Author Archives: spacemom

About spacemom

My name is Nance. I have two girls and I work on the science operations team for a NASA satellite. I write about my kids, life, and my battles with depression here.

The One About the Boston Marathon

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I suppose this one should start with the now obvious fact: I am from Boston. I used to not be. I grew up in Western New York, near Buffalo. That was my home. It still is in some ways, but in 1996, I moved to the Greater Boston Area.

In Massachusetts, April 19 is a holiday. It is called Patriots’ Day. (or is it Patriot’s Day?) On the week with April 19, the Monday is Patriots’ Day and the running of the Boston Marathon. This is the anniversary of the start of the Revolutionary War. In the sensible move, the schools are closed the week of Patriots’ Day. We took this week in Cleveland to visit family.

We were taking the dog to a dog park with the girls when Dr. Jay pulled me aside. “There were explosions at the Marathon”. That’s all we knew. I went to Facebook and asked my friends for more info. They quickly got me up to date while Dr. Jay found the streaming radio from Boston. The news was horrific. The radio reported bodies ripped apart. Numerous severed limbs. Blood everywhere. Deaths were certain. I was torn. I needed to know.

While we were at the dog park, we continued to listen. Then we both remembered that our graduate school advisor; we had the same person, was running that day. Last year, he had a hamstring injury and when the day ended up being almost 90 degrees, he happily took the deferment to run this year instead. We did the math. He would be crossing within 10-15 of the explosions.

As a recent runner, I couldn’t help but think of the two recent races I have done. The finish line is crazy and a mess. There are people everywhere and as a runner, you are dazed and just trying to find some way to keep moving towards family. For people like me, the anxiety of being surrounded by so many people can choke you. Then add an explosion, and another.

The week was not relaxing. I felt ill all of the time. I needed more and more information. We did many things including hiking just to be away from the news. Thursday night, I was awoken at 2 am by a daughter who needed me to sleep with her. I ended up sleeping downstairs with the girls. At 6 am, Dr. Jay came down to give me my medicine (I always take it at 6am). When he woke me at 7:30, he let me know that the cell phones had been going since 6:20. His work closed, my work went on high alert, calls kept going through for different alerts. The suspect was loose in Watertown. This is where many of my friends live. I checked and they had been alerted at 2am by the police to stay indoors. They were doing well and a bit nervous.

We drove home Friday, constantly checking the news, checking with friends, checking with the streaming radio… we found out about the relaxing of the shelter in place, one friend went outside on his deck, only to hear gunshots and explosions. We found about the boat, the stories of the man trapped there. Within 30 minutes from home, he was captured. We weren’t sure if he was dead or alive. We had no idea until about 10 minutes from home.

The return was odd. This was a crazy week. I work in a place that is managed by MIT. We lost one of our own this week. An 8 year old boy died. Luna is 8. BU lost a mathematician. Arlington lost a native daughter. Families are torn with injuries and death. I need answers. Why the Marathon? Why Boston? Was it simply that the brothers lived in Cambridge? Why runners? We run for ourselves. We are in some sense very selfish that way. We run for the challenge, the open air. We don’t run for politics.

I don’t know where I sit with this week. I am sad and upset about West, Texas. I am furious at the Senate, but to be honest, I am tortured by what has happened in my city.

I never thought I was from Boston. Until the day my city was torn apart.

* we were very open with the girls and talked to them about the whole thing. We are still seeing how they are processing the whole thing.

The One About Coming Back

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*taps microphone* Anyone here?
So yeah, I am going to try this blogging thing again. First and foremost, I have left my job and secured a new position. Unfortunately, I am not allowed to discuss what I do or where I work as part of my work agreement. Let’s just say this: I am in the same line of work, I enjoy what I do, I feel happier, but my stress isn’t all gone.

I am trying to come back. The past 4 years have been rather rough on me. Mentally and physically, it has been tough. The stress of work ate at me. I felt incompetent, stupid, and useless alternating with overpaid, overqualified, and overworked. Clearly, those feelings were contradictory. I wasted far too long trying to understand what I wanted, what was wanted of me, and my place in the universe. My boss was snide and rude. It’s clear that he never meant to be, but he was clearly full of issues in terms of women working. The last straw for me was the day I was told that if I quit working, my husband could take care of the family.

