It’s been a terribly long week.
Luna’s been fevering
Dr. Jay has been feeling ill.
Last night, Jay had a horrible vertigo attack. The current thought is: Meniere’s disease, however, we need to have an MRI done on tuesday to rule out the "scary" things. Not going there. Okay? I am not going there.
I have to get through until Sunday… We have a Girl Scout event on Sunday that I have been helping organize. Worried that it will totally suck.
Okay- focus on the good things. Focus on the good things.
The panic attacks have started again. I know why. I don’t know how to stop them.
Someone said an offhand comment that cut to the fiber of my being. I won’t go into details here, but yeah, I’m pissed. And it set me into small panics about life. I need to stop these.
I understand why I am uncomfortable at work. It is personal, and not professional. I need to just ignore the words of someone that I feel that I want to impress. I have considered other jobs, but I am not ready to make that jump yet…
I am feeling good about parenting as of late. Luna is working on her screaming. Our system of giving a check mark for no screaming and a second check mark for good behavior has been helping. I think a Halloween party for her is on the horizon! Soleil has been working on several things, and she is comfortable discussing the tough stuff with us. For example, she was goofing at school and got in trouble. She needed to get it out because it was bothering her. She told us, we asked if she felt she was treated unfairly, she said no and we said, good. It’s done. Don’t do it again. And that was that.
On the health front, it has been tricky. I need to exercise more. I like the T-Tapp because it is definitely calming the depression, but right now, I haven’t been able to fit it in my life. I need to get it back in( I have been doing the shorter one more often, but I really want to get the long one in. Maybe I should focus on doing the 15 minute one every other day for a few weeks then moving in the longer one when I can)
On the house front, we are stalled. We are awaiting the windows. This means that our house is damned cold because we can’t get the insulation in until the windows and siding are up (town regs). The addition is open to the outdoors, and then opens to our house. We are getting into the 50s downstairs and low 60s upstairs in the morning. Brrrrr. So we haven’t bothered to turn on the heat so we don’t waste the energy. The windows should arrive by the 20th, although the largest window may not make it until a week later. Don’t get me started on what is causing the delay…NONE of these windows are custom sized. They are all stock sizes from pella.
Blog reading? HA HA HA HA! I barely get time to write in my own blog, not to mention reading everyone else’s. It will pass. I will find time.
Girl Scouts? Yeah- right now that is taking a lot of energy. More later on that.
It’s hard being yourself. Stick to it.
Yeah, my happy go luck stalker* is back. HI JULIE!
At least, her actions in the past have indicated that this is probably her. There was a comment sent on my last post. I removed it. The comment was that Luna has a severe mental disorder. Um, no, she is a headstrong, manipulative kid who is learning to define the line between control and self-discpline. She is a wonderfully insightful person who can be a royal pain in the ass at times.
I had to take a break. When I got the comment, I was pissed. I went to my stat meter and found that the person came in from "covermyass.com". Yes, and this from a "grandmother" who was concerned that Luna was the same as her grandchild.
Listen, Julie. Seriously? Honey, we stopped talking in 2004. Remember? Let it go. If you can’t, then go see a shrink. I’ve been there as you constantly send little reminders about how mentally ill I am. You are too.
Let it go. I was more upset that you still bother to come here, but you can’t make me doubt myself. Your words piss me off and then I feel sorry for you. Get over it. Life is too short and my children are too unique to let you bother me with your petty shit. I am happy. I love my kids even though they can be difficult. Love is not praising every rainbow that comes out. Love is helping your children become a happy, kind person.
Go away, you’re not welcome here.
* if you want the password, please email me thespacemom@gmail.com
Our newspaper includes the Parade magazine. I saw this week had Tony Blair writing about "Why Faith Matters". I disagreed with almost all of his arguments.
It made me think why? Why does faith not matter to me? I think it is simple to me. Chaos. I understand chaos and entropy. I understand that the natural state of the universe is to move from ordered to unordered. From clean to messy, from organized to haphazard. What does this have to do with faith?
Well, let’s take a simple example: let’s say I have a family member who is sick. okay, what if this person is really sick? I mean, maybe fatal sick? Many people will turn to religion for comfort. While I may be very very angry at the universe and life in general, the best I can do is help the family member by fighting chaos. I would try to find out what treatments are available. Talk with the doctors, learn pain management and possible end of life care. Having faith in a deity to do the right thing (whatever it might be) isn’t going to change the outcome (not in my mind), so the best I can do is fight the chaos with organization. Does this mean people who have faith are doing it wrong? Hell, no! But this is why I don’t feel faith matters. I could pray, but I don’t think that a fair deity would jump up and say "Good Golly! I should have helped that person! Let me reach down there and fix the situation." If you are faithful, it probably does help you to have a person(?) to talk to and ask for help and strength.
