that fertility treatments are covered in your state.) Being pragmatic as to finances and a timetable is not putting any choice “second” - except in terms of using your resources and time most effectively to achieve the end-desired-result…
As someone who CHOSE adoption for her second child - I found the discussion on the controversial post to be really disheartening. I’m not going to lie and say I have a perfect relationship with Lana, but, I certainly have as “real” a relationship with her, at 3 months in, as I did with my bio son was he was 3 months old. I am just the kind of mother who needs time to fall in love with her children - I could not love Gabriel more or less if he weren’t genetically mine. He is mine by time and circumstance - the fact that my DNA runs through him is not something I think about often, if at all, except in circumstances like this one. It is not blood that makes Lana my child, but, she is my child, nonetheless. It makes me sad when people feel like they are ’settling’ for a child who comes into their family through adoption. SIGH.
Gretchen
I consider our choice of adding to our family through adoption as us having exercised one of our alternatives. It’s no better or worse than having a bio child, just different. I’ve grown my family both ways and both are amazing and I wouldn’t change a thing. Adoption may not have been the very first thing we thought of when it came to having kids, but we sure are thrilled that we took that path because I couldn’t imagine my family any other way than it currently is.
And I will beat up anyone who thinks I “settled” for my daughter… if this is “settling”, sign me up because it’s brilliant!!lol
Mrs. J.
Gretchen,
I understand. I did not “bond well” with either of my chidlren early on. I think you would all think I am a nut case if I described how it was.
I just worry that I look at how we set up our choices (Space Family’s slogan “You need a plan to deviate from”) and I think of others that way. You know, there are people who just go for a child via adoption and this was not allong my way of thinking..
Perrin-
Yes, it sucks that I was that insecure about myself that I wanted to have a pregnancy to “prove” I wasn’t broken or something… Weird, no?
I have been searching around for adoption related blogs and have stumbled upon a recent firestorm of anger and ‘us against them’ ugliness.
I appreciate that you are able to write about this topic without all the judgement I am seeing elsewhere.
Before adoption I was asked by my minister how did we feel about adoption. Both of us had no problem with it. We tried the natural way but I found out I had a problem with my egg(s). So I was advised early on not to have a natural borned child unless we were ready for any complication in the early stage. Nathan and I just was not ready for this at all. We look into adoption. I did not want domestic adoption (where the birth Mom want an update every month - forget it and have 6 months to decide if we change her mind). We went the China route. We have 2 wonderful munchkins and would not think twice about adoption.
I did not go the IVF route because the needle scares the heck out of me. And also it is not one I like everytime where I have to draw blood. Thank you but no thank you.
Sending you private email on this.
As an adopted child it has always puzzled me, this debate as to whether adopted children are the “last resort” kids, whether choosing to try for bio kids first means adoption is “settling” for “second best”.
I honestly believe that there is no True answer in this case, but merely a matter of perspective. My parents tried for years for a bio child, but I’ve never once considered myself as “second choice”. It seems absurd to me to even suggest such a perspective. Perhaps this debate is more about peoples’ insecurities than about whether adoption is a “first” or “second” choice (and whether that even matters!).