I am so stealing this from Johnny, so here’s my blog bio
My Blog Bio:
I have gotten afraid to open my google reader.
I have not been a very good blogger as of late. A few weeks ago, my boss saw me surfing during compile/run time of a long code and he chided me about using work time for personal stuff (never mind that I was actually working and I didn’t have the mental multitasking to do two large tasks at the same time).
So, I haven’t been reading blogs. And then at night, I don’t have much time. Add to that my frustration over my weight gain, thyroid going psycho (which caused a), Luna having control issues (major 40 minute meltdown this morning in which she ALMOST lost the ability to go Trick-or-Treat), Soleil debating if hugs and kisses are embaressing because she’s heard from older kids that it is… UGH! When can I find the time?
So I don’t. And I can envision a particular blogger in the great state of Texas shaking his head that I never stop by any more. It’s not just you! I am ignoring everyone. If it wasn’t for facebook, I would be an Internet AWOL.
My apologies to all. I am working on sorting out my priorities. I need to. I need to be cleared as healthy from my thyroid doctor before I can lose this weight. I need to lose the weight to be healthier. I need my kids to be a wee bit more realistic and I need my boss to get a healthy dose of reality as well.
Whew. Any bets on when this all will happen?
Our lives are a combination of decisions and luck. In the United States, we are lucky to have been born here. Even if we are born into poverty, we have chances to move forward, there are limited support nets and we can try to use them. We may be born into a wealthy family and have more opportunities from the beginning. We may be born into an emotionally stable family, which sets us up for a warm and caring childhood and adulthood. You may be born with a life long disease, you may be born with a mental disease. These things are luck.
And then there are the decisions. We often think that we have decision trees, but they tend to be bushes or brambles more than trees. Decisions can come back upon themselves and we can’t always see a clear pathway from one decision to another. These are far more complicated than just "oh I shouldn’t have done that". Right now, I am in the Boston area. I could have been in Germany if the job offer to Jay for here hadn’t come through. Or perhaps Flagstaff if the Naval Observatory had the money to hire Jay the year he was looking for jobs.
A whole other set of decisions are made during our lives when we started a family. We waited for the launch of Chandra before even trying to have a child. The logistics of two scientists on the same project and trying to be pregnant were too difficult to work on. But eventually, the OAC (orbital activation checkout) was complete and life moved forward and we started trying to conceive. By 2001, I had become very discouraged and we were seeing a doctor. I was open in the fact that we were having difficulties with having a child. I got pregnant once, only to lose that pregnancy. I then went months with pain, emotional and physical, while trying to not make sex a programmed item.
While during this process, I met a great deal of women who were in similar situation. We held our breath together for each other and offered shoulders to cry on when our menses started each lunar cycle. Somewhere in early 2001, Jay and I were awoken by a phone call.
Being early morning, we answered in case it was a problem with a family member.
"Nance? Hi! Sorry to wake you. I need to talk to you"
"that’s okay, is everyone alright?" I yawned to my friend.
"well, I have some news, but I am not sure how you feel about it"
My stomach sank. I was sure she was going to announce a pregnancy. She had an earlier pregnancy that had also miscarried, so I was sure that was what this call was about.
"um, okay- shoot"
"I know you and Jay have been trying for a child. I know this is a tough thing, but my good news is that I have a person who just gave birth to a baby boy this morning. Would you like to adopt him?"
I think there was a brief moment when the entire world stopped spinning. Or perhaps the bed itself started spinning. I immediately thought of the room we were planning on being the baby room. I thought of what we would need to buy to have a baby in the house. What would we need to suddenly go from childless couple to parents. What would happen if the child was reclaimed by the birth mother, as a close friend had happened after 44 days.
"Nance? Are you still there?"
I looked over to Jay and he raised a quizzical eyebrow. I took a deep breath.
"Yeah, listen. We haven’t gotten off the infertility road yet." My heart was breaking. "We haven’t exhausted what we are willing to do" I think I had some tears at this point."We aren’t ready to look at adoption yet. I still want to try to have a child that is from us." How stupid does that sound? A parent is a parent no matter how their child comes to them "I’m sorry. I don’t think we can do this"
"Hey, that’s okay. I just figured that before they turn to an agency, to ask you. I know how badly you want a kid"
I think we had a few formalities and then we hung up. I snuggled into Jay’s chest and cried. The truth of the matter was simple. We were still working on getting me pregnant. We were still working on what was causing our "unexplained" infertility. I just wasn’t mentally, emotionally or intellectually prepared to jump off of that branch and onto the parenting branch at 6am in the morning with limited discussions.
