The downward spiral began a few days ago. But now it has gotten close to the bottom.
It starts small, a stress over an imperfection. Then it starts to gain speed until it becomes a giant snowball. We leave for a wedding in a few hours. I am currently a ball of stress and anxiety. Once we get on the plane, I know I will crash. This is just how it is right now.
Last night, I was down in the pit of despair. I could not move, I was paralyzed with depression. I will hit that again tonight.
I’ve had more good days than bad lately. So why is this hitting me so damn hard?
I have a strange ambition to write something. I don’t mean my blog, or a letter to my kids or things of that nature. I mean, I want to write a book. I don’t know why. Perhaps it is a desire to have something of mine created? Something that will make people think?
The problem is, I don’t know what to write about. I wouldn’t know. Things that I think of are often trite. I like science fiction, but I don’t ever feel cleaver enough to write in that genre. I love murder mysteries, but more because I like to solve them. I am not sure I could come up with a good murder. I have a story rolling around in my head, but I am not sure how I would write it. It would be based on truth, but obviously it can not be the truth anymore.
I am also unsure how to create a character. Seriously, people go to meetings and classes on this. How could I just create characters and work with them? What if I create Frankinsteins instead of Belles? What if I ever decided to just start writing? Would it suck ass? Or would it actually work?
Have you ever thought of writing? Have you ever thought of branching out in such a strange direction that is abnormal to all you have done?
I prepared the fabric for the CW (chilly Willy) pajamas. I measured the fabric and realized that I had to create my own layout of the patterns. (For those who don’t sew, every pattern comes with a layout of how to place the peices on the right sized peice of fabric to cut items out efficently.) I was cutting the front of the top out when I realized I had made a mistake. I quickly adjusted and made up for it with no damage or extra fabric used.
However, I discovered that I am nervous about this whole project. While laying out and cutting out the fabric, I thought long and hard about this.
I am afraid of screwing this up.
I am afraid these won’t fit the person intended.
I am afraid the larger Chilly Willys will land on her nipples and just look silly
I am afriad that this just won’t work out right.
I really need to ditch the perfection. I am a person who wants things perfect. Correction, I need what I do to be perfect.
And when it doesn’t come out that way, I feel like I failed.
If anyone wants to take my perfection, please, take it. Because I need to learn to let it go. Just let it go…..
So, am I the only person on the planet who gets interrupted while trying to get their 3 year old to sleep by the following conversation:
Jay: " Mom! If you’re home, turn on the game! The Indians just turned A TRIPLE PLAY!"
Jay: "Yeah! Seriously! I gotta call Lee!"
No one else? Sigh… I figured.. Never mind
I am taking a break from Crazy H. Mostly, because she is driving me crazy right now.
I called her up a few weeks ago to vent about getting mono. Instead, I listened to her woes that she had been asked to apply for a new job that would pay her much more money, give her a managerial role, allow her to have much more flexible hours, etc.
She was "afraid to apply". I had to listen to her for 30 minutes. This drove me crazy.
When I finally explained why I had called, she went on and on about how she wondered if she had mono too because she was so tired lately. Grrrr
I saw her the day after Jimmy died. At NO POINT during that weekend did she see how I was doing. She was so wrapped up in herself that I was hurt. At one point, I apologized to the other parents for being so paranoid about the whole life jacket thing and she asked "why are you paranoid?" When I replied "um, my friend just died, by drowning" she said "oh, is that it?" Hello? As if I shouldn’t be affected by Jimmy’s life or death? I was so angry at that point I wanted to scream.
Later that weekend, she was comparing the "costs" of applying for the new job. When she was working out health care, she came up with $10K as the cost out of pocket she would have to pay instead of $0 as she does now. She announced that it really didn’t matter because they would use her husband’s health insurance. However, she would insist on getting the $10K extra in salary. When I asked why she rolled her eyes and acted as if she needed to treat me as the person she would be asking for the extra salary. I don’t need bull shit. If I did. I would watch John Edward more often.
This has really turned out to be one large vent. I guess the truth is that I am angry at Crazy H. She is focusing on herself and not being a very good friend right now. And that is pissing me off.