I had spent the last 2 years putting in applications to several jobs. Out of nowhere, it seemed, I was contacted to see if I was interested in a position that I had applied for in June. I said yes, and within a few days, I had an interview scheduled. I was told 2 days after the interview that they wanted me and within 6 weeks I was cleaning out my office.

Physically, I have been fighting my hypothyroidism. I am now in the position where I am betterish. I had been been getting worse and worse and being told to just get used to it. I am now 40 lbs heavier than I want to be. I have tried eating less, running more and exercising more. Nothing helped. My doctor told me to live with it. I asked to see a new doctor. I am seeing one of the top endocrinologists in Boston now. We’ve modified my medication and after 14 months, I finally got stabile numbers. Last week, I discovered my medication had been discontinued, so I am on a new med and I think it is a problem, but we’ll see in 5 more weeks.

As I said, I am running more. I have run two 1/2 marathons since January. In January, I ran the Disneyland Tinker Bell 1/2 in 3h10m. In February, I ran the DisneyWorld Princess 1/2 in 3h24m. I am very sad at the timing, but the Disney World one was far too crowded and I was stepped on early on (around mile 2). However, I finished. My goal is to increase my time. I run a long race at an average pace of 14+ min per mile. I want to be able to do a 1/2 marathon in 13+ min per mile.

Okay, that’s enough for now, but I am glad to be back.

The one about parenting children of a different religion

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*I know I owe you all a post about work, but there are things that I can’t put out here. Let’s just say I am back at work and there have been some changes implemented, but I am in the same job with the same supervisors*

So it is December. And all of the retail places are kicking our butts with holiday music. Seriously, it started before Thanksgiving this year. If I hear “Simply having a wonderful Christmas time” one more time, I will have to go postal.

December in the Casa de Space means the endless questions of why don’t Jews get even time in the holidays (2% girls! You’re part of the 2%) It is hard for me to really get their concerns because, well, I was raised Christian in a Christian society. I may now be atheist, but growing up, the whole Christmas thing made sense and it was my holiday. Now as a cynical adult, I can split the religion from the secular parts of Christmas and deal. I can tell that my kids can’t.

We don’t do both. We’re not both. We do Hanukkah. Every year, since Soleil was young, we’ve had a Hanukkah party. We make a ton of latkes (traditional fried potato pancakes) put out some other foods and roll with it. Sour cream? Fattening latkes and jelly donuts? Oh yeah, we’re all over that! We even have some drediels out to play that traditional “Let’s teach the kids how to gamble with chocolate”. Seriously, who decided that was a good idea? We don’t do electric lights, we don’t do trees, we just do Hanukkah.

So when Luna found out the competition she was attending in December was canceled, she wanted to do the holiday show for the Learn to Skate club that she works. Of course, she’ll be gone the week of the holiday show and the coaches suggested something for Hanukkah. In 1 hour, this girl got her coach to download the song “Candlelight” by the Maccabeats and she designed a routine to go with it. Amazing.

She’s still upset about Christmas dominating her world. She doesn’t know what to do with it or how to relate with others. I am at a loss. How many people out there parent a child from a different religion or culture? How do you handle these sorts of issues?

The post about being two weeks out of six

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I have almost finished two weeks out of six of my medical leave. I am seeing doctors galore. Lovely. I had a pulmonary visit because last year at this time, we thought I was having a pulmonary embolism. I think we have determined it was stress due to the reoccurrence of symptoms the week before I started leave. My insomnia is almost cured too, again it was clearly stress as I started to sleep once I knew I was able to step back from work. I have also started seeing a therapist to work on ways to not internalize my stress and I have my regular mental health consultant who signed off on the paperwork, so I need to touch base with her.

Unfortunately, there are still two outstanding medical issues: heart rate and hypothyroidism. I will do a blood test on Monday for the later. The first is a little more concerning. I have ‘intermittent tachycardia’ meaning my heart rate at rest will jump to the mid-100s. When I exercise, it jumps into the 160s and nearly 190 when I do cardio exercise (ie-running). At rest, it is typical to be in the mid 80s. This is still high, so I am seeing a cardiologist on Nov 2. My mom has a leaky valve and my dad has had a double by-pass with several stents added, so I guess at 41, I should get my heart checked. Hopefully, we will decide this is just how my heart works, but it is better to check than to just ignore it.

I have been exercising as I can. I ran a 10K trail race last weekend and twisted my ankle within the first 2 miles (it was after the first awesomely run mile!) I finished and the course was .5mi longer than a 10K, but that’s okay. I finished. My ankle is almost ready to run on. I will try today or tomorrow.

