Yep, you read that right. I suck as a parent.
In October, I was going through that breathing issues crap. At the same point, we were trying to get Luna into more ice skating lessons. She was planning to meet with a coach on Tuesday afternoons, after school. Suddenly, I realized we needed more than the school after care. I managed to hire an afterschool sitter/driver.
Our interview was the day after I had the anaphylatic reaction to contrast dye. I was very wiped out and resting on our couch. It was also the start of Snowtober. She was prompt, as her references indicated she would be, and she was a tad older than I expected. I would say she was in her late 50s. She was very polite and straight forward. C had raised 5 children, one who was premature and had learning disabilities, and was looking for this sort of part time work. She had firm expectations on the kids. I was concerned about her being too firm, so we tried to lay out a good routine.
From the start, both girls challenged her. There have been days when I find out that Soleil totally ignored her and left trash on the ground just to see what C would do. This is behavior that I don’t condone, but I think we may have contributed.
You see, I was raised in a Christian household. Dr. Jay was raised in a Jewish household. Okay, no big deal, right? Well, no. Christians are raised to believe. You follow the rules. You listen to authority, especially the big guy. You don’t question what the Bible teaches, you adapt your life to Christianity. Judaism? Well now, that is different. Some Jewish heroes question G-d. By questioning, you learn. Don’t follow blindly. Read and interpret the Torah. Take a Torah reading and 3 Jews and you have 3 different interpretations. Question, think, reason, fit. Very different.
We are raising our girls to think, question and reason. I am trying very hard to instill respect. Really really really. I was recently visiting another blogger. I made a comment about respectful arguing. The daughter looked at me and asked how you do that. So I explained that just because a rule is there by us, the parents, we do allow the girls to respectfully argue the rule. An example would be “No feet on the table”. Soleil’s arguments have been, “Mom, I am much more comfortable with putting my feet up when I eat” My argument back is “Soleil, feet pick up a ton of germs, some kids (LUNA’s) feet smell, and it is not socially acceptable to put your feet on the table.” I enforce the rule, but I explain it. The daughter stopped and thought about this. When her mom told her to not put her feet on the chair, the first reaction was a whine. Then the daughter stopped and said “Wait, I’m going to argue nicely. Mom, I like my feet on the chair. Can I stay this way?” Her mom laughed and said no because it could ruin the chair, but then we both praised her for not just whining, but instead thinking through the problem. I am not sure my friend appreciated my view, because authority starts to diminish with questioning.
We allow questioning. Our parents claim “everything is a negotiation.” Our response is “No, when they try to negotiate, the answer can be no, you do it our way.” I find many adults find questioning authority to be disrespectful. I don’t. I feel you can respectfully question authority. You need to question the request or order, not the person. When you get the explanation, you can’t answer with “that’s stupid” and you do need to stop and follow through if the person says so. We’ve done this multiple times with the girls. It’s hard and not consistent. It means that sometimes you change your mind and other times you need to say no.
I got an email from our sitter last night. The line that hurt was from her about the girls:
I am not viewed as an authority figure – at best, I am viewed as a peer – at worst, I am viewed as a servant.
Dr. Jay reminded me that C is quite old school and would assume any questioning of authority is an affront, but still, it hurt and my parenting feels questioned.
This is why I suck as a parent. It’s hard to raise our children to think and question, yet be respectful at the same time. I need to work on the respect more. Part of this is also school. We’ve had a rough year with Soleil in school with respecting her teacher. This is just further evidence that we need to stress respect.
How do you teach respect in your house?
Sigh. I’m not sure. I think we’re raising a snotty spoiled brat, frankly. We had a year with a therapist who ended up being more of a parental coach, and it work3ed wonders. But now we’re in a new place, our practice has fallen by the wayside, and we’re back to whining and crying and not listening and being, in general, a pill.
So I have absolutely no good advice.
I just got a call from Luna’s skating coach (the one that pushes harder) and found out that Luna walked off the rink yesterday. OMG. SO PISSED AT LUNA RIGHT NOW!
Sigh… My 9 year old is also a pill. I am trying to blame the age, but I start worrying that it is me instead.
I think you are being way too hard on yourself. Why did Luna walk off the rink? What drove S to pull a stunt like the garbage on the ground? They both must have been in a pretty bad place to react that way. Is the babysitter respectful to S and L? Too often I find those who most demand “obedience” from kids (which they equate with respect) don’t tend to treat kids with respect. You get what you give, IMO.
Kids have such limited experience and vocabulary with which to express what is really going on for them inside. Like how the 5 year old calls everything “stupid!” because he lacks the ability to read into himself and see that he is frustrated, bored, offended, uncomfortable, anxious…and even if he could figure that out he lacks the vocabulary to express it appropriately. So everything comes out as “that’s stupid!”.