All dressed up for the Bar Mitzvah!
A while ago, a blogger asked for some help in finding Chilly Willy pajamas for his wife.
I left an ebay search up and found Chilly Willy fabric instead. So being the
crazy nice person that I am, I offered to sew the pajamas for her! I have now completed half of the pattern and last night measured the other half. Exhaustion kicked in before I could finish and Jay sent me to bed. Tonight, I will finish the pattern and start to lay it out on the cloth.
I am actually quite excited by this. This project has buttons. And I modified the original pattern to match the jammies that this blogger sent me. I am worried that I will get the hems wrong or the waist too tight or too loose since I can’t actually try them on her (we are different sizes), but I know that pajamas are pretty forgiving.
My next trip is August 29. I hope to have the pants finished by then and the top most of the way done. Wish me luck!
As part of the last weekend’s festivities, we went to Friday night and Saturday morning Shabbot services for my nephew.
To be honest, I am not a good person to go to an organized religion session. I am WAY too cynical. Friday was not bad except that we had missed the 3 pm ferry (because there was a Mariners game and the ferry was overbooked) and that was supposed to be my nap time. I then developed a fever and nearly passed out at temple. I am digressing. I am agnostic. I believe in a creator. I just don’t believe this creator really wants to be worshiped and have people kill over him/her/it. I rather think of it as a big old friendly guy (yes, the sexist view of gods has gotten to me) who sits back on the beach, drinking a Bacardi breezer (the WINE cooler, not the malt beverage) and watching what he created move.
Saturday’s service was 1.5 hours of praise to this guy. Praise of the wonders of the universe, praise of all of our human qualities. Praise of everything. Then the Rabbi talked about how we need to have humility and be respectful of G-d and how thinking too much of ourselves is bad. In my mind, all I could think was "But, all we are doing is telling G-d how great he is. Wouldn’t that give him a swollen head too? If people are made int he image of G-d, then our weaknesses are his weaknesses and well, he is just as vulnerable as we are" (see? I am too cynical) To watch the choir go full force got me really in a tizzy as all I could see in my head was the guy on the beach shaking HIS head saying "dudes, go out and help others, don’t sing to me!"
I asked Jay how he felt about all of this. Why go to temple to praise G-d, when Torah really talks a great deal about being good to others? His interpretation is that he needs temple to remind him how to be good to others. That he isn’t kind or good enough on his own.
I understood what he meant. I could see he believes it. But I can’t. I will still help those when I can. I will make mistakes and not be good to some people, but I don’t need a religion to tell me what I am doing wrong. I can tell by the hurt look in people’s eyes.
I really am too cynical for religion. I think I need to go get a Bacardi Breezer.
We are back in Boston. Whew! What a trip! I am exhausted from the work and amazed the kids did so well. It was busy to be sure and we survived the family. Actually, all but two people were great in the family. Oh well. They are burning their bridges as they see fit!
I have a great deal to catch up on including some things I was thinking about out in Washington State.
But, the big thing is that we made it home, safe and without killing anybody!
Today, we drove down to Olympia, and the D family (from No More Work than One) drove up from their home in the PNW, and we met for lunch and play. Things went well! D was not an axe murderer, nor was K2. S2 and H2 are adorable, but mostly played together, which was fine, as the place we went to was mobbed with kids. D and Jay spent time talking about Moore’s law and other geeky stuff. K2 and I spoke of simpler stuff like zipper workshops for sewing.
Soleil and Luna had fun, but they both fell down at different points and I had to break out the princess bandaids. S2 and H2 have not yet met the princesses. Good for them. Because once they do, it’s all downhill from there!
We had a lot of fun and D and I made fun of Jay because we could spot the Starbucks a block away and he couldn’t (he’s caffeine deprived, what can I do?)
Then we got back and had dinner with family and watched movies. I checked my work email to discover another code had broken and man, is that frustrating. At least I could diagnose the issue with out even looking at the code. Stupid databases.
So, we are getting close to the actual reason for this vacation, a Bar Mitzvah. I hope we survive the stress of a family gathering!