Category Archives: Nance

I AM writing more!

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Yes, I know, it looks like I am not writing all that much, but really, I am writing more. We had a long weekend this week and when I say long, I mean OMG we just spent 2 weeks together as a family and I am not sure we will survive having to do this again for 4 days. We did a trip to the Museum of Science on Friday. Our town seems to think that having school on MLKJr. Weekend is a tragedy, so we get a half day on Thursday and a day off on Friday in addition to Monday. I had the kids go to the town rec center in the morning on Friday and then we met a friend at the Museum of Science in Boston. Fortunately, it was not a terrible madhouse. Most schools had classes in session. We were specifically there for the Harry Potter exhibit. My children have gotten into this in a serious way and it is quite frustrating to spent $23 a kid to go see the exhibit. It was nice and cool to see all of the costumes and props. It was well done, but…but… it doesn’t belong in a science museum. If they had bothered to explain HOW they make Wizard photographs. Or HOW they make Hagrid look so big, or, my personal favorite, how they film Harry riding a broom, then I could see a science connection. The Science of special effects. That’s all they needed to add in. They didn’t. It was a wonderful display of costumes and props and such.

We did have an exciting weekend, however, even with my lack of science love. Soleil had a hockey game bright and early at 6 am Saturday. Then Luna had her ice skating competition. She won first place out of two again! Way to go girl! Again we had some grumblings from Soleil because she never gets a medal for her stuff, but we are stressing the importance of being herself.

 

As a family, we actually do a great job, but we do need to start getting some of our crap together. For example, dinners. The girls are very picky. We started the "here, have PB&J if you don’t like what we are eating" and it happens often. I have decided that we, as a family, have to start expanding the dinner options. I want to list some of our favorite foods and create dinners that the girls will try if not eat. I want to have healthy options if they don’t like what we are having, but they have to be easy for the girls to get themselves.

And bedtime has been a nightmare. Ok, let’s not beat around the bush, sleep has been hell in our household since day 1. When Soleil first slept through the night for more than 1 night , it was when she was almost 3. She often won’t go to bed until she’s been snuggled several times. We need this to stop. I need my time, Jay needs together time… sigh…

So my goals are to start working on these issues. Move ahead slowly… slowly, but surely.

 

And just for your eye candy, check out these photos of Luna skating!

 

 

Soleil bought the flowers!

 

Why the long face?

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I met with a friend last night and she asked if everything was okay in general. She noted that many of my faceboook posts are about stress and frustration. She noted about my post about finding me… So of course, I thought about this last night.

I am a very easy person to understand. If it isn’t perfect, I am not happy. Sad, I know. I can’t imagine where Soleil got her perfectionism. So I am constantly striving for improvement. Being more efficient at work, having the house neater, cleaning better, exercising better, losing the thyroid weight, yada yada yada

So most of my stresses are self induced. This is so sad. I just don’t know how to find time to do everything. I want to be the best mom, the best wife, the best worker, be healthy, eat well, exercise, read more…. You see the point.

I am working on relaxing my need for perfection. For example, I just asked my troop if I could beg off the camping weekend. I am trained for camping, but there is one other adult who is trained. I stayed overnight last year, but I really would love to sleep in my own bed at home this year. And I think both girls will go during the day, so I could stay at home and be with Dr. Jay during the day. What a concept!

I am also relaxing more about work. Let’s just not stress about getting 8 hours of work done in the 8 hour work day. I work on weekends and Mondays without pay. The jobs get done when they get done. I can’t stress myself over this anymore. There was an incident earlier in 2009 that set me into this mode, and we suddenly had to account for every minute of our work day, and these two things combined to add that stress. Go away stress.

I still worry about the kids and try to yell less, and snuggle more, but that is hard.

So yeah, I am constantly in worry and stress mode(sort of). Except for when things work. Like last weekend, when we won the opportunity to skate at Fenway Park (yes! Ice Skate. In a baseball stadium!). I had bought some raffle tickets as a donation and was shocked that we won. It was perfect. Literally perfect. The girls and Jay and I enjoyed the ice time. It was GREAT!

