The Spacemom’s Guide to Disney Princesses February 28, 2008
Posted by spacemom in : Life...otherwise , trackbackLuna is big into the Princesses these days. Soleil is starting to lean towards Hannah Montana, so I know there is hope:
So here’s the Spacemom’s Guide to Disney Princesses
Let’s start with Cinderella, shall we:
- Girlfriend, you are one hell of a cook and cleaner. Not to mention that you are handy with a needle and thread. Have you ever considered owning your own business? Cinderella’s merry maidens House Cleaners? Or maybe Ella’s Crust of Bread bakery? Why on EARTH should you work for your hag of a stepmother and stepsisters? Have you ever considered checking your father’s will? Did you even retain a lawyer or did you just let that bitch of a stepmother be the executrix of the estate and let her put you to work? Honestly, you can make the cat and dog work together, you dress mice, but you can’t even look out for your own financial safety?
- And who the hell names a cat Lucifer anyway? Let’s name the dog Beelzebub while we’re at it.
- You have time to make clothes for mice, but you only own one work dress?
- Obviously you don’t get out much, but please, when you’re at a party, don’t hang with a guy all night without noticing that he’s the only one in a uniform that’s dancing. And ask the guy his name. At least then you have a name to call out instead of "oh yes! Man in red pants!"
- What’s with the red pants anyway?
- Glass slippers? WTF? Like you need glass shards in your feet when you trip.
- This whole fairy godmother thing. Instead of making a dress and carriage and all of that bull, why doesn’t she send you the number to a domestic violence hot line and get you the hell out of there? Hmm?
Sleeping Beauty
- Okay- Maleficent is powerful enough to put a huge curse on this baby, but can’t find her? Hello?
- What’s the deal with the singing?
- Brier Rose grows up healthy and strong. For 16 years the fairies take care of her. But then they go to the castle on the night of her 16th birthday? How incredibly STUPID! Come on, ladies, THINK! Just put it off one more day. Take her to her parents the next day! Poof! Nobody knows she’s the princess and the curse is avoided.
- If the fairies need to use their magic to make a dress and cake and clean up for Brier Rose, how did they survive before that? Take out? Nordstroms? What? Wait, they must have used Cinderella’s Merry Maidens for cleaning.
- Spinning wheel? What kind of curse is that?
- Why do the bad guys like to keep people around? Hey, Maleficent, just kill Prince Philip, okay? Don’t play stupid and keep him around forever, just off him and the curse will never be broken. Good grief, do we have to do all of the thinking for you?
- And what kind of lame thing was it to put briers around the castle?
- Couldn’t you have just eaten Prince Philip when you were the dragon? Sigh….
Snow White:
- Okay- Girl starts out with a blue bow and it becomes red when she is "a woman". My kids caught that. You’re a sick bastard, Walt.
- Honestly, this film has no socially redeeming value. The female character is weak, she begs to serve men in exchange for room and board. Sounds rather kinky to me.
- However, this film takes up almost 2 hours on a drive to Buffalo.
Beauty and The Beast:
- Belle is one of the stronger female characters in Disney. She reads, she doesn’t take shit from some stinking Gaston and she wants to get out of her village. Smart woman.
- But why is her mother dead? Does Disney really need to have single parents? Disney does Murphy Brown?
- As Anne Nahm mentioned, Stockholm Syndrome.
- I really like how Belle even stands up to the Beast. Although he really must smell. You know that scene when he saves her from the wolves and she saves him in return? Wet Dog smell is all I think.
- I also wonder what sort of acid Belle is on when she lives through "Be Our Guest". Personally? I’d be terrified to have forks doing synchronized swimming in the punch bowl.
- This film taught my children several new concepts, such as spitting contests, wrestling matches, male aggression and jealousy and decapitation.
- I would have preferred the Prince (we call him Prince Fred in our house) to have been a little more, well, ugly when he was human. Every one else turned into something they looked like. Not him.
- And whatever happened to his parents anyway? He’s been a Beast for 10 years, he’s turning 21, so he was alone as the master of the castle at 11? Hello?
The Little Mermaid:
- The phallic symbols in the beginning sequences of Atlantica are a pure genius tribute to Walt and his dirty old mind.
- Ariel is quite spoiled, headstrong and very rude. Although I know the attempt was to make a "typical teen" she is quite snotty.
- And her songs are not all that good.
- Ever notice how the song for the chef is similar to "be our guest" in Beauty and the Beast?
