Grinding away August 6, 2008
Posted by spacemom in : Life...otherwise , trackback( a follow up to yesterday)
I enjoyed my break in NC. Not from the kids (HA HA HA HA HA!), but from some of the other pressures I have in life. What pressures? Let’s see:
- work. I love my job. Love it. Love it Love it. The people I work with are fascinating. From the woman who works in the next office (Hi HG!) to my officemate to the crazy mission planners, it is so neat to learn about these people. I enjoy the work I do. It can be stressful, however. That make a huge pressure on me.
- Getting the kids to where they need to be and tracking everything. I am the keeper of information. I track everyone’s parties and appointments. I know when and where events happen. Even though I track it on the Google calendar, I am still the keeper of information. That is busy.
- House projects. I am the one who tracks when certain jobs are getting done on the house. When we do what. When our cleaner comes, when the landscapers come, when the paper gets paid, etc.
- Exercise. HA HA HA HA! Jay tries to get me to exercise everyday. Let’s just say that isn’t happening right now.
Personally, I found work somewhat fulfilling before I had kids, BUT… I also had started painting classes. I really enjoyed creating. I also enjoy baking (and eating) sweets. I love doing DIY projects at home. All of these things make up me. Not just the work, but the other parts. Now I find that I feel stuffed in a tiny box. A box that says "Nance is a part time mom and part time worker and a full time nothing". That box is hard to fit into. I still want to paint. I still enjoy baking. I have less time. I need adult companionship. I need friendships, but how to balance all of this? There are so many hours in the day.
As we approach fall 2010, I find things even more crazy. In September, 2010, Luna will go to first grade. She will be in school 5 days a week. I have been asked if I will stay part time at work. The implication is that I should go back full time. To be honest? I don’t want to go back full time. I like part time. I would love to be 3 days a week instead of 4 (although that is hard to do, so I doubt that will happen). I am planning to stay 4 days so I can take 1 day for Nance. That person who doesn’t fit in the box. I need to break from those parts of me that say "I am mom and I am on science operations" and say "I am me. This is what I want to do today."
The American Dream? Is it really to work full time and raise a family and save money and then what? Die? I want to explore. So far, we’ve saved a pretty nice chunk of change. We are saving for college and for retirement. I want to be able to explore the world and myself while I still can. I wonder what is the American Dream these days.
Comments»
I find myself struggling for balance. I had a mini-me breakdown not too long ago where I struggled with feeling like I’ve failed because I wasn’t able to maintain the pace I had been going at for so long, but that’s not really a job thing. It was more of an overall thing. I love to bake, cook, and play outside with Olivia. Right now I’m having to find another balance with working outside the home, some inside the home, being a parent, a wife and keeping our nutritional level from sinking to the dregs of nuggets and fries every day. I’m sure there really are some super moms, but I’m guessing more are like me - looking and praying for balance and the bottom of the laundry basket. I think I find myself struggling doubly hard knowing, that in a few short months, I’ll be the sole parent for a double digit time frame. Not that I’m the only one because I know I’m not, but I’m the only one who lives at my address with my immediate circumstances. I’ve praised single parents before and asked for blessings for those with multiple kidlets.
The American Dream…Not exactly sure what it is or if I’m on the way to achieving it. If you count the flat screen in the bedroom and the recently scrubbed trip to Disney, yes, I’m achieving it. I want to see stuff and do stuff, too. Will we ever? Possibly. Are we content with where we are? Content yes, but we’d like to do more. A lot of it lies within the choices we make and other lies within our circumstances. I guess it’s what we make of it and how we handle it is where our definition comes in. Maybe? Maybe not.
I honestly don’t know any of my contemporaries who doesn’t struggle with this. Does that make it any better? Probably not. I worked and worked in a pretty fulfilling career up until we left to meet our daughter. Then I quit cold turkey. What a shock. But now I do love it…being at home with my kids. Although there are so many day’s when I think things are a bit out of balance…and Mommy needs to seriously get off the cul-de-sac a bit more and speak to intelligent life force out there. My little one is going to more preschool this fall…and does it make me a bad mommy to think…ahhh just a few hours a week to chill a bit without being in hyper Mommy mode solving all the 6 and 2 year old’s worldly problems? Oh well, the truth is the truth.
Stay firm and keep some time for yourself. It makes for a better parent in my opinion.
I think you know I struggle with this on a daily basis….to the point where I’m at my breaking point. I hate hate hate my job. So I drop the girls off in the morning to go to a job I hate. I hear, “mommy turn around, i want to go home”. Rips my heart out. I come home with two over tired cranky girls…and my blood pressure goes thru the roof. I’m really not sure I can do this much longer.
This is not my american dream. I don’t even know if I have the patience to stay at home with them since I’ve been working since they were two month old. It’s sad.
However, in order to own my house and cars and do the things we want, we need two incomes. And what’s funny is that we still can’t afford to do some things we want to do.
It’s sad…..I’m sad.