Category Archives: Parenting 101

Say what?

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Last night, I had the joy of going to Soleil’s parent teacher conference. Yea me. NOT.

I hate these. I get to hear the same things, "She’s so smart, but she can’t focus.", "She’s a real pleasure to have in class, but she needs better self control.", and my personal favorite, "I love it when kids read, but I often have to stop her from reading because she needs to follow the class." Last night was not too different. We started with the book statement (yeah, I know…) and then moved onto the "real pleasure" statement. Fortunately, I had started the school year with speaking to her teacher about some of her issues (no-I haven’t gone into them and I probably won’t, but let me say, they aren’t considered special needs so she can’t get an IEP even though she really needs one- But don’t get me going or I will never shut up about the inherent unfairness of the system)

I was waiting for her teacher when the phonics teacher came out of the classroom. I had just discovered on Monday that Soleil went to a phonics class. This was very surprising to me since she has been speaking since 13 months old and her enunciation is the clearest I have heard from a child except when she calls hamstrings "hamsters", but that may just be confusion. Luna clearly needs help with speech and has only recently realized that the word "the" is spelled with the "TH" blend instead of the "D" she hears and says.

The phonics teacher took a moment to introduce herself and tell me a bit about Soleil’s classroom behavior. While doing well, I discovered that she needs extra help with her short vowels. Apparently, she can’t tell the difference between a short "a" and a short "e" sound when speaking. Um, okay…However, she is very fluent and emotive in her speaking and is a real joy to the classroom. After a few minutes of the explicit issues with my daughter’s speech patterns, I couldn’t resist, "I do have to point out ", I said in my best, calm voice, "that both my husband and I are from the mid-west. I am afraid she has learned how to speak with our accent."

Teacher stops and blinks. "Oh! I never thought about that." Blinks some more. I think the gears are moving in her head. I am afraid smoke will start pouring out of her ears in a moment. "Well, I’ll keep that in mind, but if you could help her when reading and speaking, that would really help."

Smiling my best smile that says that I am biting my tongue, I agreed and checked "You said it was her short vowels, right? And we should help her practice?"

"That’s the general idear".

I almost burst out laughing right then and there. A woman with such a strong Boston/New England accent is teaching my kiddo, who has excellent enunciation for someone who could be from Erie PA, how to speak. If she starts replacing random "ah" sounds with "er" sounds and replacing "ar" with "ah", I am going to have to hurt somebody.

Rolling the genetic dice

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I sometimes am absolutely blown away by the wonders of our DNA. This twisting double helix, tiny and beautiful, containing all of the parts that make us up, hidden and exposed, dominant and recessive, active and dormant, is the core of all of us. I look at my daughters and I wonder how two children with the same parents could be so incredibly different?Here’s a quick chart of the differences.

 Luna  Soleil
 Loud  Quiet
 Extrovert  Introvert
 Wants to be read to every night Wants to read in bed every night
 Lots of friends  Not many friends
 No friend is close  All friends are close
 Is afraid that nobody likes her  Knows that only a few like her well
 Will goof  Is afraid to goof
 Follows rules even if they are not reasonable Will question authority wisely
 Likes to tease me to the end of my patience. Knows where I am ready to lose it and stops teasing me!

 

 

 

 

I understand the physical differences, but the internal, who these kids are differences, are so….DIFFERENT, it drives me crazy. Luna teases and teases and teases. Soleil will tease, but quickly stops when she sees that the person is getting upset. I can take Soleil on the playground and she finds a single friend to play with while Luna will have the whole playground wrapped around her finger. However, Soleil’s friendships run deep and Luna is terrified that nobody likes her.

Quiet.Loud.Goofy.Demanding.Plays well with her sister. Loves American Girl Dolls. These things are in common. But when it comes to other things, I do have to wonder.

Feels just like I’m falling for the first time *

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So, let’s talk about feeling like a failure at parenting. First, the disclaimers. No, I am not a failure. Yes, we all have days where we feel like failures. No, this doesn’t mean that we are all creating a master race of self-centered crazy children…

I think, in general, Dr. Jay and I are good at this parenting thing. We’ve tried to create realistic expectations for the kids. We’ve tried to create a balance between responsibilities and fun time. We make sure they get things done, and let them be kids.

However, there are times, like this morning, I feel like I have created a spoiled brat. Luna is, well, stubborn. I can’t imagine where she got it from. (looking away and whistling). When she gets frustrated, she grunts and screams. And I mean SCREAMS. Like holy hell has broken loose and the hounds are about to be released on the next high pitch she makes. This morning? The kitchen island stool she wanted was stuck. So, she yanked at it while grunting. Both Jay and I were right there. All she had to do was ask for help. No, instead she got more and more frustrated. We both lost it. We both yelled (go us! NOT) and she started sobbing for us yelling.

Shining parenting moment there, eh?