So there are many times that I am a happy person, but it is easier to get out my stress by writing about it.

 

Post-LASIK…not for the squeamish

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I am serious, this is not for people, like me, who are squeamish. However, if you like gore, this is a tale for you.

(Disclaimer: no eyeballs were destroyed in the making of this post. Damaged, hurt, cut, suctioned, yes. But not destroyed)

Thursday is temple school day for my girls. They go after school to our temple and are schooled in the religion. Yeah, I know, atheist and all that, I agreed at our wedding (and before) that we would raise our children Jewish…ANYWAY, Jay had to pick up the kids at 5:30. My surgery was for 5:45. He drove me there and let me go once we had a rough idea of when things would happen. As it was, I would go in at 6:15. Good thing because this meant Jay had plenty of time for the kids to get fed, watered and played out before coming to get me.

I met with the doctor and we went over any last minute questions (Will I lose my eyesight forever? Will I have regrets? Dear God it is my EYES you are about to cut!) and I signed all of the paperwork. At 5:30 I took the little Valium pill. With coffee. In retrospect, caffeine (a stimulant) should not go with Valium. But I was NERVOUS. I wasn’t thinking.

When it was my turn, I went to the back to get a hairnet and bunny boots. We don’t want any stray fibers to come by while the laser is burning holes in my eyes reshaping the cornea. They had listened well to my warning that I am allergic to Betadine, a common tool of surgery to sterilize skin. Instead, they used other gentle chemicals to clean my skin prior to surgery.

The first thing was massive amounts of numbing drops, so you don’t feel anything. Then they tape one eye shut and work on the first eye. In my case, we used the Intralase Method which basically means they used a laser to cut a flap in my cornea. Of course, to do this a suction ring is attached to the white of your eye. This then sucks your eye forward to allow for a clean cut. (I TOLD YOU IT WAS GROSS!). This was really really really uncomfortable because a) dude, they are sucking your eyeball out! b) you actually lose vision at maximum suction c) they are SUCKING YOUR EYEBALL OUT OF THE SOCKET! Then it was laser time… OR SO I THOUGHT!

Once you cut that little flap, you have to move it out of the way. This took a good 3 minutes. At the time, there is something holding my eye open, my lashed are head back with surgical tape and I can see this probe POKING MY EYEBALL. Of course, I am starting straight at the little blinking light so I am facing my eye in the right direction, but ICK! When he finally got it properly pushed out of the way, the lasik part started.

The machine started a fwap sound and I was warning that I needed to stare at the blinking orange light. Okay. Will do. Then I could see a blueish purple light zapping around the periphery of my eye. I mentioned this later to my doctor and he said "yes that was the laser and you are the first patient who ever saw it!", great! Whoo hoo! I can see 193nm!

Then we put the flap back,which was only about 2 minutes of agony. And then onto the left eye.

The left eye was worse and the suction bit really bothered me much more. My vision was incredibly fuzzy when I was allowed to leave and the drive home (yes, Jay drove) was terrible. Every streetlight hurt even though I was wearing sunglasses (cue Corey Hart)

Fortunately, the Buffalo Bills have been doing better, and they were on Thursday night football, so Jay set up the TV so I could listen and leave the screen off. (and you were wondering what the Bills had to with this!) I took several Advil and rested. I have to wear these eye shields at night to protect my eyes. This way, I won’t rub my eyes by accident

Today, I had my post-op appointment. Both eyes can see 20/20 alone. Together, I could see 20/16 and read half of the 20/12 line. I do have a haze all over my vision which is due to the fluid between the flap and the rest of the cornea. I am told this gets better. To be honest, this is one of the things I am terrified of, to have a permanent damage, but those who have had this done agree the hazy goes away.

I have one other side effect from all of this: suction hemorrhages. The suction ring bruised my eyeballs and I have a ring of subconjunctival hemorrhages on both eyes. To be fair, I bruise easily so this isn’t a big surprise, but when I showed Luna she was fairly grossed out. "COOL! Can I see it again? That is so gross Mommy!"

