American Fears..or Why Nance is the Oddball February 20, 2008
Posted by spacemom in : Kids , trackbackOne of the nice things about friends is that you can talk about almost anything and be comfortable. The weekend in Florida was a great example of this.
I was raised by two wonderful, and paranoid, parents. I learned how to be afraid of everything. Strangers, germs, dogs, water, falling, you name it, I was afraid. So when I met Jay, I went through a great deal of unlearning. It was hard and different, but I have changed a great deal over the past 15 years.
Jay and I have some differing views on childrearing. He and I both agree with some basics; respecting the child as a person, no hitting (as opposed to physical punishment because we have had to hold Luna’s hands before so she didn’t hit her sister, or me), having the family work together instead of a child or parent driven schedule, the eat dirt theory…
We let the kids do a lot. We have 5 second rule, even though I KNOW that this is false and that most germs get on a piece of food within oh, 1 second. Yes, someone did research on this…However, we decided that the kids will be exposed to some germs and that developing a strong immune system is important. We do vaccinate. We decided on public schooling (see Omegamom for some homeschooling discussions.) I am not opposed to homeschooling. It’s just not for us.
During the weekend, we discussed the big fear of American Parents…Child abduction. That weekend, the Friday, a 10 year old boy in Belmont Mass was almost abducted. He started yelling "this is not my parent" loudly. The man ran. I give that kid a ton of credit for keeping his cool and yelling something that would scare away an abductor and a real parent would be able to deal with.
It made me bring up the question of "when would you allow your child go to a public restroom alone?". Soleil will be 6 in July. She’s 5 and a half right now. Shortly after she turned 5, she started to ask to go to the restroom alone. We allowed it at Friendly’s, a local Ice cream restaurant, where we could see the restrooms. If she was taking too long, I would check on her. Don’t get me wrong, I have my paranoid fantasies of abductions and other unspeakables. I try to teach her what to do if a stranger or someone she knows tried to force her to do something.
I discovered that most of the parents at this get together would wait until their children were about 8 before letting them go to a restaurant bathroom alone (or Disney…that was the bigger example). I know that I am lucky because I have girls. I can take them to restrooms myself as old as I want because there’s no same sex issues. Also, Jay has discovered that he can send the two of them into a restroom and ask the women going in, coming out how they are doing. Women are generally good about this.
We also moved the girls into boosters around 3. This is earlier than most people that I hang with. Basically, I’ve looked at the stats and we’ve balanced the safety factor vs the independence factor. Soleil can seat belt herself in. Luna, not yet, but we are working on it. The boosters work well for them. We do know what CAN happen in a car accident. And we have made our decisions.
I think we’ve discovered that Americans take the worst case and imagine that it can happen to them. From there, decisions are made. For Jay and I, we take the statistical approach of how likely is the worst case to happen, weigh in other factors and then make our decision. I know it puts us in an oddball case. I am sure one day, it will bite us, like when Soleil burned her butt because I let her stand closer to the fireplace than most parents would. On the whole, however, this fits in with our view that kids are not kids one day and adults the next. Our society tens to treat children that way. Teens are treated like children and not as young adults. We don’t give the teens the ability to try out their independence. Instead we enforce strict rules on them and then suddenly turn them lose at 18 or 21.
And this is why I am the oddball. The person out of place. I try hard to balance the fears I have (and believe me, I have them!) versus putting these fears on my kids. But my friends don’t make me feel terrible for feeling the way I do.
What do you do? How do you balance your fears with reality?
Comments»
Great post! I’m with you in that I try to weigh the REAL risks, not the perceived ones. I do leave my kids in the car in certain situations (like where I can park in front of the one-room store). I try to remind myself that while stories of abduction freak me out, the chances are about the same as being hit by lightening (unless you have a crazy ex in your life, I suppose). Anyways, what kills me is that people are willing to overlook greater risks when it’s inconvenient. I mean, if you are serious about protecting your child then none of us should be putting them in vehicles. Children are far more likely to be injured or killed in a car crash than numerous other scary scenarios, and yet we turn a blind eye because we’re so car-dependent. I think letting kids have some independence when they feel they are ready builds confidence. So yay for Spacemom!
I’ll join you.
Then, of course, there’s the fact that most abductions are (as pointed out by ruralaspirations) the work of a non-custodial parent.
When I get into arguments with folks on the internets, the usual catchphrase is “yes, but it’s *100%* when it happens to *your* child!”
A basic understanding of statistics and risk estimation are sadly lacking in the U.S.
I’ve been thinking alot about this post since I read it last night, as well as the other conversations you referred to. And you are right, THIS is what I love about have a group of friends with whom it is safe to discuss our opinions without judgement.
I realize, we all make the decisions that feel right within our families, and for our kids and their personalities. Soleil has always seemed a bit of an “old soul” (which I mean in only a good way!) and very mature and intelligent for her age. I’ve met her, and I could totally see her being “ready” to have that level of independence, both with the bathroom and the car seat. When I compare her to Coop (adjusting for developmental stages, since he is Luna’s age, not her age) I realize that his personality is not where hers was at nearly-4, therefore I don’t think he could “handle” those levels of responsibility.
But I too weigh out risks…..and do what I think is right for my family. I let Coop play out in our yard, and watch him out our window. I started my kids kind of early on foods that many choke-a-phobes would have freaked out about (grapes, soy hot dogs) - but I knew the odds, have been trained in CPR (adult and baby) and only did it when I was present in the room.
I think letting our kids have independence is great b/c with that independence they are also more able to experience natural consequences, and learn from those consequences. I think that’s something a lot of kids don’t get enough of–consequences–b/c so many parents step in the way. It is hard as the parent to allow those consequences to happen sometimes, but in the long run it is better for the child.
In our household, DH is the voice of reality for me. As a chemical engineer his mind works much differently than mine and he can dissect a situation and look at it from an unemotional, more logical side than I often can. And I’m glad. We tend to balance each other out and this works well for our family.
I’m so totally on the same page as you. I tend to have friends with similar views, but this year B’s in a preschool class with a group of VERY overprotective parents. For example … if D’s asleep at drop-off time, I leave him in the locked car while I run B into her classroom. Most parents in the class find this horrifying. Once J turned 6, I have felt comfortable having her and B play in our yard without me out there. They know their boundaries, I know to watch them & check in frequently. I know *something* could happen but I also think their need for independence is great.
For some strange reason, I take comfort in the fact that we can never protect ourselves or our kids 100%, not in this lifetime. I have plenty of fears, just like everyone … a shooter in the classroom, etc, but honestly I don’t feel any one place is “safer” than another so I just let it go and try to live life. I want to instill that in my kids.
Anyway I’ve rambled & gone off post but I really totally agree with everything you said.