Category Archives: Depression

I have an idea…

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Right now, I can only envision some warm tropical island. On this island, is me. In a chaise with a one piece suit, resting my body while listening to the waves gently rolling on shore.

Seriously, I have very little time to write these days. I feel torn by the work I have, the life I live, the kids, and what I really want to do. My office mate officially accepted another job last week. This means we need to replace him. Our 4 person team will be down to 3 and it will be tight going for a bit. To be honest, this has stressed me in ways that I didn’t realize until I wrote this sentence. I have been suffering from anxiety attacks for a few days. It’s been difficult. Tonight, I planned on going to the gym, but I have an upset stomach. I will go tomorrow and do a longer workout.

I really love the work I do even though it often feels like quicksand. And with J leaving, it will be even more running on ice.  I don’t blame him. He is a new dad. The workload is high and being on call 24/7 for a week out of every 3 to 4 weeks is tough. It is very hard to be expected to carry your laptop everywhere and to be able to jump on line at a minute’s notice.

I also had a visit this past weekend from some friends. The wife complained about how unbearable her husband had gotten lately. She told me he was being suicidal. That he was withdrawn from the family. Things that all sound familiar.

I found an in during our dinner conversation to bring up my depression. Jay had picked up what was going on and joined in. After dinner, the husband asked me about medication. If I felt it was worth it. I replied that "it sounds odd, but it lifted a fog I was in. Fog isn’t quite the right word. It was the horrible feeling of what an asshole I was to be feeling like shit when I had all of these wonderful things around me." He said "I get it. I am there now."

I wish I could do more. I have offered him what I can… the understanding that he is not alone. That someone out there understands what he is feeling and that it can be better.

Meanwhile, he doesn’t even know that I am undergoing daily panic attacks over a co-worker leaving. He said I didn’t look like I ever had depression. I replied that I hide it well. And I do. In person, I hide it well.

Here, in words, I can let the dark gaping hole of my personal hell open, and let out the emotions, so those who know me, can never see them.
 

Cuz

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We had a whirlwind weekend starting on Friday afternoon. We collected small children from various locations, grabbed the car that was packed for the weekend and headed north to the New Hampshire airport that Southwest flies out from. (there is a hope that Southwest may come to Boston!). We tried to eat dinner there, but the girls were too excited. They love planes and air travel. They don’t see that mom gets airsickness and is fricken’ terrified. Oh well. And the fact that Friday, the news came out about the crash in the Buffalo area was most likely pilot error. Somehow, that really bothers me that the pilot pulled the nose up when the plane started an aerodynamic stall instead of down. Even I know that is what will kill you and I don’t even LIKE flying!

We finally get on the plane, and we find 4 seats for us. Jay took the girls because I was not feeling well. They watched a Looney Tunes disk and had a ball.  I got a chance to read (finally started "The Golden Compass"). We finally got to BWI and the rental car. Then the fun began! The girls were up until almost midnight. They played with their cousins (ok, second cousins. I think. I can’t ever remember the first removed crap. These kids are the children of Jay’s cousin. close enough. We just say cousins, so if you’re going to get all technical on me? Yeah, I can find some choice words) Then we crashed around 1am. Jay was kind enough to try to let me sleep in, but the kids were playing and Soleil decided to hide in my room. Thanks! We managed to get dressed, girls bathed, and in the car by 11 to drive down to DC. All I could hear was "Are we going to see where Obama lives?" YES! but we are not going in…sigh. We visited the mall and the mothership (The Smithsonian Institution.) We saw at least 3 museums and when Soleil was acting like a 15 year old,(she even said "Yeah mom, Whatever" when I asked her not to throw crayons! calgon, take me away!). We finally took then over to air and space. Yeah- we stole our nephew, Eagle, because he is a better fit to our family than his own.  He loved the attention and doing what he wanted to do.

We kept Eagle for several hours and then met the family for dinner. We found out that Jay’s mom had a head injury last week and failed to tell any of us about since she was afraid we would yell at her to not come to DC (Hell woman, of course we are worried!) She had an emergency CT and was sent for further testing. They found an old bleed and some other damage that was old. Sigh.