Now my eyes are tired and I think I’ll go rest and listen to the Sabre game.

So there you have it. I was scared to death, and I would not like to do it again, but my vision is now better than it was with glasses (I had 20/16 only on the optical axis of the glasses. If I wasn’t looking down the center, it was worse) and much better than with contacts.

Wow. That is all I can say is WOW.

Gratitude

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As the American Thanksgiving weekend comes to a close, I have to think about gratitude. I make no bones about being atheist. I don’t hide this from my friends, or my children. I also don’t make it a big deal. However, when being grateful, or thankful, one generally have some one or thing that they are passing their gratitude to. I don’t have a God, so I will simply thank dumb luck for what I have

  • I am thankful that I have two wonderful children. I was so fortunate to overcome infertility to have biological children, but even if that didn’t work, I would have been thankful for any child that I could love and raise.
  • I am thankful that I have a house to live in. Many Americans are terrified of losing their homes during the current economic crisis.
  • I am thankful that I have good friends who are willing to help out when I need it. Thank You L, for stepping up and taking the kids for the night when I couldn’t handle the stress of being mom for that night.
  • I am thankful I live in a country where I have the freedom to both thank our Troops, who are fighting a terrible fight, and yet still be opposed to their mission.
  • I am thankful that I was able to go to college and get a BS in my true love Astronomy. I am even more thankful for the people who helped me get my Master’s Degree as well.
  • I am thankful that both Jay and I have jobs that allow us to expand our knowledge base. We could both leave our current positions for more pay elsewhere, but the pure knowledge and challenge keeps us going.
  • I am thankful that a combination of good luck, and hard work has allowed us to be in the upper middle economic class.
  • I am thankful that I am often reminded of the lower classes and how much luck plays into that, and how I should not forget to help those who need.
  • I am thankful I live in the United States. We are a wealthy country in money, knowledge, arts, and freedom. Of all of the places in the world I could have been born a citizen to, this is my favorite.
  • I am thankful that my girls, and Jay and I all are in reasonable health. There may be some Crohn’s complications down the road for Jay, and I do worry about Soleil perhaps having it as well, but they are healthy. I am very thankful that my thyroid disease is starting to get under control again and that cancer of the thyroid was ruled out.
  • I am thankful that my depression has been under control this year. Last year, I had a terrible, deep hole that was hard to dig out of. This year, I have managed it with medication and exercise. I hope to continue to avoid another crash, although I know that it will eventually happen.
  • I am most thankful for my husband, my soul mate, my love, Jay. He understands me, he lets me be me, and he sucks it up when I can’t always be there for his needs. I cannot express how much of my happiness is dependent on this man.
  • And lastly, I am thankful for you, my readers. I know I will never be Dooce, or Cecily, but I don’t strive to be. You allow me to get out of my soul what I need to say, and for that, I thank you.

A study of stress

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Do you see a theme here? I certainly do.

A friend of mine (I consider her an IRL friend even though we’ve only met once. We’ve been cyber friends forever), mentioned that I am asking to distress, but not doing it. And she is right. This has lead me to stop and have an introspective of stress. What are my stresses?

I am usually my worst enemy when it comes to stress. I push myself and push myself. I never like to sit and relax. I need to move and move and move. Hell, even now I need to type while watching a hockey game. I am also a perfectionist. I need to get things just perfect. Imagine how I felt today when I let Soleil shape the loaf of bread that I was making. A year ago, I would have been hyperventilating!

So here’s my analysis:

