Okay- Maybe sunny is too strong of a word. I am doing better. My doctor suggested taking 2 anti-anxiety pills to help me get to sleep and lo-and-behold, it worked. For the first time in 2 weeks, I’ve been able to sleep. I hope this will start me to accept that Yes, I will sleep again and YES I will not have to use medicine all of the time.
I find it very odd that when I fall into the spiral of depression, the pain is so real and dark. I can actually physically feel a pressure of sadness in my chest. I noticed that I am holding my back up straighter this week and that I actually so of care if my clothes look okay. The oddest thing of all, however, is that the emotions from the last two weeks, the thoughts, the pain, the horror story that my mind wrote for me, are all faded as if the breaking sunlight is washing them out. I remember parts of it and I remember I was in pain, but to actually say it felt like…like what? My memory is but a shadow of the actual emotions.
I am doing much better. I am NOT out of the woods. I WILL be diagnosed as clinically depressed my entire life. I WILL have to fight these demons and try not to let it affect those I love, even though I know it will affect them.
A conversation last night:
Soleil: Mom? You look tired. Is that why you’re going to bed now?
Me: Yeah, it’s part of my brain sick.
Soleil: The brain sick that you take medicines for?
Me: Yep. Remember, when I take my medicines, it makes my brain happier and not so sad and angry.
Soleil: I like you happier.
Me: Me too, babe. But the medicines that help my brain work right is making me stay up all night.
Soleil: (sitting up eagerly) Can I stay up with you?
Me: No babe, YOU have school tomorrow. I love you.
Of course, she came in at 10:15 and watched 30 minutes of Jurassic Fight Club with us. It is rated TV14, so we made her leave to her bed before the actual fight. But she did ask me why it was called Jurassic Fight club if the dinosaurs on last night where from the late Cretaceous period. I told her it sounded better than Dino Fight Club.
On a side note: my book has suffered a serious set back. I couldn’t write at all during the MDE so I am trying to figure out when I can write again….