Jay and I scooted out of dinner to meet our cousins for a comedy show. We saw Stephen Lynch. Check out our new favorite song. Just NOT WITH KIDS OR BOSSES AROUND.  http://www.rhapsody.com/goto?rcid=tra.26589744 It helped that Soleil was being well, a 15 year old. It really helped me enjoy this song.

We had a huge family brunch with about 40 people on Sunday. Wow. We were all wiped out and made the kids go to bed by 9. Amazingly, they DID go to bed (two nights of staying up to midnight might do that.) We had to get up at 4am to get back to Boston. We made the early flight, got the kids happy and fed, back to our car, made it to Soleil’s school with 2 minutes to spare. Life is good.
 

MECO…. MECO

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I’ve unplugged myself the past few days. Actually, I’ve been fairly busy with life and I was enjoying the break from constant connectivity. On Thursday, I realized I was hitting a pretty big depression. Frick. I hate my monthly depression cycle. It affects Jay and the kids. Friday, I took off because we had several daytime activities. We had a teacher workshop day, so I knew I would never get any work done at home. I had lunch with a friend who was also taking off Friday and it was nice to try to just be. I did have a full evening, but then I tried to just relax on the weekend. It didn’t quite work with the depression.

I am in the middle of filling out kindergarten forms and Summer camp forms (most are already done) and all sorts of Things Which Grownups Must Do. I am not very happy that I do the grownup thing so much. Sigh.

Yesterday, Luna read "Hop on Pop " to me! She did really well! I was shocked and guilted because we don’t spend as much time helping her read as we did with Soleil. Sigh. 

We did show the girls the shuttle launch on Sunday. (for those non science geeks, that would be the space shuttle Discovery). They loved it. I had to explain why I suck air every time I hear  "go throttle up" (that was the last transmission to Challenger before it blew). I also had to explain MECO (pronounced mee-ko), the girls laughed when they heard Mission Control give Discovery the prepare for MECO command. We explained what is means (Main Engine Cut Off) and we watched it happen. It now is the catch phrase in our house. MECO!

 

Gray is the new black!

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Ugh, rain and rain and more rain today. I need a nice sunny day. To be honest, I’ve been doing well on the depression front, but today does NOT feel like a good day. I am tired. Very tired. I had HORRIBLE nightmares last night (about a blogger, go figure) and then I woke up to a down mood. My co-leader for Girl Scouts is in disagreement with me over something for the girls and I don’t want to give in to her, but I see her points and the conflict is bothering me deep down.

I am planning on some exercise today. That should help. We also have an interfaith meeting at the temple tonight. I want to go because there have been more and more interfaith families coming to the temple and for a while, there was a push to convert the non-Jews. Sorry, that doesn’t fly well with me.

Last night was a long one. Soleil had a nightmare. About small pox. You see, a few weeks ago, I saw this very cool article about the flu virus and how all strains of the flu virus have a similar section of DNA. The group that was studying this wanted to find a way to destroy the virus by attacking that section, so it didn’t matter which strain of flu it was, it would protect us from the flu virus. Soleil was curious about this, so we talked about small pox. Jay got a vaccine for it, I didn’t. It is simply that I am 5 years younger and they no longer did the vaccine when I was born. Soleil is a nerdling (as is Luna) and she loves all things sciencey. She has been fascinated with viruses and microbes for a while. Last night, she was sobbing in her bed, afraid of someone breaking into the lab where small pox is kept and making the world sick with small pox. Then she wanted the scientists to stop work on the flu virus because someone might do that if we get rid of flu. Sigh…. It took a while to explain to her that small pox is well guarded and we know how to fight it. And then Jay gave her all sorts of examples of doomsday prophesies that just don’t come true! She finally relaxed enough and went to sleep.