  • My immediate supervisor has lost it. Totally lost it. He is acting insane and I strongly believe this is why my office mate switched to another job. Recently, I made a mistake and sent an email to the wrong  address. I immediately got an email back from him reprimanding me for not being careful and sending this out without checking my email. I would have expected this sort of response if I had made it a habit to accidental send out emails, but  this was the first time in 6 years I made a mistake with this email.
  • I work 32 hours a week. Correction, I get PAID for 32 hours a week. I work closer to 40-45. This is frustrating because I am tethered to my blackberry often. I am on call every 3 weeks and hopefully we can move it back to once every 4 weeks. This is often a tough week when things go wrong. Somehow I need to remind my supervisor that I work 32 hours a week. And yes, I do check in on my off days, and on weekends. But I want to remind him I am taking a pay cut to be at home on Mondays, so he needs to remember that I don’t HAVE to check in.
  • I worry too much about being the perfect mom. I feel that working makes it hard for me to be with the kids. However, when I am with the kids, they don’t want me. I am a Girl Scout Leader, I am helping with the young family group in our temple, I try to work with kids. Am I doing too much? Maybe.
  • My kids don’t sleep. I still invite any one who cruises to please come over tonight and get Soleil to sleep before 10:30 without yelling, threatening or  belittling.
  • My medications are off. Yes, seriously. My thyroid is all over the place. I was hyperthyroid in June, then hypo thyroid in August. We are trying to fix this, but I am having insomnia once every 3 nights right now. (This is down from 2 to 3 weeks from April-June). And I have gained a ton of weight since we discovered my meds were off.
  • I always feel I need to get things done.

So now I need to work on reducing this stress. For right now? I am going to close the computer, my eyes and rest and listen to the TV. 

Making time

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This past weekend was wonderful. We had my friend Becky and her kids, S and E come visit. My girls were all over them! We played, we stayed up late, we bummed around the house, we went to the aquarium, we played at the beach, I think we did it all!

This is why I didn’t write! They were here until yesterday morning. That is when I could close up the mess at our house and start focusing on me again. Okay- Not REALLY. First, I need to focus that Soleil is turning 7 tomorrow! And we have a birthday party planned at our house Saturday. The theme, I kid you not, is "Science". So far, we have four experiments:

  1. Make Flubber from glue and borax: how a polymer changes into a matrix with basic chemistry
  2. Acids and bases: Using cabbage juice as a detector, show how common chemicals in the house have acidic or basic qualities.
  3. Which Lifesaver? Blind fold the child, Have them hold their nose while tasting a life saver candy. They won’t be able to determine the flavor! Have them unplug their nose and try it. How the senses are connected.
  4. Making some ice cream! Yum!: Using ice, salt, light cream and vanilla, have the children make their own ice cream. 

I am hoping to find a bottle to do the "egg in the bottle" trick and to do the vinegar and baking soda to inflate a balloon. That last one should be easy.

Then I am making a volcano cake (complete with exploding orange jello at the serving time) and we’ll have pizza as well.

I hope this works!

 

In other news, I skipped the gym Sat/Sun/Mon and Tues. Going today and hoping to make up for a very sloth self!

No risk here!

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Recently, I hear that someone got Dooced. That just sucks. Fortunately, there is very little risk of getting Dooced here because not that many people read my blog and those who are at work are even lower. So I can proceed with my post today with out fear, because there is very little Dooce risk here.

My office mate and co-worker is leaving this position next month. This is mightily stressful, but I am getting over that stress. Add in my fun depression and you can imagine the love here! Panic! Anxiety!

3 weeks ago, my supervisor and his supervisor, we’ll call them Frick and Frack wanted to meet with me. There was that work snafu during my vacation and then a few other slip ups lately. Also, I was freaking out about the whole "gah! We’re losing my co-worker" thing, so I had stopped up to talk to Frack about this. Due to various issues, this meeting was canceled and moved and all sorts of fun. 

Yesterday, we had this meeting. We did discuss the issues of why I got so overloaded with work earlier this year when my co-worker let the supervisors know that he was looking, but for obvious reasons, they couldn’t tell me, nor could they give him these tasks. But we did discuss two "failures"(?) I’ve had recently. Attention to detail. Productivity. Etc.

We came down with an agreement that I need to manage my time better, although they understood the stresses I’ve been under. I also received praise for how I handle some of the other work I have.

The oddest part of this is that I handled the entire meeting well. In the past, I would have burst into tears. I would take this as a reflection of who I am as a person. I would feel that I am useless and a waste of biomass.
This time, I explained what happened. I agreed that in both cases, I could have handled things better. As a group, we agreed that I need to work on better time management skills.  Then we moved on how to make our weekly tag ups more efficient.

