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Head meet wall…. BAM! March 28, 2008

Posted by spacemom in : Current Affairs , add a comment

How to not get something done

  1. Call doctor’s office first thing to report I need more medicine
  2. Report calmly that I have only 1 days’ worth left
  3. Confirm which pharamacy
  4. wait until 4
  5. Call pharamacy, discover nothing has been entered
  6. Call doctor’s office. Discover no doctor that can authorize meds is in today
  7. Bang head into wall
  8. hope they have meds tonight or tomorrow. 

RE: The depression series March 28, 2008

Posted by spacemom in : Current Affairs, Depression , 3 comments

I am working through some issues with the depression. I am finding that it is very cathartic to write down what was going on and how I was feeling. I also hope that if someone else sees themselves through my prism, they may get help. I’ve closed the comments because I am not looking for pity. I am trying to figure out where the depression started and how I got through this incredibly difficult time.

I hope you don’t mind reading along. You are more than welcome to just skip these. I’ll keep the title going so you can skip them if they are boring.

If you do want to discuss anything, you can always email me….thespacemom at gmail DOT com
 

When did the rain start to fall?–Part 3 March 28, 2008

Posted by spacemom in : Depression , comments closed

 I had found myself withdrawing deeper into myself as time went on. We started to get smiles from Soleil and that helped. I would take her for walks in the mornings on the Minuteman Bike way. It helped to get out in the Summer/Fall air. I tried to get her in the Baby Bjorn. It took about 10 tries to get her to stop crying. I would get her in it, walk about 5 minutes and then take her out because she was miserable. Eventually, she stopped hating it. It just was so hard to get her to calm. The walks helped me because there was a world outside of my private hell. But winter was coming and soon I would need to return to work.

We traveled to Baltimore for a work meeting. I wasn’t officially back at work yet. A blowout had happened with the new boss. I was about to lose my office space and my plan of working 3 days 10 hours a day was getting axed because of the boss change. When we got on the plane, I realized I was having a panic attack. A full blown panic attack. I thought my heart would burst out of my chest. Soleil was wonderful on the flights. She sucked her pacifer and slept most of the time. I was the one losing it on the planes.

I started to review my mental state. We were house hunting. I was returning to work. we had a CHILD! And I was thinking darker and darker thoughts every day. I would review our wills and life insurance policies when Soleil was sleeping, to make sure that Jay would be able to handle life with her alone. I would think new and unexciting ways to leave the planet. The oppression in my head was unbearable.

One night, after feeding Soleil in the middle of the night, I just sat on the stairs and cried. Jay heard me and came out. I told him that I was going crazy. He said that I was just overwhelmed. I looked right at him and said, "No, I am really going insane. There is something wrong with me." He stayed with me that night until  I was ready to go to bed. In the morning, he arranged for me to see my endocrinologist. Maybe your thyroid is off…

I saw my endocrinologist within a week. I didn’t think of it at the time, but Jay must have insisted that he see me because it normally takes months to get an appointment. I explained my symptoms. I explained that I was "down". He asked how I was bonding. When I explained that it was not going well, he probed deeper. Was I getting enough sleep? Was she a good or poor sleeper? Had I ever gotten frustrated over her? Had I ever considered violence even if I wouldn’t act on it? He knew the right questions to ask. He arranged for someone in mental health to see me ASAP and had a nurse walk me over to the mental health office.  The road to wellville? Not really.

I started taking antidepressants. I started working again and managed to save both my office and my 3-10 work schedule. I started missing more days of work with small child illnesses. We purchased a house and sold another.  

I went through 4 different doctors before I found one who would deal with me as a person. One tried to associate past events with my depression. Another insisted on hypnosis, which I rejected. I found a doctor who specialized in post partum depression and I was turned away because of my insurance. I finally found someone in February. Soleil was now 7 months old.