It’s not that Jay and I hadn’t discussed adoption. Our plan was 2 children. Jay was leaning towards 3, but my depression changed that. We had the luxury of having IVF and other ART treatments covered by insurance and damn us if we weren’t going to use them. But if that failed…we had started talking of adoption. Jay’s religion and culture was important to him, so important that I agreed to put it in our Kettubah that we would raise our children Jewish. He wasn’t to go through a Jewish adoption agency. That’s all the info and planning we had. If IVF failed, we would mourn that stage and move onto adoption.
One call, one morning and we could have changed the entire course of our lives. Maybe I would have not tried to get pregnant anymore. Since the pregnancies caused my depression to explode, maybe I wouldn’t be fighting my demons.
But then… I wouldn’t have Soleil who was conceived on October 31, 2001, born July 23, 2002. (Hey, it was an IUI and I was pretty ill that day, so I stayed home to hand out candy early!)
And we wouldn’t have Luna. At least not this Luna.
The decisions we make…the reasons, sometimes they are worth it in the end. I wouldn’t trade my girls for my depression. They are part and parcel.
Sorry about the blogging absence. I’ve been very busy and/or sick and/or dealing with parental issues.
So here’s a quick post in bullet form:
I wish I could pigeon hole some time to post. I will try this week, but life is crazy, Ain’t it a bitch?
I spent the weekend with my sister and niece here in Boston. Unfortuantly, I was fighting a cold at the time. Tuesday, the cold really got me, so yesterday, I decided to stay home from work. I helped get the kids moving and then climbed back into bed around 8:40am. I woke up again at 12:30, rolled over and finally climbed out of bed at 2:15. I am feeling much better today, so I guess I really needed the sleep. I knew I was pushing myself over the weekend, but I didn’t think I really needed that much.
The H1N1 is starting to go around town again. My co leader’s family all came down with it, and several other families in town have had it. I am waiting for our peds to have the vaccination in shot form. Due to Jay’s crohn’s disease, we can’t have the flu mist. The pediatricians office only has the H1N1 mist. Sigh.
I am continuing on my destressing project. This week has not been good as I have scheduled two meetings and attending two meetings and have a girl Scout meeting to run. I have been overwelmed with mom guilt because Soleil is afraid to have me kiss her. She doesn’t want to catch my cold. On one hand, that is smart, but on the other hand, I feel so left out. I need to sit with her and work on her reading. She’s been blowing through her large words at school. It’s not a matter of not knowing, it is the idea that she can’t go slow. She has to move move move. And I am like that too. But she needs to learn how to read carefully and learn how to deal with new words.
Maybe tonight when I get home from another meeting I can help her… We’ll see.
A very long cold, may I add. I am running myself down by doing the worst thing possible: being awake. I took a 4 hour nap yesterday after my sister and neice left. They were kind enough to visit for the long weekend. We did the Boston touristy stuff and then the Lexington-Concord touristy stuff (note to visitors: it is pronounced Conquered. Not Con-cord Sheesh. Next thing you know they’ll be calling the town of Peabody "pea-body" instead of the true name "pee-ba-dee"). We had a great weekend and then watched Luna do her ice skating and a little free skate before they left.
We gave the girls a Columbus Day treat of McDonald’s (Hey kids! Let’s celebrate Columbus wiping out the native population with smallpox and introducing slavery to the Americas by eating at McDonald’s! Yea Mom, you’re the best!). And then I promptly climbed into bed and passed out until 5:30pm. I’ve been fighting this damn cold since last Tuesday. I have not fevered nor have I had any flu symptoms. So, no swine flu, but I am seriously considering taking tomorrow off!