- I haven’t figured out the message of this film. Except that if you are deceptive to your family, and try to convince the man you love you are something that you aren’t you still get what you want? HM. Have to think about that one.
Aladdin:
- Ah, another somewhat strong princess. Unfortunately, this story is not hers, it is her groom to be’s story. However, despite her provocative clothing choices, Jasmine knows what she wants, and tries to get it. She’s another strong character, but stuck in a man’s world.
- But what I wouldn’t give for a body like that!
- The whole Rajah thing gives me images of Siegfried and Roy. And not they happy kind.
Mulan:
- Technically not a princess at all, not at any point of the story, but she’s included for merchandising reasons.
- Another strong female who doesn’t want to play by men’s rules.
- Eddy Murphy makes a better Donkey than Dragon
- Did anyone else thing that Cheng could have been a bit nicer after finding out she was a woman? Hello? She saved your LIFE!
- At least her father comes around at the end, And Cheng. Poor Walt must have been rolling in his grave!
Pocahontas:
- Again, included for merchandising, although she could qualify for a princess, sort of, maybe, if you feel that a chief’s daughter must be a princess.
- For the sake of a story, let’s completely change the historical facts
- Again, ONE PARENT! WTF????
- Talking trees freak me out. I don’t mind the animals, but the trees?
- After the past few years, I can’t see Mel Gibson as the same anymore. I remember the Mad Max days…mm mm old sane Mel…..
- Have you ever noticed that the bad guys are often fat? Let’s just reinforce negative body images for girls (also in Little Mermaid)
- Would have been a better movie if she cartwheeled naked for the Englishmen
Comments»
LMAO!!! that was priceless!
I’m mostly cleules about these…thank God.
I’m mostly clueless about these…thank God.
Boy, you *have* been watching a lot of princesses, haven’t you? I remember those days.
Also, I absolutely loathe Snow White. Everything from her high-pitched voice to her total helplessness makes me want to drop-kick her from the tallest tower in the castle. Good riddance!
Ha! Very funny! I always thought the same thing about Sleeping Beauty and the fairies taking her back to the castle ON her bithday. I mean, Malificent TOLD them exactly when she was gonna die! And The Little Mermaid–teaching our daughters that they should change themselves in order to get a man! Ugh! But my least fave princess in Snow White–her high pitched voice drives me INSANE and the ridiculous way she’s always got her hands up in the air, like she’s so dainty and helpless. Eww! Luckily, Mason is scared of the witch in that one so we don’t watch it much. Some of your observations hadn’t even occured to me…
Fortunately, my girl has no idea who Ariel or Sleeping Beauty even are, obsessing instead with The Land Before Time. Speaking of which….what is UP with kiddy movies always killing off the mother?! I didn’t even realize it happened in some of the movies you were talking about. Is this not the most devastating thing that could happen to a child and yet it happens at the start of dozens of Disney movies….something really twisted is going on there, I’m guessing Disney did not like his mother.
He he - that was funny! You know way more than any adult should know about princesses!
I may be jinxing myself but I suspect we will escape the pre-school years relatively princess-free. We have the books of some of the older stories and the new version of the Little Mermaid (must dig up the original of that when she’s a bit older and can stand the sad ending), but movies still scare Lily. She has watched all of Cinderella once, but we had to turn off Little Mermaid about 15 minutes in. We dont own any DVDs or any merchandise except a raincoat - and that cant annoy me too much!
I am cracking up Spacemom.
Hehe so funny!!!
LOL! Yes, Disney definitely had “single parent” issues!
I really, really, really love this post. Love it. Maybe a little too much. Heh.
Too funny!! I’ve learned so much…man, do you know a lot about princesses!! Much to my dismay, my 3 year old has caught princess fever…here’s how much I know about princesses…she taught me that one of the is named Aurora…sorry, forget which one!lol Sleeping Beauty’s name is Brier Rose?? I never knew that. That’s probably because French is my mother tongue and I read these books way back when in French where the names are of course different!lol
Julie
Great post!
I’m trying very hard to avoid Disney over here - way too many dead parents and bad messages for my comfort level.
Still didn’t stop M from deciding that she’s Cinderella tonight. She must have seen the movie at school, because I’ve never shown it to her.
Hilarious post. Help! My house has turned into Princess barf! I thought they’d never knock on our door. Having only watched “Cinder-bella”, I often wonder, wouldn’t the wicked Stepmom capitalize on Cinderella’s beauty knowing the Prince was so into her? Why lock her up when you can lock in a kick ass dowry? Because those big assed bio. daughters sure need some financial support.