But I am not faithful. I have to find the strength within. Sometimes I can’t. Sometimes I can.
This weekend is Yom Kippur: the holiest High Holiday in Judiasm (although I agree with Soleil that Shabbot is the holiest of days in Judiasm). The day where you atone for the misbehaviors of the past year and pledge to do better. The day G-d writes down in the book of life who shall live and who shall die in the next year. I am going to Temple on Saturday with my family. Not to pray or fast. To handle childcare. Because it just doesn’t make sense to me. I don’t believe that a G-d decided one day "Okay Jose* and Gene*, Today you are going to DIE!" and somehow created the series of events that caused my best friend to become a widow because Jose never saw the train as he turned a corner and crossed the tracks. At the time, I was angry with G-d, but now I realize that there is nobody to be angry with. It happened. Nobody could have stopped it. Nothing controlled the series of events.
I have trouble believing that any deity that has the power to create life is willing to make such a fragile life. DNA mishaps, hidden diseases, stillborn children, these are not the work of a deity. This is the work of nature and physics. Chaos reigns in the creation of life. How many women have miscarriages and never realize that the egg fertilized, but the implant was rejected? Or the egg implanted and stopped growing, and stopped producing the progesterone that would prevent their period? I just haven’t got the ability to accept that a deity would do this.
What deity would create broken bodies and minds? Why create challenges when simply trying to get through life is difficult enough? Why would any woman be born with the inability to have children if the deity requires people to reproduce? Why would any deity create depression, manic-depressive episodes, migraines, schizophrenia? Why allow for the possibility of cancer, cystic fibrosis, or spinobifidea?
I just can’t accept these major flaws in humans. Perhaps I think too much. Perhaps I truly am a lost soul. Perhaps I am not willing to accept that any deity would kick out a soul that failed to truly worship Him in that sense. I don’t really believe in heaven or hell. It’s just too draconian for me.
I do believe in the cosmic soup. I do believe that amino acids from comets may be one of the reasons we are alive today.
I believe the age of clusters, of galaxies and I believe in the Cosmic Ray Background.
I believe the age of the universe is 15 billion years. I reject the biblical age of 6000 years.
I refuse to accept AD any more. I can only see CE and BCE. I cannot divide historical times based on a singular religion.
My faith in science and evidence is stronger than my faith in any religion.
I do believe that we ignore the insects on our planet, those small lives that we squish without thought because they are ugly and annoying, yet have been around for millions of years. We are but a blip in our universe. How can I reject the evidence before me to have faith in a deity?
*Not the real names. They died in 2000, just before Gene’s 30th birthday. His son was 2 and a half and his daughter was 7 months old.
This week, I have my annual performance review. Because I work for the government For some idiotic reason, several years ago, someone came up with the brilliant asinine idea of having everyone do their performance reviews before October 1 to be in sync with the fiscal year. So instead of a nice staggered pace, our overworked admins get slammed in September while everyone is struggling to get their reviews in.
I am at a loss here. The last few months (about 18) have been not as much fun. I have been working here for 14 years as of June (shut UP. One old person joke and I will find you!) and I am really not thrilled. So why is this?
I have been pondering this question for the past few days and I have found some answers:
Anyway, I am pondering what to do. Obviously I will continue with my position until June. Then I hit 15 years and I get 8 hours of vacation for each 80 hours worked! Woot! (yes we have bumps at 3 years and 15, that’s it)
We will see…I just don’t know where I am heading.
So, here are week 2 results. I am kinda of shocked to realize that I have lost over 10 inches over all, but that is all over my body. The biggest shock is that my abdomen is 4 inches smaller in circumference. Really? Why don’t my pants fit better? Oh yeah, my hips are… 1/2 down. That’s like, Um, nothing.
But, I started working on the actual workout, which runs 16 minutes, a bit faster than the instructional video. I am currently ripping the instructional video to ipod format so can put it on my blackberry and have it for travel. Easier than remembering the DVD.
My goal is to fit into my smaller clothes. You know, the pants and shorts I USED to fit into. Even after having Luna? Yeah.. wish me luck on that!
I went to TJ Maxx and got a natural bristle brush and I started the dry brushing stuff today. Again, I have NO scientific evidence that this will work. We will simply have to wait and see. Sigh. I hate that.