Luna was a lunatic last night. Actually, all day. In the morning, she was pissed that Jay took Soleil to the bus stop and so she yelled at me and threw the couch cushions at me. Finally I threatened (in a beautifully calm mom voice) that I would carry her to the car with no shoes and seat belt her in if she wouldn’t cooperate. She screamed "But I am cooperating!" I asked if she knew what cooperating meant. She replied "NO! Wait I mean YES, but I won’t tell you what it means!" which roughly translated means "Up yours mom! I don’t know and I don’t care But I am doing it and I am 4 and I rule the world!" Sigh. Her night wasn’t much better, but I figure that isn’t so bad. She has a cold and I am terrified it will hit her ear. Again. Maybe I want it to so we can get tubes again. That really helped her when she was younger.

 BTW one of my favorite bloggers is hanging up the keyboard. Go say goodbye to Halcyon Mama

Quicksand

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It is just me, or is this winter getting to everybody?

Last night, the girls were all "mom, mom, mom". I had to fix some plots for work before this morning, so I was trying to fix that and get things going for bedtime. I get so torn. The girls want me to snuggle with them every night. But I am exhausted and want some time for me. But they are growing up and one day, they won’t want snuggles (Soleil already doesn’t like me to kiss her in front of her friends, so I squeeze her shoulder or just give a tiny hug in front of them). This is a horrible quandary.

I wrote to a friend of mine last night that I am so crispy. I am so worn out and so overwhelmed by everything in life. She replied that she feels like she is in quicksand. That is a great description of what it feels like right now. Quicksand. Running on ice. Up a creek without a paddle.

I haven’t exercised at all this week. It makes me feel icky to not exercise. I am 5 weeks into Weight watchers and I have lost 5 lbs, but I need to keep it up to get to my goal. And I need the exercise. When I don’t get it, I don’t feel as successful with the weight loss.

I wonder how much of this quagmire is from the length of winter this year. It is long and wet and cold and we still have a dumpster in our driveway. Does anyone else feel this way? (minus the dumpster…really, when it leaves it is spring.)
 

Open Letters

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Dear Pharmacutical companies,

Will you please stop making anti-depressants that make people gain weight, have trouble losing said weight and give them insomnia? Because those all kind of fuck with the whole "anti" part of anti-depressants.

Thanks, Nance

Dear Kitchen contractors:

I know we are geeks. That’s our job, to be geeks. We even call our children "nerdlings". But when we ask for special lighting for under our cabinets and it comes in two temperature colors, consider asking us before blindly ordering. Having 4000K lights when the rest of the kitchen are 2700K lights really looks weird. And yes, I am going to insist that you change them. Even though they cost an arm and a leg. Oh, and fix the leak in the new sink, will ya?

Thanks, Nance

Dear Hockey Gods,

What the hell do you have against me seeing the Sabres play this season? I mean seriously, they are in town TOMORROW. The game is during the day! I can go! EXCEPT that I would have to go alone because someone has to take Soleil to ice skating. And I don’t trust my teen sitters to do that. And I am so not going into the Boston Garden (okay, the new Boston Garden) cheering the Sabres alone. Not after that year when the drunk asshole tried to rip my Sabre jersey off and Jay almost broke his arm.

How about you just let me see one measly Sabre game this year? I have tickets in March. Or are you going to throw another snow storm at me?

Thanks, Nance

Dear Luna,

I love you and I will never stop telling you even when you move to Hawai’i and insist that you won’t answer your cellphone when I call to tell you I love you. But will you PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE stop placing your pee filled pull-up on my face in the morning? I just would prefer something more pleasant, like the smell of coffee, to wake up my senses. Thanks!

Love, Mom

 

Dear Soleil,

 

I am thrilled that you are growing up in a more culturally diverse and sensitive life style than I ever was. But I cannot make your hair look like Christina’s. First, she is African-American. Her hair is a completely different texture than yours. It can hold all of those tiny braids so much better than your fine silky brown hair. Secondly, you can’t sit still anyway, so how the hell am I supposed to braid your hair when you keep moving? Let’s stick to one or two braids, Okay?
Love, Mom

Too much too little too late- Your invite to my bitch fest

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I feel like there is always too much to do. Right now I feel swamped. Between home and work and kids, and kitchen (which got DELAYED AGAIN! to the 11th now) and what I want to do and what I have to do, damn, there’s no time left.

