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When did the rain begin to fall ?– part 5 April 2, 2008

Posted by spacemom in : Depression , comments closed

The alarm goes off at 6:51am. I snooze it. If Soleil is in bed with me, I ask her to snooze it because she is closer and I can barely move when she’s in bed with us. She goes to my side, Luna goes to Jay’s side. Their chosen parents. By 7:30am, I get out of bed, turn on Clifford (the Big Red Dog) and bring in the clothes that the girls picked out last night. They need to be dressed by the time I am out of the shower. I go into the master bath and start my daily routine.

There’s a bottle of little blue pills, to replace the T4 that my body has failed to make, hypothyroidism. Then the other bottle. The little blue and white capsules. I open the bottle and tap 3 into my hand. Some days, I just take them. Other days, I stare at them while I try to decide if I should take them or throw them out. I close my eyes and imagine the rages I fly into when I don’t take them. The scratches on my arms that I make when I realize how angry I get. I open my eyes and stare at the woman in the mirror. She looks so sad, so beaten. She doesn’t look as if she is old, but more as if she can’t deal with the weariness anymore. I hate that look. I take the pills.

If I miss them, at 2:30pm I get dizzy. By 4pm I can lose my temper with the smallest thing. I have vowed never to hit my children, but the days I forget to take those blue and white embodiments of euphoria, I get close. I have never hit them. I walk away grinding my teeth. My shoulders get tight. When the sun goes down on those nights, my mood shifts from anger to numb. I can’t believe how angry I got. The thoughts I had. I often have the words "I need to leave" go through my head. "Leave to where?" I don’t know.

I meet with my doctor this week. Tomorrow. I am starting to accept that this is me. I am clinically depressed. Post-partum depression was just one manifestation of this, but I have always been depressed. I need to accept that I need the medicine. That I need to exercise several times a week to keep my MIND healthy, not just my body. I need to find a way to like me on those days that I and me don’t get along. And this is how I will always be. This is not just a 1 year thing. Luna turns 4 in June. Soleil turns 6 in July. I’ve been actively fighting this for almost 6 years. Time to accept that this is me and I need to take it as part of me.