I do feel like I have a little more energy, but I am not sure if that is real or not. It is such a difficult thing to quantify. I’ll have to stick to qualitative for now. I have been sleeping better, but it does help not to have poison ivy or lack of breathing waking one up.
So, we wait and see…
|
Measurement |
Week 1 | Week 2 | Week 3 | Week 4 | Week 5 |
| Bust: fullest point | -3/4 in | -1/2 in | |||
| Pecs:just above bust line | -1/2 in | -3/8 in | |||
| Ribs:top of rib cage below bust | -1/2 in | -1/2 in | |||
| Waist:at navel | +1/2 in | -1 in | |||
| Abdomen: three inches below navel in line with hip bones | -2 1/2 in | -1 1/2 in | |||
| Hips:tighten butt and fullest point | 0 in | -1/2 in | |||
| Upper Thighs:just below butt cheek | R: 0 L:-1/4in | R:-1/2in L:-1/4in | |||
| Lower Thighs: 2 in above knee cap | R:-1in L:-1 in | R:0 L:0 | |||
| Calves:fullest point | R:0in L:-1/2in | R:0 L:+1/4in | |||
| Upper Arms:below deltoids | R:1/4in L:0 | R:0 L:0 | |||
| TOTALS: | -5 3/4 in |
-4 7/8 in (-10 5/8 in since start) |
Okay- this totally sucks. The rash? Yes, it is poison ivy. You see, I knew I was working with it (Poison Ivy), but then I got stung. And when one is allergic to bees and gets stung, the first thought is "Hm, I should probably go use that epipen I paid good money to sit around the house". One doesn’t think " Perhaps I should take a nice cold shower and remove all of the poison ivy oil off of my body before I go to the ER and stop breathing". * Note I never stopped breathing. Drama Queen is kicking in to exaggerate today* Anyway, Perhaps I should have. Taken a shower, that is. I am currently at work with a small, yet lovely container of oatmeal and baking soda paste next to me. I am placing it on my mild poison ivy rash on my arms and on leg. Some points are fine, others itch like hell.
The two worse patches on my arm, I actually remember the ivy touching my skin. I remember saying, "I have got to shower and use some olive oil so it will bind to the ivy oil and remove it". Then I got stung on the ear. I did drop the gloves I was wearing (those gloves are getting thrown out along with the socks I was wearing). However, somewhere between the realization that this might be a good time to use the local ER and the time I was back home nursing a pained chest and a mightily bruised arm from an IV, I touched poison ivy oil to my back. And my other arm. And my leg. In my defense, I did rub rubbing alcohol all over my arms when I got home from the hospital before I showered to try to remove any oils. By that time, it was too late.
Oh my Lord, this stuff is terrible! The blisters look like regular blisters, but they feel like rubber. The itch is amazing. It’s like someone took a tiny anthill of microscopic fire ants and injected them under your skin. But if you scratch, you will break the blisters and then you will scar and possibly get infections.
I had one of the larger blisters on my arm break. I foolishly tried to "drain" (note, appropriate quotes) the blister with a needle. This is after I disinfected the needle with rubbing alcohol.Unfortunately, the release of pressure caused the entire blister to burst and I now have an open cut to both keep dry and try not to get infected. Lovely.
I think the worst part of all of this is the delayed reaction. Because my allergist put me on steroids for the anaphalaxis, I think that delayed and hopefully, reduced the reaction to the poison ivy. So I feel like I have been deal with first the bee sting and subsequent scare and now I am a hideous mass of blisters. Itchy blisters. My back has a 4×4 inch blister and a 10×8 inch patch of red. Ick.
Being the good mother I am, today my kids were complaining that swimming was too cold in the morning. I snapped "what doesn’t kill you only makes you stronger". Soleil quickly retorted, "How does the poison ivy make you stronger?" I said "Next time, I pay someone to remove the ivy"
To be honest and not so much drama, the Internet has taught me two things: 1) I have a very mild case of poison ivy and 2) if I try some of the home remedies, the rash should go away in 2-3 weeks, if I leave it alone, it will go away in 14-21 days.
Sigh
We are planning an addition. (As if I haven’t mentioned it before, or maybe I haven’t). Anyway, part of the work is to clear the woods up just a bit, 10′ or so, and we are going to plant grass when the work is done. I started on the clean up of the area that will become grass. We have poison ivy back there and lots of downed branches, decomposing stuff, you get the idea.
So Sunday, I took 2 hours out to work on this. Nice… I was making some very nice progress. I had cleared about 30 ft across, 10 feet back when I heard a buzz by my ear, I immediately moved away, but was stung. Crap. First, it’s been 14 years since I was last stung. Second, it hurt!