Mostly, I’ve found that I didn’t need to worry about not having anything to do. I am a doer. I do things. So I have found plenty to do.

I am still working on the stress and issues about returning to work in my head. I think that will be my next post, but I need to be careful. Some of you who read know my supervisor (I’m looking at you,Bev!) and I want to phrase things correctly. If I wanted to screw him over, I would have gone right to HR. I don’t want to screw him over, but I can’t go back to being under him either. So I have some decisions ahead of me.

The one about shit hitting the fan at work.

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Yes, I am swearing. Shut up, my blog.

Okay, I have finally hit that magical point where shit hits the fan. I am in the process of arranging a 6 week medical leave for stress. Before you say “what bullshit, we’re all stressed”, let me explain.
Oh hell, too long, let me bullet point

  1. thyroid out of wack
  2. heartrate high
  3. breathing issues
  4. lack of sleep
  5. tremors and stomach pains on days I come into the office
  6. nightmares the weekend before I go on call

Basically, I have had three different doctors suggest that my physical issues are stress related. They may be. I finally hit a low point last week. I don’t even know what straw landed on the metaphorical camel’s back, but I realized I needed out.

I find my shoulders tense on the ride into work. By the time I sit at my desk, my stomach is in knots. I can’t stand the bull from my officemate. Last week, he couldn’t figure out why we couldn’t get email from account A when the mail server was out. I wanted to slam my head into a wall.

I have arranged an appointment to talk to an independent person to discuss my work situation. I can’t go into all of the detail, but I must say that since my former teammate left, our team has been dysfunctional, painful and stressful. There is no more fun in work.

I am working with my RN for depression. I need her to sign the paperwork so I can take 6 weeks off on medical leave. I will work through these issues with a new person. I need to find out what the right answer for me is. I need to step back. I need a breather, for I am burnt.

And this is fucking scary to do.

* And before you ask, no, there are no internal jobs to transfer to. Yes, I am looking for new jobs, no I am not qualified for some and yes, I am getting depressed about that.

The one about the GOP on abortion.

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Every four years, I get very sick of the politics in our country. Last time, it was all about patriotism. Now we are all up in your face about women’s rights, gay rights and the economy.

This post was going to be all about how I hate politics, but in light of yesterday’s announcement from the GOP, I had to change it.

This is now the one about the GOP on abortion. IF you are against abortion, if you follow the GOP stance, please read. I have lots of gray to show you.

This will be long, so get some coffee and sit back. Ready?

First, a story
In 1999, Dr. Jay and I started the simple task of getting pregnant. Pretty easy,right? Some fun too, right? After 6 months of nothing, I was getting very upset. After 8 months, we scheduled an appointment to see my doctor. She was soon not to be my doctor. She was late to the appointment and was pretty flip about everything. She immediately went into the false notion that stress causes infertility. If you follow that link, you’ll find that while there is a link between stress and infertility, it is not clear which causes which.

She sent me to have my fallopian tubes checked (HSG) and I discovered that yes, my tubes were open and yes, I am allergic to contrast dye (never a good thing). It has been documented that the HSG test irritates the cilia in the tubes and can improve the chances of becoming pregnant. I lucked out and we conceived that month of the HSG.

I was excited, thrilled and not the least bit scared. We found an OB and set up an 8 week appointment. Dr. Jay and I went in on a Thursday. We did all of the normal tests and then had the ultrasound. The tech did all of the measurements and I dressed and we waited for the doctor.

I remember that she was a very nice women who explained, by doodling a heart shape on her doctor pad, the ultrasound measured the fetus at 5weeks and there was no heartbeat. She wanted to redo the ultrasound on Monday, just in case the measurements were off. I knew the truth. She was gone. As we left, I called my little one Pathfinder, as she at least proved that I could get pregnant(no, I never knew the gender, but Patherfinder is female).

I had to go to the office alone the next time as Dr. Jay was away on an observing run. The measurements were exactly the same. This time, the doctor explained to me that this was called an “incomplete abortion”. The baby failed to develop, but my body had not recognized this yet. I was still producing the proper hormones for my body to think I was still growing a baby. My options were to wait it out until I fully miscarried (this could take up to 4 more weeks), have a dilation and evacuation (D&E) procedure to remove the baby, or wait another week to check again. I asked how likely was it that there would be a heart beat in another week. She said, at this point, close to 0%, but it was what I wanted. It was my choice.

