Happy Birthday Luna!

You were born during a baseball game.

You decided to come on the 24th, as opposed to the 23rd which everyone else in the family has a birthday on.

You came out quiet as a mouse, scaring me half to death.

You worried me from early on with low progesterone in the first days and the crazy days in May when I was in the triage room getting shots of terbutaline and the nurses trying to be quiet about steroid shots.

But you waited and now you are 5.

 

Happy Birthday my crazy girl. I love you!

It’s the little things

We’re in the Metro Cleveland area visiting family. The first day started at 4 am and ended around 11. We’re all fried, but having fun.

The girls are running off to the neighbor’s house and playing with the 10 year old next door. It’s a little weird having the kids just off on their own.

I have had to do a few work things, but my boss jumped in and commented that we are too thin. That helped.

Whenever I am away from from the girls (like when they went swimming and I worked out at the community center), and they see me. The smiles. Oh the smiles. It melts my heart how happy they are to see me again.

It’s the little things that matter. A little word of comfort on the job, the smiles, the peanut butter ice cream sundae I had tonight.

Mean girls and reminders of the past.

I am currently reading a book called "Odd Girl Out". It’s about a woman who decided to explore why girls are so aggressive towards each other. What she has learned is that where boys will beat on each other and move on, girls have learned to be less forward and will use emotional daggers instead of physical blows. The girls can suffer from the emotional scars of these relationships more than people think. The author explains this is a form of bullying, but school administrators often consider it to be "girls being girls".

This book reminds me alot of my childhood. Friends who would say they were not your friends, girls suddenly ignore you and you don’t know why. The cliques are bad enough, but when your own friends are mean, you don’t know what to do.

I wish there was a way to get away from this for my girls, but I see no way around it. I see this in women, not so much in men. The women I work with can be petty, unkind and very hard to deal with in general. A snub to their team is a snub to them. I find this odd. Shouldn’t an issue between two people be between two people?

I can’t really stop this from happening, but I can see that my girls are going to have to experience this and live on…I can only hope I can talk them through this.
 

I have an idea…

Right now, I can only envision some warm tropical island. On this island, is me. In a chaise with a one piece suit, resting my body while listening to the waves gently rolling on shore.

Seriously, I have very little time to write these days. I feel torn by the work I have, the life I live, the kids, and what I really want to do. My office mate officially accepted another job last week. This means we need to replace him. Our 4 person team will be down to 3 and it will be tight going for a bit. To be honest, this has stressed me in ways that I didn’t realize until I wrote this sentence. I have been suffering from anxiety attacks for a few days. It’s been difficult. Tonight, I planned on going to the gym, but I have an upset stomach. I will go tomorrow and do a longer workout.

I really love the work I do even though it often feels like quicksand. And with J leaving, it will be even more running on ice.  I don’t blame him. He is a new dad. The workload is high and being on call 24/7 for a week out of every 3 to 4 weeks is tough. It is very hard to be expected to carry your laptop everywhere and to be able to jump on line at a minute’s notice.

I also had a visit this past weekend from some friends. The wife complained about how unbearable her husband had gotten lately. She told me he was being suicidal. That he was withdrawn from the family. Things that all sound familiar.

I found an in during our dinner conversation to bring up my depression. Jay had picked up what was going on and joined in. After dinner, the husband asked me about medication. If I felt it was worth it. I replied that "it sounds odd, but it lifted a fog I was in. Fog isn’t quite the right word. It was the horrible feeling of what an asshole I was to be feeling like shit when I had all of these wonderful things around me." He said "I get it. I am there now."

I wish I could do more. I have offered him what I can… the understanding that he is not alone. That someone out there understands what he is feeling and that it can be better.

Meanwhile, he doesn’t even know that I am undergoing daily panic attacks over a co-worker leaving. He said I didn’t look like I ever had depression. I replied that I hide it well. And I do. In person, I hide it well.

Here, in words, I can let the dark gaping hole of my personal hell open, and let out the emotions, so those who know me, can never see them.
 

When you least expect it…it pours

Wow, life has been crazy lately. I realize I am WAY behind in blog reading. I still can’t comment on some blogs (yes, I am talking to ANY blogspot person who has the pop-up verification. Has to do with the system I am running on). 

So I have many things to blog about and not sure what to hit. Why not vote?

  1. The assassination of Dr. Tiller. My thoughts about the whole abortion debate. This may not be a fun post, but I have strong feelings on it.
  2. The perfect parenting situation: how do we achieve it? What is the right way to do things? Who the hell cares?
  3. Birthday parties for kids, or why I open my house to 25+ kids twice a year (and yes, it may have to do with the word insane)
  4. military suicides. Why are we having more? What is the army doing to help?
  5. being really sad does not mean you are depressed.
  6. Experimenting on children, I mean experimenting WITH children. 🙂
  7. Talking sex with children
  8. my S&M relationship with my personal trainer

 

So what are you interested in? I could write on all of those if I had the time, but I don’t have the time, so please chose!

She’s no Tanya Harding or Nancy Kerigan…

She only had one crying fit before we left. I think she was nervous. I brushed her hair and put it in a bun. She and Jay went off to the ice rink for early check-in. Soleil and I followed. When we got to the rink, she was being taken to the player’s bench with her coach. She was chewing the sleeve of her jacket, another nervous habit. There was a short warm up time and she did her skills, warming up.

Then it started. She was called first and did her skills. The 2 foot glide, forward and backward swizzles, and all sorts of other moves that I have no clue what they are called.

 

 

She did her best and wasn’t shaky at all. When she finished, she did trip over the blue line, but she shook it off, got her jacket on and watched the other kid at her level.

 

 

We took her outside to warm up. Then to Dunkin’ Donuts for a treat (and for me to have coffee).

And when we got back, she got her "gold" medal for first place!

 

Conversations with an gynocologist

Today I had my first annual checkup in two years. Shut up. I know. The front desk was being a pain in the ass, and I talked to Dr. W about this and she told me to leave a message for her in the future and she will put me in an emergency slot because she has too many emergency slots and not enough real slots.

While we were doing the PAP, we were chatting about the kids. She asked "So who rules the roost? Luna or Soleil?" I snorted, "me! Mom rules this house. You piss off mom, you’ve got trouble!" She couldn’t stop laughing. She said she was proud of me because most parents say they can’t control one of their kids.

She sent me for blood work and the woman there was so kind that she gave me two Tinkerbell stickers. They are for the girls, but screw it. My facebook friends say I can keep them.

While I was waiting, I saw at least 3 couples who were waiting for Dr. N, the fertility doc. I wanted to run up to them and say "He’s the best! He stuck with me until I had my baby! Even though he was afraid I would lose her, he kept me going!"

But I didn’t….sigh