I think the kitchen delays are getting me. We finally have everything purchased. We have someone looking at our current dishwasher tonight. She can pick it up once it is out next week. I have most of the cabinets emptied. I showed some people the before photos and they kept saying how beautiful the current kitchen is. The previous owners had it refaced and a new counter put in. So it looks nice. And when we bought the house, we loved the kitchen. After working in there for a few months, we discovered the flaws. After being in it for almost 6 years? We are ready for it to go.

 Jay’s computer had an aneurysm this week. Took it to the mac store at the mall. They gave it a new hard disk. But they put on Tiger OS instead of Leopard OS. He had to go back. Then he found the backup disk was dead. After much talking, we got it working again. He restored and the disk(backup) died for good. He’s been yelling some nasty things at his disks. It makes me anxious. I hate that feeling.

My shoulder hurts ever since the chiropractor "fixed" my neck on Tuesday. I have to call and let him know. It feels out of place.

I want a weekend alone. Anyone up to coming to Boston and staying at a hotel with me? just for a weekend? we could do spas and massage and things like that? No? Ah, well reality has to settle in soon.
 

Sciatica

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I think Omegamom and I are soul sisters. We are both going through sciatica. Damn it hurts. Really really really hurts. The scoliosis I have occasionally causes this. I have been trying to exercise (the leg/pelvic movement loosens the muscles there) and using my hula hoop more. Driving and sitting are the WORST. UGH. And of course, my job involves a lot of sitting. Right now, I am listening to a telecon and trying to stretch.

I am trying to figure out how to get back to my book. I am pretty frustrated that the depressive episode caused me to stop writing. I was really on a roll there! The problem is, I am not quite out of the woods on the depression, so the evenings are tiring. I have the emotional energy to work with the girls and be happy for them, but to actually sit down and write, I have no energy.

It is finally nice here in the Boston area. It’s been raining and raining and raining. Today is nice. I hope we can walk down to Harvard Square today for lunch. That will help my back a bit (any sort of exercise helps it).

 

Afternoon clouds, sunny disposition

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Okay- Maybe sunny is too strong of a word. I am doing better. My doctor suggested taking 2 anti-anxiety pills to help me get to sleep and lo-and-behold, it worked. For the first time in 2 weeks, I’ve been able to sleep. I hope this will start me to accept that Yes, I will sleep again and YES I will not have to use medicine all of the time.

I find it very odd that when I fall into the spiral of depression, the pain is so real and dark. I can actually physically feel a pressure of sadness in my chest. I noticed that I am holding my back up straighter this week and that I actually so of care if my clothes look okay. The oddest thing of all, however, is that the emotions from the last two weeks, the thoughts, the pain, the horror story that my mind wrote for me, are all faded as if the breaking sunlight is washing them out. I remember parts of it and I remember I was in pain, but to actually say it felt like…like what? My memory is but a shadow of the actual emotions.

I am doing much better. I am NOT out of the woods. I WILL be diagnosed as clinically depressed my entire life. I WILL have to fight these demons and try not to let it affect those I love, even though I know it will affect them.

A conversation last night:

Soleil: Mom? You look tired. Is that why you’re going to bed now?

Me: Yeah, it’s part of my brain sick.

Soleil: The brain sick that you take medicines for?

Me: Yep. Remember, when I take my medicines, it makes my brain happier and not so sad and angry.

Soleil: I like you happier.

Me: Me too, babe. But the medicines that help my brain work right is making me stay up all night.

Soleil: (sitting up eagerly) Can I stay up with you?

Me: No babe, YOU have school tomorrow. I love you.

Of course, she came in at 10:15 and watched 30 minutes of Jurassic Fight Club with us. It is rated TV14, so we made her leave to her bed before the actual fight. But she did ask me why it was called Jurassic Fight club if the dinosaurs on last night where from the late Cretaceous period. I told her it sounded better than Dino Fight Club.

Moving forward

 

On a side note: my book has suffered a serious set back. I couldn’t write at all during the MDE so I am trying to figure out when I can write again….