I went inside and I thought Dr. Jay was still taking his shower. The girls were having Pokemon battles. I called up for them to get Dad as this was an emergency. Luna came over and said "did you get stung by a bee?" and I replied yes. They ran. Within 1 min, Jay had given me benedryl and I had stabbed my thigh with an expired epipen.
The girls got right into the car as asked and we drove to the closest ER (10 min away). I was breathing slowly and calmly. Keeping the girls calm was the important part. Soleil asked if this was the kind of bee sting that could kill me. I said yes, but we are doing all of the right things, so I would be fine.
Jay dropped me off at ER, and he went to park the car. The triage woman was taking in 2 other patients, so I waited for a few minutes. Jay came in, but the girls wanted to stay outside. I said fine. Then shit hit the fan, my throat started to swell and it felt like someone had poured cement down it. I was gasping for air and couldn’t talk much. Jay yelled that we needed a doctor since I was having trouble breathing. I still don’t know how, but I was on a stretcher, wheeled off somewhere, stabbed with an IV, and asked questions. At first, I couldn’t answer. It was so hard to get air. After a few minutes, my throat eased enough for me to talk.
The majority of the time in ER, I just closed my eyes and rested. I did everything right, including using whatever epipen I had, expired or not. I did ask if my kids could see that I was fine and the doctor let them come back once everything was stable. Dr. Jay then took them out to McDonald’s, let them have ice cream and go play with the ferrets at the pet store! They loved that. I was discharged within 2 hours and Jay came back to pick me up. I was alternating between hyped (epinephrine) and tired (benedryl). I took a shower and rested.
To be honest, I was more scared that the kids would freak. I am glad they took it in stride. I am still having after effects, mostly my tongue and throat are swollen, and my left arm is bruised to the max from the IV. I am doing better.
I am glad I knew I was allergic to bees. I don’t want to ever have that feeling of gasping for air again.
Things are getting almost back to order in Casa de Space. Dr. Jay has stopped fevering, although he did go to his GI doctor’s office to get a liter of saline pumped in directly. He normally gets 1/2 liter with his medicine (it’s an IV infusion) and he said he normally has to pee like a racehorse after his infusion. Yesterday, he went several hours without, so he had been pretty dehydrated. Since his Crohn’s medication suppresses his immune system, fevers can be very dangerous to him. Basically, his body has less of a chance to fight off any viral infection. When he has a bacterial infection, he needs to take antibiotics, something he hates to do. A viral is completely different.
We were in constant contact with his GI doctor. He is one of the leading researchers in Crohn’s disease and he is very careful about the side effects of the medications. He had a list of items that we were to call him immediately for, including rash. Fortunately, Dr. Jay never got any worse than 100.7 and we think he is on the mend. He did lose 6 lbs.! Man, if only it were as easy as getting sick for a week! 
Bad segue:
I am very proud of myself lately. This is one of those "personal advancement" moments, actually, 2 of them. The first was a few weeks ago. My Girl Scout co-leader and I were planning our parent meeting. We came upon the issue of car seats. I admit, I don’t find car seats and boosters useful after a certain point. I find it a case of too much law, not enough statistics. Most of the studies are done on kids in car seats versus kids not in car seats. That latter category includes kids without seat belts too. Also, a seat belt works properly when it falls properly. In my car, it falls on both kids properly in the back, but I still have them both in car seats. I do let my kids ride in the front, with the car seat, because our airbags turn off and the seat belt falls over their hip bones and on the shoulder properly. I base my decision on physics.
The Massachusetts Law is pretty simple. In a booster until 8 years old OR 57 inches tall. Soleil and one other girl are the young ones in our troop. They turn 8 over the summer. I was planning to ask who wants their child still in a booster. My co-leader wanted to ask who doesn’t need to be in a booster.
After going back and forth on it, she did point out that she didn’t understand why I was so passionate about this. That made me stop. The truth is, I am passionate about it because I worry about keeping our kids too protected. I worry about the world saying a 19 year old drinking is a kid and a 17 year old who commits a violent crime is an adult. We place our kids in tiny boxes and then expect them to be able to handle the world.
BUT, that’s my grief. I don’t need to place that on other people. My co-leader is protective of her kids, and she has good reasons. Her daughter survived a very nasty accident involving a tree branch hitting her head. You never want to hear the words "neurosurgeon" and "child" together. She and the other parents in the troop have every right to choose how they want their kids to use the safety seats. Even if her daughter never had that accident, she still has every right to keep her kids in car seats past the legal age. I agreed with her to place it in the situation that we will place a child in a booster unless the parent says otherwise.