IME kids react pretty honestly to people. Maybe this sitter is just not sitting right with them. Maybe she is too bossy, too domineering, or has not taken time to try and develop a relationship with the girls in a way they can relate to. I also teach my kids that its okay to feel the way they do but that respectfully expressing themselves is the way to go. It’s a hard lesson! They aren’t going to do it right every time, and the more strongly they feel the less likely it is they will take the time to choose their words and actions carefully.
Instead of focussing on the girls’ behaviour and reactions, I’d be wanting to know what underlay those actions and behaviours. Once the problem(s) are identified and potential solutions discussed with the girls, then it’s time for a friendly reminder of respectful ways to say “I don’t like the way you just spoke to me right now” or “I’m feeling anxious about what you just asked me to do” or “When you said that it felt bad inside”, etc.
What concerns me more than hearing how the girls behaved is what would drive them to those behaviours in the first place?
But don’t blame yourself!!
I know that Soleil likes to see what people’s reactions are. She even admitted that when we confronted her about the garbage. She just wanted to see how C would react. Well, not terribly well, did she? UGH.
As for Luna, we talked tonight and I think it was a misunderstanding between her and her coach. You know when your own child is lying (usually) and she was totally confused about leaving the ice early. Sigh…But she does things in an aloof manner, so I can see the coach’s side. We’re going to meet with both coaches about things, to help Luna.
I am having coffee with our sitter next Monday so we can talk about things. The whole situation has been a little crazy where we haven’t had much time for reflection and discussion without kids. I think just sitting down and talking will help.
THis is my place to get it all out. Right now, that’s what I need to do.
You don’t suck. You have a parenting issue that does not mean you’re a failure. I like how you and Dr. Jay have decided to not be dictators. I don’t have enough experience to provide much feedback, but I like what Freelearners said.
I find it funny that I disagree with your description of Judaism as i see it on a daily basis. Your described Jews do exist, but I have too much involvement with super-Orthodox Jews who believe there is only one way – their way. Do not question or you’ll be labelled a sinful, rebellious freethinker. They *are* expected to follow their leaders blindly. They cannot think for themselves at all. This isn’t where Judaism is supposed to be, at all, at all.
I’ll keep the respectful arguing concept in mind for when PD can talk back a bit more
. I do find myself explaining *why* I’m saying no, even though he’s only two.
I was thinking about this this morning and I think you are being too hard on yourself. You are trying to teach your children how to think for themselves and question things that may or may not seem right to them. How can that be wrong?
I think children like to test, you said it yourself. They push buttons of those around them to see how far they can go. My girls do it too. There are days when I think I’m raising complete brats.
I’d say you suck as a parent if you didn’t care about their behavior and if the email from the sitter didn’t make you flinch. However, I know how it has affected you and therefore, I think you are a fantastic parent b/c you are concerned and looking for ways to make things better for everyone involved.
I do not think you are a bad parent.
I think it’s important to teach the difference between earned and granted respect. The relationship between you and your daughters sounds like a model for teaching earned respect: questions, discourse, reasoning. But a babysitter, who is only present for part of your kids’ lives, doesn’t have that same relationship. My personal take is that all adults are granted respect by my kids, period. Any issues they have with other adults they bring up with me and I will help them negotiate the interaction. Within our family we can argue and test boundaries, but outside our family the rule are going to be different and there will be aero tolerance for rudeness or disrespect. I want my kids to know that we parents choose the teachers, caregivers, coaches, doctors etc for them and have decided that they deserve respect, that is the starting point.
As for the “getting a reaction” aspect, I totally get that, but again I think that’s a behavior that needs boundaries. Honestly, leaving garbage on the floor is not a social experiment, it’s rude, period. Ther line in the sand between valid experimentation and bad behavior is tricky, and this certainly sounds like a teachable moment. Would she like someone to dump garbage in her room and see how she reacted? How would that feel? How does it feel to know that you hurt someone’s feelings? Plenty of room for discussion on that one.
Good luck, this parenting gig is tough.
As for the religion thing, what about the Old Testament smoting God? Doesn’t He strike down those who are behaving badly? Being judged in your own lifetime and all that?
Just so people don’t misunderstand, we *do* deal with bad behaviors.
The incidents discussed in this post were all discussed and in some cases a significant consequence was assigned. In NO way does questioning authority give the girls the right to disrespect authority.
Also: I did not mean to offend anyone on the religion, it is my person view based on my personal experiences being raised Christian, turning atheist and raising 2 Jewish girls.
I wish my oldest was able to formulate her thougths into questions during disagreements. all I get is whining and whyyyyyyy. I can see the wheels spinning in her head and the questions, but she is unable to get her questions out. My little one on the other hand drives a hard bargain and is the master of questioning. She would probably convince me that we all should eat with our feet on the table to keep the floor cleaner.