The truth is, she’s been staying up too late because she screams at bedtime. I wish it were as simple as putting her in her room, shutting the door and walking away. It doesn’t work. We’ve tried. Trust me. This has got to stop. I just don’t know how.

We’ve tried a new reward routine. That worked until she got enough for her reward.

We’ve tried natural and artificial consequences. The natural leave EVERYBODY in the house pissed. The artificial leave one child sobbing and throwing up and the other with an upset stomach from the screaming.

I just don’t know what to do. I know she is only 6.5 years old, but MAN, shouldn’t she be doing better at this????

Sigh..

Any misery that you would like to share?

* barenaked ladies

Sunny and…warm?

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What is up with the weather? It’s over 70 and sunny here in Boston in late October. WTF? At least I can enjoy my iced Coffee!

Dr. Jay’s MRI came back. It is clean. No tumors, no cysts, no bleeding in the brain. Just his old fractured orbit (a whole other story). We do wonder if his brain was in there. So, the verdict is Meneire’s Disease. Not great, but could be SO SO SO Much worse.

I’ve been very busy and working on not stressing. Three days into the less stress, and I think parts are working. I am blogging, so that has to be evidence, right? We have a busy weekend coming up. Hopefully, it will not be too crazy. The new room is moving slowly because we are still waiting for the last window. Nothing else, but the concrete floor for the storage area and the deck can be completed until the last window is in. Sigh… Thursday is the current ETA.

Mostly, I’ve been looking at the good side of life. The good things we have. How our girls are mostly healthy. They are happy and intelligent. They have a sense of humor along with the seriousness, and except for streaks of stubborness, they are really great kids. I have an awesome husband. He’s the best you can get! He works with me, we partner on so much… While I am not thrilled with my current supervisory position, I am learning to let it go, because I like the work I do. Life is good.

I have also been busy with my allergy shots, now that we’ve added bees/hornets to the mix, but I am not terribly happy about this, so let’s save it for another day.

Halloween Party tonight. Gotta run!

 

Parenting…not for the weak hearted

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The popular radio station in the Boston area is Kiss 108. The kids "ALL" listen to it and one bus driver leaves it on the radio. Jay and I also listen in the morning, but mostly for the morning host. I also like to know what music the kids are listening to, so that does help.

The newest hit that I get stuck in my head is Eminem’s Love the way you lie.  If you are unfamiliar with the song, go, click on that link. READ those lyrics. Note that the female singer is Rihanna. Yes, the same woman who was beaten up by her boyfriend and polls at the time showed 1 OUT OF 5 thought it was OK to slap wives or girl friends. Yes, 20% of the people polled thought domestic violence was okay.

I decided to make this one of those moments which made me feel icky, but had to be dealt with. I asked my girls what that song was about when they started singing Rihanna’s part. Luna piped up with "A boy who is mean to his girl friend". Damn, perceptive little one. Soleil wasn’t sure cause "she likes the way it hurts" so is it okay?

We talked about how this,unfortunately happens when a person hurts a person they love on purpose. We talked about how it is never ok to hit someone you love. We talked about how in Percy Jackson and the Lightning Thief, Percy’s mom is in an abusive relationship to protect Percy (her husband is so horrible that his stench prevents the gods from finding Percy).

We talked about how it usually is a boy hurting a girl, but sometimes, the girl will hurt the boy. That when police are called, most states require SOMEONE to be taken away because many times the hurt person is afraid to say something. That they still love the other person.

It was a tough discussion. I am glad neither of them realized that the last lyrics involve burning his lover to death. I don’t think I could go into that.

I don’t LIKE the lyrics. The song is haunting. I can’t tell if it is to bring out the notion that domestic violence is an issue or to try to explain how it happens or if some kids will think this is the norm. It is the last idea that bothers me.

Oh my Luna Tides

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Luna- Some days I just don’t understand her. She is very much like her father, but still so different.

She screams when she doesn’t get what she wants. SCREAMS. It makes Soleil feel sick to her stomach and she usually gives in to Luna when she screams. Then Soleil is worried we will yell at her. We’ve tried and tried to get both of them to understand that screaming is not the way to get what you want and giving in to screaming just encourages it.

Last night, Luna lost TV privileges. For…screaming…

What a surprise. Today, Dr. Jay went the bribe way. She will get a check on the calendar for each day she can control the tone and screaming. She can also get a check for doing something good in addition to the not screaming. If she gets 25 checks by October 25th, we will have a party. Sigh.. Let’s see if this works. Consequences don’t really matter. Getting what she wants matters.

I am just tired of this. Soleil would scream too, but she is so verbal and in touch with her feelings that we could always talk about it. Luna refuses. I can’t tell if she is understanding her emotions, but ashamed, or if she doesn’t get it.

It is so hard. Sometimes, the whole household feels trapped by her. I hate this. She’s such a great kid, except when she screams.