I have a question: How much should you let your child do? This is serious. Luna likes to ice skate. Alot. She skates for lessons every Monday. Her coach wants her to do another competion in January, but a free skate where you do certain elements do a song. Luna is all excited about this. Her coach also said that she is an above average skater and would do well to have 2 lessons a week. We know there is ice time at 6-8 am. School starts at 9, so if her coach wants, we could do an extra day a week at the rink before school. I don’t want to push her. I honestly don’t know where this is going. Will she be a recreational skater? Will she train and be a competitor? I really don’t know
What would you do? She really wants this. She really just turned five in late June. I don’t want to push her, I don’t want to crush her dreams.
Help.
In other news, Soleil has a skills evaluation for inhouse hockey on Saturday. At 6am. I have already told Jay he is taking her.
So this was a very busy week and I didn’t get much done blogwise. I did alot otherwise, like being sick (a cold), being shot (allergies) and other fun things.
Getting shot? Que Pasa? Yes, for the love of my children, I have gotten allergy tested. The I started the shots two weeks ago. I am getting 4 shots, every week for a while. So Tuesdays, I dutifully go to the doctor, Present my arms, and get a shot for cat allergies, dog allergies, and in the other arm, I get mold and mites, and then trees and grasses. Lovely, eh?
The first week was really itchy, but this week wasn’t that bad. So I suspect that we will bring up the dose this week!
Do you think we’ll have a dog in another year or two?
It’s starting to sound like all I do is complain here lately. My favorite stalker would tell me that is all I ever do, complain, but nevermind her.
I had a great day with Luna yesterday. We’ve been working on Mom days. Where I play Mom. Occassionally I do some astro work, but mostly, I put the crackberry away and just hang. We played Uno yesterday (Hannah Montana Uno because the unlisenced character Uno isn’t cool enough). I really enjoyed yesterday. We got some errands run, we bought a book (an abridged copy of Black Beauty) and went to the bank (lollipop alert). She ice skated for 2 hours (she stayed for public skate) and we had McDonald’s…
It was a fun day. I really enjoyed it.
In the frustrations of life, trying to get everything done, trying to stay healthy(STUPID thyroid), I sometimes forget that one of my best roles, is just Mom.
Do you see a theme here? I certainly do.
A friend of mine (I consider her an IRL friend even though we’ve only met once. We’ve been cyber friends forever), mentioned that I am asking to distress, but not doing it. And she is right. This has lead me to stop and have an introspective of stress. What are my stresses?
I am usually my worst enemy when it comes to stress. I push myself and push myself. I never like to sit and relax. I need to move and move and move. Hell, even now I need to type while watching a hockey game. I am also a perfectionist. I need to get things just perfect. Imagine how I felt today when I let Soleil shape the loaf of bread that I was making. A year ago, I would have been hyperventilating!
So here’s my analysis:
So now I need to work on reducing this stress. For right now? I am going to close the computer, my eyes and rest and listen to the TV.
Dear RemDawg,
I was at the Red Sox game last night. I was actually there to watch the Cleveland Indians with my husband, but as you saw, the Indians suck and the Red Sox are getting ready for the playoffs. We both knew who would win. We left Fenway by the stairs at Gate A, you know those stairs, at the intersection of Yawkey Way and Brookline Ave? A large, black SUV was approaching the temporary gates coming from Yawkey Way. Th policeman let us cross, then he moved the gate. I didn’t expect it, but I looked over and saw you driving the SUV. I lifted my hand in a wave and you repeated my actions. Not a big "hiya" wave, but a simple hand raise. What got me were your eyes.
Jerry, I have seen that look before. That one were you look like a deer caught in the headlights, but you are too exhausted to care about the oncoming car. You see, I too have depression. I also have days I can’t get out of bed. I am so overwelmed that you came out to the public to announce this as the reason for your prolonged absence. I am thrilled that you have the energy to come out to Fenway and announce for the home games. No, you are not back to the days when you and Don Orsillo would have the "Inane Banter Warning" flashing on the screen, but you are making it out to the ball park and that is a huge step.
Your eyes told me last night just how hard this is for you. You put on a public persona for the game, and then go back home with that hole in your chest and heart and wonder why anyone would care about you. You wonder what the point of anything is. You want to hide in your own world and not have to think because simply being in existence can be too painful.
I just want you to know that last night, I saw the real Remy. And I know that look. And I can tell you that there will be better days. There will also be bad days, and days where you hide away or weeks even. But you will be able to travel with the team again, you will be able to relax again and the hole will get smaller.
You are not alone.
Spacemom