Dr. Jay was heading home when I sent his phone a call. I had arranged for the D&E to be the next day. He would be home for it.

We went to the hospital together. I could barely talk I was so overcome with grief, but the receptionist was very rude to Dr. Jay and made it clear that she thought he was pushing me into this. I had to finally pull myself together and tell her “the baby is dead. Just give us the information he’s asking for.” Fortunately, the staff in the hospital was much nicer. We had a 2 hour delay as someone had a medical emergency during birth. I did not envy that women at all, even if she was getting her child I was not. I had to sign a parental consent form for the disposal and I was asked if I wanted to have the body saved. I said no.

When I woke up, all was done. I had a wicked headache, an empty stomach and a broken heart. We left after about 30 minutes and went to IHOP where we ate and were just sad.

It wasn’t until after Soleil and Luna were born that I discovered something terrible. As the link I posted states, D&E are abortions. The word abortion, in medical speak, means to end a pregnancy. The condition of the fetus does not matter. I wrote to the CDC and asked “If I had a D&E for a miscarriage, how is that reported to you?” The answer back chilled me. It depended on the hospital. Generally, D&E are counted as abortions. When you see from the CDC the number of abortions in a year?

Yeah, Pathfinder was an abortion.

Doesn’t matter that she would never live.

Doesn’t matter that I carried a dead fetus in me for 3 weeks.

This is one of the reasons I am angry at the GOP. Under their new “personhood” ideas, I would have been forced to carry pathfinder until my body figured it out. That could have taken up to another month.

I have two friends who discovered their child had trisomy-18. Most trisomy-18 children don’t make it to birth. One friend decided to terminate the pregnancy. One didn’t find out until it was past the date of legal termination. He died in utero and was induced at 32 weeks. I photographed his birth. It was devastating to his parents. It was as devastating to this friend as the one who chose to terminate.

I follow Cecily who had to terminate her son to save her own life. His twin had died. She had developed pre-eclampsia. She would have died if she had not delivered the second child.
My cousin developed pre-eclampsia in her 30th week of pregnancy with triplets. In this case, all three survived and are entering 3rd grade. Her choice was deliver and hope for the best, or die.
In Luna’s pregnancy, I developed ante-partum depression. I had to go back on my antidepressants to not commit suicide as the hormones were that strong.

These are real people with real difficult decisions. The GOP would have us believe that women decide one day while walking down the street “Wow, this is too much, I’ll have an abortion” and jump into a clinic. The world is not the black and white. Do women choose to have abortions? yes. Do they choose because it isn’t convenient right now? Some do. Some don’t. Do they choose because they were raped? Does it matter their choice?

Listen, pregnancy is a very unique situation. Two lives in one. A male can never experience the wonder of a pregnancy. Nor can they ever experience the pain of losing a pregnancy. They can never understand what it is like to have to make that choice because no man ever had to.

It was my choice to have the D&E. Others who are not doctors, who do not know my situation want to tell me what to do. I am having signs of perimenaupause. This issue may not be terribly relevant to me soon. But it will matter to me as a person.

It is time for the GOP to step back and stop attacking my rights to make my own decisions. I have two daughters. I am raising them with a strong code of what is right and wrong and pushing YOUR religion on someone else is wrong. Deciding that you know best for everyone in every situation is wrong. Deciding that an unborn child’s life is more important than the living is wrong.

I don’t want my children growing up in a world where men, men who can’t even understand the basics of the female reproductive system, are outlawing how they care for their body.

Abortion is not a black or white. Is it not even stopping a beating heart in all cases. What abortion involves is a large gray mass and the only morals to be invoked in this situation are the ones the woman who is pregnant can handle. This is currently, and should remain a choice for the woman.

The one about running

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Running. Ah yes, my fun sport. I love/hate running. It’s really the first mile that does me in. If I can get past the first mile, I am in good shape. When I say the words “good shape”, I mean the starting pains are done and I can get a good pace(for me) going.

I have scheduled and registered for two half marathons this year. I think I am crazy! 13.1 miles of running? What the hell am I thinking? Apparently, I am thinking that things are going well and this is helping me become a fitter person. Is fitter a word? More fit of a person? Who knows? I am a science major, not a English major!

