Dear Pharmacutical companies,

Will you please stop making anti-depressants that make people gain weight, have trouble losing said weight and give them insomnia? Because those all kind of fuck with the whole "anti" part of anti-depressants.

Thanks, Nance

Dear Kitchen contractors:

I know we are geeks. That’s our job, to be geeks. We even call our children "nerdlings". But when we ask for special lighting for under our cabinets and it comes in two temperature colors, consider asking us before blindly ordering. Having 4000K lights when the rest of the kitchen are 2700K lights really looks weird. And yes, I am going to insist that you change them. Even though they cost an arm and a leg. Oh, and fix the leak in the new sink, will ya?

Thanks, Nance

Dear Hockey Gods,

What the hell do you have against me seeing the Sabres play this season? I mean seriously, they are in town TOMORROW. The game is during the day! I can go! EXCEPT that I would have to go alone because someone has to take Soleil to ice skating. And I don’t trust my teen sitters to do that. And I am so not going into the Boston Garden (okay, the new Boston Garden) cheering the Sabres alone. Not after that year when the drunk asshole tried to rip my Sabre jersey off and Jay almost broke his arm.

How about you just let me see one measly Sabre game this year? I have tickets in March. Or are you going to throw another snow storm at me?

Thanks, Nance

Dear Luna,

I love you and I will never stop telling you even when you move to Hawai’i and insist that you won’t answer your cellphone when I call to tell you I love you. But will you PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE stop placing your pee filled pull-up on my face in the morning? I just would prefer something more pleasant, like the smell of coffee, to wake up my senses. Thanks!

Love, Mom

Dear Soleil,

I am thrilled that you are growing up in a more culturally diverse and sensitive life style than I ever was. But I cannot make your hair look like Christina’s. First, she is African-American. Her hair is a completely different texture than yours. It can hold all of those tiny braids so much better than your fine silky brown hair. Secondly, you can’t sit still anyway, so how the hell am I supposed to braid your hair when you keep moving? Let’s stick to one or two braids, Okay?
Love, Mom