For almost a week now, I haven’t been sleeping. That’s not true. I sleep, but it takes hours to fall asleep.

I don’t understand it.

At first, I thought it was because I hurt my back. And the back hurt my legs. And I was aware of my legs at night.

I tried benedryl. I tried alcohol (which worked, but I don’t drink much). I tried a new age Zen music (at least then I was awake and not panicky)

I don’t know why this is happening, but I have a flight at 5am tomorrow. I have to get myself up at 3 and out by 3:30. And how do I do this when I can’t fall asleep until 1-2am?

I wonder if my body is finally caught up on sleep and is okay with 6 hours a night now. I can’t imagine that is it as I am exhausted now and it is 3:30pm.

I hope I figure this out soon. Not sleeping is tough 

Sigh… 

I am suffering a batch of insomnia right now. Last night, I stopped tangling the sheets alone, and went to the kitchen around 1:50am. I poured a bowl of cereal and went to get the book I am reading. As I reached for the milk, I saw the M family photo on our fridge.

In the photo, Corey and Becky are standing behind a counter. Their son, Sam* and daughter Emma* are sitting on the counter. Emma is 7 months old, a shock of blonde hair capping her beautiful head. Sam is 2 years older than his sister, and looks like Corey already. Becky is still carrying her pregnancy weight, and this is not the best photo of her. Corey has a short haircut and is smiling.

This photo was taken in December, 1999. A family photo to send around for Christmas. I was visiting them in early January. I called around Christmas to wish everybody a good time.

On January 6, 2000, Corey was killed at Fort Bliss in El Paso.

The days after were a blur. The shock of everything. Becky was making him a birthday present when the soliders came to tell her. How Sam kept asking her was she okay. Her in-laws coming. The feuding over the burial. The complete lack of respect for her wishes. The luck that Corey had R-C put on his dogtags so Becky could at least have the funeral in her church, not his family’s.

The sadness of having to leave her with her parents. Having to leave everything in El Paso to move back to Buffalo. How to raise two small children alone? How to deal with the pain? The family? The greif?

I told Becky that I didn’t know how she did it. She replied the only sensible answer: She didn’t have a choice. She could either die too, or be there for the kids. I realize now what a stupid thing it was to say to her.

They never found his wedding ring for her.

At the funeral, they had a 7 gun salute. Half the shells were given to her, wrapped in the flag that covered his casket. The remaining 3 were given to his parents.

It was a closed casket. I think only Becky’s mom looked while in El Paso. She could do that. She had the stomach to handle these things. I nearly vomited getting the call.

Time moved forward, it always does. I went on trips with Jay, continued to work, continued to try to have a child. Becky used the life insurence to buy a car and a house. At least a mortgage would not be held over her.

She was pressured by his family to sue the railroad company. The family of the other solider killed did sue. She refused. It doesn’t matter what I thought at the time, I was there to support her choice.

I visited as often as I could. I’ve watched Emma and Sam grow up. They came out here when Soleil was a baby. Sam and Becky came out in 2005. We visit every Christmas.

Yet for Corey, time is frozen. He is always 29, less than a month from 30. He is always wearing that smile. He is always a few more exams from applying to officer school. He is always in Texas, away from the hockey that he loved.

All of this came to my thoughts last night as I looked at this photo on our fridge.

* I changed the kids names.

That is all

Yes, Soleil woke at 5am. And then Luna did.

I am exhausted. How the hell do they have so much energy? All of the polly pocket princesses are on the floor of Luna’s room. There is a chess matching going on ( white appears to be winning) and Diego books everywhere.

Oy! I am going to have a long day!

Update- Day is not getting better. Low point? Perhaps it was the point when Soleil dropped her chocolate milk in Panera. Or when Luna had an accident outside of the restroom at the Hardware store when I was ordering a new toilet? No, I think the last one was irony, not a low point. Nothing like a toddler sobbing “I’m sorry” while you are assuring her it was okay while lysoling someone else’s floor.

Update2: Or perhaps the low point is Jay telling me that he may be allergic to the remicaid. Today is his last dose as he started a rash today during his infusion. Oh hell.. This was the only thing even giving him some relief… I want to cry…

Update 3: Jay’s rash is…well..unknown. Maybe a withdrawal symptom? Maybe an allergy? Maybe psoriasis? G-d only knows. The thing I do know is that he is talking to his dad and not curled up on the couch in pain like the last few nights.

Soleil lost her bedtime TV by refusing to listen and deliberately defying me after I explained the situation. This lead to the following conversation at bedtime:

me: Honey, you need to pee before bed.
Soleil: NO!
me: I really want you to go to the potty before bed.
Soleil: YOU CAN’T MAKE ME!!
me: No, I can’t, but if you wake up over night and have an accident on your bed, that is your fault, not mine.
Soleil: (eyes wide and nostrils flaring) FINE! I’m using YOUR potty! (and turns and runs to the master bathroom)

Hello? is she having her 5th birthday next month or her 15th? I refused to allow her to drag me into a power struggle. I am way too tired and scared for Jay…
Sigh….

Tomorrow will be better….

You may have noticed a dearth of posts about sleep. Yes, there is light at the end of the tunnel, Virgina! For Luna, is now sleeping from 9pm to 6:45am on a regular basis (excepting the fact that we ran out of diapers and she’s been sleeping in her "feel and learn" pull-ups and for some reason is waking in the middle of the night when she pees. Hmm, maybe some diapers are in order?)

Soleil comes into our room and climbs into bed about 4 times a week. But she falls asleep very quickly and we can move her back to her room at our leisure.

We have been fighting sleep issues since Soleil was born. We had multiple wake ups for 2+ years, then Luna for 1.5 more years. We have had issues with naps, and issues with bedtimes. We are finally at a point where we can almost consistently get 8 hours of sleep ourselves. And we are almost done with the ten million pieces of assvice of how to get our kids to sleep!

And this is nice. I am glad that we are finally sleeping.