I’ve had some troubles with my right foot. Turns out I damaged the plantar fascia on my foot during the half marathon in Feb. I am working on taping, icing and generally being good to my foot, however, I also need to start training for my half marathon in January. In July, I started work on that. This weekend, I am doing a 5.5 mile run. woot! I just mapped it out.

I find that once I have my groove, the run is easy. It’s smooth and I feel good. I am not very fast, at least when I run with the dog, I am very slow. Without the dog, I move to the category of Not Very Fast. I want to improve that, but I am not sure how. Right now, I am pushing for endurance.

Sometimes, I look at the reports from my other running friends and get frustrated. I’m not fast. My pace, on a good day, is 12:30 min/mile. My ultimate goal is 10 min/miles. Listen, this isn’t Olympic pace. It isn’t track team race. It just means I could run a 5K in about 30 minutes. But I feel slow and sluggish when I see what others can do. Sigh…

This has to be helping my heart and my legs. I am stronger. I may still be a ball of flab, but I am glad to be running. In theory, this should be helping my serotonin levels, but I am
doubtful of that. My thyroid and the hell it is putting me through will be discussed in another post.

For now, just keep cheering me on!

The one about summer camp

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This summer has been crazy with summer camp. We started week 1 with a lovely trip to Barcelona, Spain. I would not have traded that for anything in the world. Then a few weeks of sleepover camp, one week with both girls gone, and back to day camp and other things.

Camp has been interesting this year. We started with Girl Scout Day Camp. We quickly realized that both girls have kind of out grown this camp. It’s sad because it is close to home and easy to get to on the way to work. However, I have to accept the plain and simple fact that my girls are getting older.

Soleil is now 10. She is quite capable of handling some serious situations. She did a 2 week sleepover in NH this year. 2 weeks away from me. That’s HUGE for her. She was excited to see us during the break, but she did great! Luna is now 8. She’s very whiny as of late, but she is doing more sleepover camp and really starting to enjoy the independence.

I am torn about summer camp. When I was a kid, mom was a teacher. Camp was rarely an option. When we did do camp, I had some pretty bad experiences. I will never forget the treatment by some other kids.
However, this seems to be much better. Soleil and I were able to talk about some of her issues at camp, including a girl with a severe lack of coping skills. “J” was difficult and Soleil tried to work with her, but it didn’t work well. In fact, “J” hit her once. However, there were twins who begged their mom and dad to come to the session last week only because Soleil was in that session. That was cool.

Luna is still unsure about camps. She would rather be on the ice. She’s in an ice skating camp this week and coming home exhausted. She loves it. I am glad she is there, but man, she is tired.
She is suddenly blooming in her maturity on some items (but not her humor…that stays at the 12year old boy level), but back sliding in others. The fall will be a big test. She enters 3rd grade and the upper Elementary school. That is a BIG change for her.

Next year, Soleil has requested to go to overnight camp all summer with weekends home. We’ll see. Luna wants to do more overnight camps… Again, we’ll see. Me? I want to be off all summer… AH!

The one about Gun Control

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“A well regulated Militia, being necessary to the security of a free State, the right of the people to keep and bear Arms, shall not be infringed.” 2nd Amendment

Okay- I agree. We need to have the right to bear Arms. I totally agree that we should have this right.

Definition of INFRINGE

transitive verb
1
: to encroach upon in a way that violates law or the rights of another
2
obsolete : defeat, frustrate

So here’s the question: Does putting a registry (as in a well regulated militia) put an infringement on the right to bear arms? Does preventing assault rifles to be stored at home infringe the right to bear arms?

Let’s say our country instituted a nationwide weapon ownership registry. Every time someone purchased a weapon, that information would be stored somewhere. Does this encroach upon the right to bear arms? And let’s say, someone purchases several weapons in a short period of time and the registry notes this. Is this encroaching on the right to bear arms? And let’s suppose that the ATF comes in to ask said person about their purchases. Is THIS encroaching on the right to bear arms?

My answers are no. But what are yours?

Now what about assault rifles? Could someone be required to place assault rifles in a place where they are locked up? I would think that would infringe on the right to bear arms. Does it need to be within the context of a miltia? I don’t know. What is the purpose of an assault rifle? I can imagine some people want it for fun. Go to the target range and blast away with an assault rifle. Sounds like great stress relief! Should we track these guns? Put them somewhere safe? What counts as safe? Who makes sure these are safe?

Thoughts?