Don’t get me wrong, I was certainly upset a bit that I had screwed up. The thing is, I am very proud of myself for just sucking up and saying, "okay, I messed up, let’s work on ways to avoid that in the future and move forward". I let a great deal of stress fall off of me by accepting this.

This was nice. I know that Frick and Frack aren’t about to fire me for a minor screw up. And I now know that I can forgive myself as well.
 

Hollow Bullets

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  • Luna is freaking me out. She was looking at the Sigg (aluminum) water bottle I bought her. She
    asked where the dents came from and I explained that she had dropped
    it. She then immediately said "Does that mean my bottle holds less
    drink than Soleil’s because I have more dents?" I asked why she thought that and she said "Because the dents take the space the drink would"
    I told her she was right. I don’t think I understood the displacement ideas of liquids until I was at least in 5th grade….
  • Yesterday, I put 50+ miles on my car while running around to book readings, temple school pickups and drop offs and a meeting with Soleil’s doctor.
  • I am still struggling with a work problem of what fraction of the Earth does our cold radiator (the part of our instrument that dumps heat out into space) sees. I am so fricken close…and then the geometry of the radiator comes in.
  • When leaving the doctor’s office yesterday, Jay and I were discussing our spacecraft and an upcoming meteor storm. If we get hit, it can damage us, so we were discussing this issue. The other people in the elevator got quiet and then started snickering. F off people! Someone has to be the rocket scientist.
  • My earlier freak out over Soleil was good. We have action and medical intervention that has helped a great deal.
  • I put myself on a 4 week weight loss/exercise challenge. Guess what? I did NOTHING! I suck
  • I did get a personal trainer set up for Monday. Goal #1, set up an exercise schedule and learn some free weights. I need a schedule that I can check off and say I did.
  • I have been sleeping like a rock. I fall asleep early and don’t wake up until well after the alarm. WTF?

Ch-Ch-Changes

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When I was a kid, my parents were helicopter parents. We didn’t have a word for it back then, but I always heard how things were not safe and how I would get hurt if I did something dangerous, like climb on a railing. Today, I run a very hard line. I try to give my kids the freedom to explore, but I am terrified of them getting hurt; I want them to be strong, but I want to be protecting them. I realize that these are counterproductive goals. To be strong, occasionally we need to get hurt, lick our wounds and move on.

While I was in the Girl Scouts as a kid, I was a scared little thing. I sucked at camping, I was terrified of hiking, spiders and their cousins, the daddy long legs, freak me out (note present tense) and in general, I was the scaredy cat of the whole troop.

This weekend, I did a 24 hour training, including tent camping, for Girl Scouts. It turns out that you need to have camp training to build a fire (I kid you NOT) and I want to make s’mores for the girls this year. Or smacoes (Chocolate chips, peanut butter chips, mini marshmallows, rolled in a tortilla and grilled. O-M-G, PMS heaven!). So I sucked it up and did the training. I was nervous going, I was nervous all week, and then Saturday rolled around, and… I liked it! I even built a fire on my first try! I used a dutch oven and coals to cook coffee cake and blueberry muffins, I learned basic orienteering, and a few other things. I also learned that this camp is on a direct approach to Logan International Airport and I didn’t sleep much with the airplanes, but STILL! I slept fine in a tent and enjoyed the experience of being outdoors.

It is interesting to see how life changes…

 

Geeking out on facebook and real life

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I am always amazed at my "real" life. Yes, I love my work even if I complain about it. I love my kids, even when they drive me up a wall, across the ceiling and down the other side.

But, my work life is, well, geeky. I work out simulations of spacecraft observations to make sure we don’t damage the detectors. I work on writing software to review the spacecraft command loads, analyze data, try to predict the future temperatures of our instrument in the Focal Plane, and occassionally I get to do some science.

GEEK!

So I don’t often talk about these things. I figure that the science is just boring to other people. I know, it probably isn’t for some, but I find it is. Sometimes I post on facebook what I am really doing. A friend of mine makes fun of me for Geeking on Facebook. But that is who I am. A geek!