I am very proud of myself for stopping and saying "It’s my issue. If I feel other parents are over protective, that is not for me to change. I can do the things I feel are right for my kids and they can do the things that are right for their kids." It sounds simple, but when you think of how we all criticize other parents, I am pretty proud of myself for letting this go.
The second thing happened yesterday. Over the weekend, we had a spacecraft emergency. The spacecraft put itself in a safe position (at 11 at night because it never does this in the middle of a work day). While reviewing the telemetry from the spacecraft, it turns out that we happened to start communicating with the spacecraft AS it was going through its safing actions. I was confused on one item and emailed my team. When I got the answer back, I felt like an ass for asking. I got an email yesterday from my supervisor that I have trouble communicating with. He wanted me to review the safing actions.
I was furious. Okay, I made a mistake. So what? I then took a deep breath. I reread the email. This time? I was calm. We haven’t had a safing action in almost 2 years. I had forgotten something. It’s good to go back over the information. It’s not that he was chiding me, I was doing that to myself and channeling my anger at myself as coming from him. I was able to stop, recognize this and move on.
Yea me!
So that’s the update from the Spacefamily. We got haircuts for the girls this weekend, donations actually. I hope to have 5 minutes to download the photos later. They look so cool with short hair. Soleil donated 10-12 inches and Luna about 6 (We donate to Wigs for Kids). I am not sure they can use Luna’s but, dang, she needed to lose some hair!
As children we are encouraged to march to our own drummer. Be different! Don’t follow the herd! Be unique! Don’t be like everybody else.
As parents, we encourage our children to think outside of the box. In the case of Soleil, the box is in and entirely different room, but still, we encourage individuality in our children.
But…are people okay with being individuals?
Okay, Nance (you are saying in your head). What the hell are you talking about?
I am very unique. I am not the average person.
I am a woman who loves sports.
I don’t wear high heels and skirts much
I am not a good girly girl
I work in astronomy, but I don’t have a PhD or just a Bachelor’s degree, I have a Master’s Degree which has long been considered a failure of a PhD. (Those who fail to pass the qualifying exam get a Master’s Degree and are sent on their way.)
I am married to a Jewish man and raising Jewish children, but I am not Jewish. Hell, I think I am more atheist than anything else.
I like home decorating and home remodeling.
I like to paint my nails and get them dirty.
I am a girl Scout leader who is teaching to girls to respect the world and themselves, but to not be afraid to question and not be a sheep.
Most of the time, I enjoy being the odd ball. I work mostly with men. I was at a meeting yesterday with only one other woman about of 12 people. My team has never had another female on it and in most meetings, I am the only female.
I don’t mind lewd jokes and the only time I feel harassed is when I see blatant discrimination against women (one person at work is extremely harsh on female parents).
But yesterday, I was slammed with not fitting in. And I was terribly hurt. And it isn’t anyone’s fault, but just a rejection of me for not fitting in.
I was offered a position on the Board of Trustees at our Temple. I was very honored. I was told several people offered my name for nomination. And I thought "This is an opportunity to step up and give the interfaith families a voice!" I could express our concerns and the recent push by the Union of Reform Judaism’s push for conversion of interfaith spouses.
When this was offered, I did express concern that I am not Jewish. I have never felt that I should convert. It would be lying to convert. I am concerned about the Jewish community. I am concerned about Jewish history. My children are Jewish. They have Jewish blood in their veins, they are proud to be Jewish and they love what they are learning about their heritage.
I was told yesterday, that the offer to serve on the Board of Trustees was retracted. Only Jews may serve on that Board. I understand it. Really I do! It would be like an Italian serving a leadership role in the French-American society. I can’t pretend to be what I am not.
And to be perfectly honest? I was really hurt by this. I didn’t realize how much being myself and having a separate rhythm leaves me excluded. I can’t help bring forth my ideas, because I don’t fit in. I sometimes feel odd at "girls night out" event because I am not very girl. (There is high irony in that statement as I am writing this on a plane on the way to a women’s weekend away!) I have been called Dr. Spacemom by some people and when i correct them, they are surprised that I don’t fit what they think I am and who I am.
I will get over the hurt. I am not sure if I should fight for the right for a non-voting member of the Board of Trustees to be added for interfaith families.
So is it good to be the square peg in a world of round holes? Should we push our children to be individuals? What about the pain? Do we ever consider that?