The other night, I was in bed, resting on Jay’s chest. I listened to his heart, his breathing and then I sighed.
He asked "what’s going on?".
And I said "I’m angry"
And I was. I was angry at depression. My depression is cyclic, often tied to my menstrual cycle, as it is with most women. As our chemicals bounce up and down, we see our depression coming towards us and disappear. When I see it coming towards me, I get ANGRY. Why do I have to get depressed? WHY?
I have a great family, a great life. WHY WHY WHY????
It is like watching a horror movie. You see the stupid thing that the person is about to do. You yell at them to stop! For the love of peanut butter and chocolate, STOP! But they do it anyway. That is what it feels like to me. I see the depression coming. I am furious that it exists, horrified that it is moving at me and I can’t move, yet I can’t stop it. I can’t turn away.
And then you find you can’t put the emotions into words. As hard as you try, you can’t do it.