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Can I go back to bed? April 1, 2008

Posted by spacemom in : Depression, Dr. Jay, Fun with Crohn's Disease , 2 comments

Sorry for the hiatus in the depression series. Jay spiked a 101.6 fever on Sunday. Now, for most people, no biggie, but he is on meds right now that prevent his body from fighting infection and 101 was the trigger to call the doctor. He saw the doctor yesterday and was given an antibiotic and a large round of blood tests.

I’ve been handling to kids mostly, got them out to Horton (loved it, but Vlad (not the bunny) was scary to Luna). We played, got Soleil to her Girl Scout meeting (which I didn’t have to go to! Yeah!) and generally got things going.

Sorry this is short, but I have a bit of code at work that is driving me mad! Oh wait, I think I know, I need a copy constructor in my class! Yes! That must be it!

If my last sentence made no sense, just move along! 

When did the rain start to fall?–Part 4 March 29, 2008

Posted by spacemom in : Depression , comments closed

When I first went on anti-depressants, I figured "okay- about 6 months and I’ll be back to normal". Ha! I am still on them. 

I thought this was all temporary. The depression was just post partum depression. It would go away as my hormones returned to normal and life would be good again.

Or would it?

I would go to the campus store and pick up a pint of Ben and Jerry’s. I would take my thermal dynamics book and notebook and go to the 7th floor of this building. The corners had large plate glass windows. I would occasionally wonder if I could run the length of the hallway and throw myself through the window. Then I would return to the problem set at hand. Once I did a calculation of force. In all reality, I would not die from such a fall, just be really really hurt.  I continued to ponder and watch the lights of the island while I did my homework.

I’m not sure there ever was a Normal for me. Perhaps an insanity, but not a normal. If I was thinking this way during college, long before children, maybe this wasn’t PPD, but something else. I started to really look at this in gory detail. I reviewed many different symptoms and thoughts. The best fit seems to be clinical depression.

In my hometown, I was never the popular one. Oh, sure everyone KNEW of me, the geek, the astronomer. The girl most likely to find a planet. But I was not popular. I fell for a popular boy. When it was clear that he was not going to ever reciprocate, I withdrew my emotions from my being. It was easier to hide behind a smile than to deal with rejection. At the time, I thought is was normal grieving of a relationship. In retrospect, it was overreacting at the least and unhealthily obsessive. I had signs of depression then. This was in 6th grade.

There were other signs. Little ones that I can see in hindsight, but never in front of me. The hormones of pregnancy certainly increased my depression. That was clear from the 7th week of Luna’s pregnancy. When the depression kicked me hard and often. When I would look at Soleil and wonder how I was destroying her life. Oh, yes, every parent wonders that with their children, but this was worse. My thoughts were violent and graphic. I was trying to stay off the antidepressants during Luna’s pregnancy, but at 12 weeks, Jay found me sitting on the floor of the kitchen, absentmindedly running a butcher knife along my palm. He helped me get back to the medication. And back to help.

 

 

It’s always been here. That’s the truth. The rain has always been here. I am not sure why I never saw it before. It was raining when I was a child, It rained when I went through middle and high school. College was full of rain. But even in Seattle, people can be happy. Can I? 

 

Luna messed with me from before she was born. I went into pre-term labor at 33 weeks. Ended up on terbutalene. Nasty stuff. But she made Soleil happy and me….

RE: The depression series March 28, 2008

Posted by spacemom in : Current Affairs, Depression , 3 comments

I am working through some issues with the depression. I am finding that it is very cathartic to write down what was going on and how I was feeling. I also hope that if someone else sees themselves through my prism, they may get help. I’ve closed the comments because I am not looking for pity. I am trying to figure out where the depression started and how I got through this incredibly difficult time.

I hope you don’t mind reading along. You are more than welcome to just skip these. I’ll keep the title going so you can skip them if they are boring.

If you do want to discuss anything, you can always email me….thespacemom at gmail DOT com
 

When did the rain start to fall?–Part 3 March 28, 2008

Posted by spacemom in : Depression , comments closed

 I had found myself withdrawing deeper into myself as time went on. We started to get smiles from Soleil and that helped. I would take her for walks in the mornings on the Minuteman Bike way. It helped to get out in the Summer/Fall air. I tried to get her in the Baby Bjorn. It took about 10 tries to get her to stop crying. I would get her in it, walk about 5 minutes and then take her out because she was miserable. Eventually, she stopped hating it. It just was so hard to get her to calm. The walks helped me because there was a world outside of my private hell. But winter was coming and soon I would need to return to work.

We traveled to Baltimore for a work meeting. I wasn’t officially back at work yet. A blowout had happened with the new boss. I was about to lose my office space and my plan of working 3 days 10 hours a day was getting axed because of the boss change. When we got on the plane, I realized I was having a panic attack. A full blown panic attack. I thought my heart would burst out of my chest. Soleil was wonderful on the flights. She sucked her pacifer and slept most of the time. I was the one losing it on the planes.

