Right now, I can only envision some warm tropical island. On this island, is me. In a chaise with a one piece suit, resting my body while listening to the waves gently rolling on shore.
Seriously, I have very little time to write these days. I feel torn by the work I have, the life I live, the kids, and what I really want to do. My office mate officially accepted another job last week. This means we need to replace him. Our 4 person team will be down to 3 and it will be tight going for a bit. To be honest, this has stressed me in ways that I didn’t realize until I wrote this sentence. I have been suffering from anxiety attacks for a few days. It’s been difficult. Tonight, I planned on going to the gym, but I have an upset stomach. I will go tomorrow and do a longer workout.
I really love the work I do even though it often feels like quicksand. And with J leaving, it will be even more running on ice. I don’t blame him. He is a new dad. The workload is high and being on call 24/7 for a week out of every 3 to 4 weeks is tough. It is very hard to be expected to carry your laptop everywhere and to be able to jump on line at a minute’s notice.
I also had a visit this past weekend from some friends. The wife complained about how unbearable her husband had gotten lately. She told me he was being suicidal. That he was withdrawn from the family. Things that all sound familiar.
I found an in during our dinner conversation to bring up my depression. Jay had picked up what was going on and joined in. After dinner, the husband asked me about medication. If I felt it was worth it. I replied that "it sounds odd, but it lifted a fog I was in. Fog isn’t quite the right word. It was the horrible feeling of what an asshole I was to be feeling like shit when I had all of these wonderful things around me." He said "I get it. I am there now."
I wish I could do more. I have offered him what I can… the understanding that he is not alone. That someone out there understands what he is feeling and that it can be better.
Meanwhile, he doesn’t even know that I am undergoing daily panic attacks over a co-worker leaving. He said I didn’t look like I ever had depression. I replied that I hide it well. And I do. In person, I hide it well.
Here, in words, I can let the dark gaping hole of my personal hell open, and let out the emotions, so those who know me, can never see them.