I started to review my mental state. We were house hunting. I was returning to work. we had a CHILD! And I was thinking darker and darker thoughts every day. I would review our wills and life insurance policies when Soleil was sleeping, to make sure that Jay would be able to handle life with her alone. I would think new and unexciting ways to leave the planet. The oppression in my head was unbearable.

One night, after feeding Soleil in the middle of the night, I just sat on the stairs and cried. Jay heard me and came out. I told him that I was going crazy. He said that I was just overwhelmed. I looked right at him and said, "No, I am really going insane. There is something wrong with me." He stayed with me that night until  I was ready to go to bed. In the morning, he arranged for me to see my endocrinologist. Maybe your thyroid is off…

I saw my endocrinologist within a week. I didn’t think of it at the time, but Jay must have insisted that he see me because it normally takes months to get an appointment. I explained my symptoms. I explained that I was "down". He asked how I was bonding. When I explained that it was not going well, he probed deeper. Was I getting enough sleep? Was she a good or poor sleeper? Had I ever gotten frustrated over her? Had I ever considered violence even if I wouldn’t act on it? He knew the right questions to ask. He arranged for someone in mental health to see me ASAP and had a nurse walk me over to the mental health office.  The road to wellville? Not really.

I started taking antidepressants. I started working again and managed to save both my office and my 3-10 work schedule. I started missing more days of work with small child illnesses. We purchased a house and sold another.  

I went through 4 different doctors before I found one who would deal with me as a person. One tried to associate past events with my depression. Another insisted on hypnosis, which I rejected. I found a doctor who specialized in post partum depression and I was turned away because of my insurance. I finally found someone in February. Soleil was now 7 months old.

 

When did the rain start to fall?–Part 2 March 27, 2008

Posted by spacemom in : Depression , comments closed

The first few months where hell. Literal hell.

I arrived home on a Thursday and we had Jay’s parents in shortly after that for Soleil’s Brit Bat.  They were wonderful and did not interfere with my attempting to breast feed and visits with the Lactation Consultant. They tried to help when she cried. She would cry every day for hours. We went out for dinner once and when Jay and I returned, Soleil had spent the entire time crying. It was so hard.

The 1 week mark of being home was punctuated with the news that my boss, the one I loved and worked hard to move to his team, was leaving. He would be gone by the time I got back from maternity leave.  I had arranged to be on maternity leave (I only got 6 weeks) for 15 weeks. The last 11 were work at home weeks. I went to 20 hours of work a week, at home. I mostly did things at nights and listened into meetings about software projects I was working on at the time.

Soleil quickly fell into a pattern. Wake at 6, eat, play. Sleep. Wake eat play sleep. wake eat play SCREAM between 4-7 pm, eat sleep and then a bunch of eating and sleeping over night. I would stand in a dark closet, shutting out all stimulation to calm her. She clawed at me as if to say "make it stop" but I had no idea what was bothering her. Sometimes it was better to put her down on the floor and let her scream while I cried. I didn’t know what I was doing wrong.

After 2 weeks, I was encouraged to give up breast-feeding. I was already resenting the time of trying to get her to eat. Even with bottles we had to put the bottle in her mouth and then get some liquid in her before she would acknowledge that it was there and try to eat.  I was guilted by perfect strangers for giving her formula. My light of life was getting darker by the day. I was getting very little sleep and then not much done during the day. And just at 4, when I was ready to get coffee or something to get me going again, she would start the scream.

Once, I remember having the idea of just tossing her out the window. I was immediately horrified that I would even think that. How could I? I had spent so long trying to have a child and I was thinking this?

I was furious with myself and the world. No one told me that motherhood would be like this. They LIED and told me that I would see her and be bonded for life. I didn’t even like this screaming monster. How could I bond with her? Oh, yes, I loved her (and I still do!) but the first month left me emotionally drained and unsure if I would ever be able to like this child. I often had thoughts of driving my car into a tree. But usually, Soleil was with me and I couldn’t do that to her.
Soleil at 1 month.

When did the rain start to fall?–part 1 March 26, 2008

Posted by spacemom in : Depression , comments closed

I am never sure when it began. Perhaps it was when I hit puberty. Or earlier. I thought it started when Soleil was born, but now I know that it has been around much much longer.

Soleil was born after 2 years of trying to conceive, 1 miscarriage(complete with D&C and then getting told that insurance wasn’t going to cover it), and a very long and difficult pregnancy. I knew that I would never be a great pregnant person. The constant nausea, the hernia that sent me to the hospital, the bleeding, the pain, the early drop that put me on bed rest, none of that disappointed. But what I didn’t expect was how HARD it was to be a mother.

Soleil come into the world after 49 hours of labor, 3 hours of pushing. She screamed bloody murder for the first 20 minutes. She calmed when warmed up and on my chest. We tried to feed, but she was too upset to do so. The nurses took her up to the nursery for tests and I was taken to a room where I could rest. Within 1 hour, they brought her to me. I was exhausted and mentally shattered. I had not expected labor to be that difficult. I was still fighting off the epidural. I had lost all of my food from the day before and had not eaten yet. And they brought this tiny fragile child to me. And we tried again to feed. And she screamed. 

I had a nurse help me, but it was HARD. I wanted to breast feed. I knew all of the research. It was there, I could do this. But what I didn’t know then that I now know is that Soleil is sensitive to textures. She needed a long smooth nipple. Mine are not. We were incompatible for feeding. I even went through many different bottle/nipple combination before I found one that worked.  Yes, I gave up breast feeding two weeks in. Because even before I left the hospital, the depression was there.

It crept in. Maybe it was always there. 1 hour break from labor until I had my child with me, alone. Jay had gone home to shower as we had been told to do. It never occurred to me to send her to the nursery so I could sleep. I should have. I cried and cried as she cried and cried. I felt that in less than 12 hours, I had failed my child. The girl I had tried so long to conceive. 

Jay came back in the afternoon. The girl and I had slept after a very difficult feeding session. The thunder moved in that evening. The Red Sox were playing down the street and there was a sign up for Nomar Garciaparra, "Happy Birthday". It was Soleil’s birthday too! She spent most of her awake time crying. It was amazing how much she cried. And how much I cried.

We learned to change her, bathe her and we got ready to take her home. I dressed her in her new born take home outfit. She was ready to go. I climbed into the back seat of the car with her….

to be continued

A little bit of Terror in my life March 20, 2008

Posted by spacemom in : Depression, Religion, Parenting 101 , 2 comments

Do you remember Mambo Number 5?

A little bit of Monica in my life
A little bit of Erica by my side
A little bit of Rita’s all I need
A little bit of Tina’s what I see
A little bit of Sandra in the sun
A little bit of Mary all night long
A little bit of Jessica here I am
A little bit of you makes me your man

Ah, how I love that song. And today, I sing the title of this post to that refrain.

You see, today is Purim. My girls are dressing up for the celebration. We are even picking up Soleil’s best friend R (who has a half-day of school) to come join us! We have costumes! We have money for tickets to play games and food. We have Graggers. So where’s the terror?

I can’t stand places where I am cramped in and surrounded by people. It starts simply enough. I may be at the mall in December. The first indication is a little bit of color overload. I start to classify every color I see. Then I start to organize the noises and conversations I am hearing. I don’t hear white noise or chatter, my brain actually starts to interpret all of the signals I am getting. In a very crowded place, like the temple will be tomorrow, I am going to get bumped and brushed past. This starts to trigger anxiety.

I know all of this is going to happen. I hope I can step back and watch from a distance. I hope I can step out and let my brain relax a little tomorrow. Or else, I will have the anxiety and terror of too much going on!

Sigh…

Soup and Jelly Beans March 4, 2008

Posted by spacemom in : Life...otherwise, Depression , 1 comment so far

Yes, that is my lunch today. I eat like Crap when Jay’s not around to check on me! :) Besides, I can only get good jelly beans during the Easter season. And peeps. Yes, my friends, it is that time of year again to horde peeps and let them get stale…mmmm… stale peeps…

Okay- enough of my freakish eating habits!

I’ve been thinking alot about depression and genetic ties. I have a family member (not to be named- Let’s call her Francine) who has been experiencing violent episodes and depression. She’s a teen, so there is this attitude of "oh she’ll grow out of it" that some people have. But…but what if she doesn’t? What if the depression I have always felt, the depression that I saw my grandparents deal with is genetically passed on to Francine? What if this is a life long struggle? How do you tell a kid "it’s okay. I spent my junior year of college wanting to hurl myself out the window of a 7 floor building and I’m okay. Except for when Soleil was born. And when I got pregnant with Luna. And after Luna was born and my meds stopped working." Yeah, there’s some hope for you.

I am considering working with my doc to deal with the fact that I will always have depression. It will wax and wane, but I will always have it. How do we tell our children this? Soleil will sometimes do small, minor damage to herself when she is angry. Things like digging her nails into her arm. I watch and suggest others ways to get her anger out. But, what if she has the depression too?

How do we deal with something like this when it is so damn hard to accept in our society? When people tell you to "just get over it"? When people say "it’s not that bad". How?

Protected: At the Precipice February 22, 2008

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It’s raining again February 13, 2008

Posted by spacemom in : Depression , 3 comments

It’s been a while, so I thought I would give a little depression update.

To be honest, things have been good. I don’t mean "Little Mary Sunshine" good, but I am doing well in controlling the depression and feelings of despair. I kicked my meds up this week because I was alone with the kids. Jay returns tonight, so I should do okay.

My biggest issue remains time management. I have some other issues (body image, eating, self-esteem), but time management is the biggest issue I have to content with. I tend to get overwhelmed with what I need to do in life. Which turns on me. I start to panic over everything that has to get done. I panic over the simplest of things and then it snowballs into a disaster. I am working on this issue. It’s hard, but I am working on it.

I have found that the exercise is helping a great deal. I try to work out 4-5 times a week. I am focusing on strength training. I can see some incredible muscle development in my legs (as if I need it there! My calves are larger than Jay’s) and if I could lose some fat, I would look amazing! But,  the best part of the exercise is that I feel CALM afterwords. Really calm. It helps so much and when I don’t exercise in 2 weeks, I feel terrible. The anxiety kicks back in and I just start to stress.

My current plan of depression control is this:

And that is my depression update…getting better…