The first break up

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I didn’t date until I was in college. I was the nerdy kid (what a surprise), who had a few close friends, but knew everybody. Nobody in high school would ever date me. College was different. I remember my first breakup. He decided I was too depressive and needed some professional help. He was right, but it hurt like hell at the time and I ended up going to the physics department and reviewing quantum mechanics to easy the pain.

Last night, I was doing a fractions game with Soleil. Out of nowhere, she started screaming that it was too hard. huh? What? Fractions? No honey, they are great fun! I love fractions!

No, it turns out it wasn’t fractions. She’s had a rough year in 2nd grade. We put her in a class with someone else that is similar to her. The two girls have clashed all year as her friend is not developing emotionally as quickly as Soleil and suddenly Soleil is getting in trouble. She cried that she had no friends. She knows she hasn’t really been invited to birthday parties, she knows how she is on the fringes of classmates. Everyone likes her, but…her closer friends aren’t in her class.

Then the trigger for this event came out. Her friend, Fred (not his real name), told her that they can’t be friends anymore. Apparently his friends are teasing that he loves Soleil (they are good friends) and have told him that he can’t be with her and be friends with them. Clearly, Soleil was hurt and confused. I just let her scream and scream and cry. It was very adult in her expression. She couldn’t hold it together anymore. She wanted a close friend. She wanted life to be more fair. She hates how her "friend" in class tattles and gets Soleil in trouble.

It was a long, hard hour. I was flooded with my memories of childhood friendships and how people I liked suddenly turned on me and were mean. I was sad, but just decided that she needed to get all of this out. This morning, she was better, but I am still recovering.

Lunar Tides

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We are going through a very rough patch with Luna right now. She has always been a very external emotional person. She takes her anger out on other people, she exercises her lungs often and well, and she fails to comprehend that other people have emotions too. Ah- the joys of being 5.

Okay, maybe I am being too harsh on that last one. All children under 6 have no concept of selfishness. The universe still revolves around them. We tell them to share, we talk about how our friends feel when we are selfish, but the truth is, the cognitive abilities of young children are just not there to work well with empathy. I know this. Wait, my BRAIN knows this. The parent who is holding the doorknob of her door while she is grabbing the handle and screaming "I…AM…CALM…I…WANT…TV!" at the top of her lungs wants her to figure this out NOW!

She was the biter in the toddler classroom. When her friends upset her, she would just go for the jugular, or the hand. She liked biting hands or shoulders. We had to hold her tightly to prevent her from biting us. She would sometimes calm and then when I hugged her, she would bite my shoulder. It took a long time, months, of working on getting her to use words instead of teeth or hands to explain her displeasure.

Now, I feel like we are back at square one. Soleil feels ignored, but she is a wonderfully empathic person. She was built with empathy and her issues were trying to balance her selfish nature with her empathy. Until she was 6, the selfish would win out and her concerns of others would fall down. Somewhere, in her summer she turned 6, there was a rapid change. I can only hope that this happens to Luna as well.

Luna turns 6 in 1 month. We’re torn between thinking "She’s only 5" and "damn it! She’s almost finished kindergarten" and even her teacher points out that she is one of the least sharing and immature about sharing in her class. It’s hard to find her. And I know SHE is having trouble finding her. I KNOW in my heart that she wants to learn how to calm. We are giving her lots of tools, but I don’t know if she understands what angers her.

I mentioned this issue on face book (in 1 sentence form) and someone commented that screaming was not allowed in her house. I would love to know how to do that. We already take away privileges if she screams. We have natural consequences (I can’t read as long of a book if she spends 15 minutes screaming. That’s 15 minutes I can’t read). We try to appeal to her selfish nature. It hasn’t been working.

We had different issues with Soleil at this age. But now? We have to focus on Luna. And that is hard. So hard to teach her who she is and how to calm down.

You’re just like everybody else….PRESSURE.*

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* Thanks for letting me borrow, Billy Joel

 

Pressure. Stress. Tension. All normal parts of American life. But not for a 5 year old. Yesterday, Luna had her last skating lesson of this session. I have her signed up for the next one and I am supposed to get a form for the next competition from her coach. I was very upset with her coach. 

Some back story: Her first group coach, P, had to get a "real" job according to her husband, because the ice skating gig wasn’t bringing in enough money. So she got a job and had group coach 2, C, run the program for a few sessions. Luna soared with C. C was the right mix of hands on and helping to position Luna’s body, and goofy when Luna needed to goof. P is now back and she is so harsh on Luna. In fact, in one lesson, she told Luna that if she didn’t work harder, she wouldn’t let Luna do the competition. Now, understand two things: 1) Luna loves the skating. In no way, shape or form are we pushing her. Any competitions are her ideas. 2) She is still 5. Her birthday is in June, so she is the youngest in her class, the immature one, the little one (figuratively). You can’t tell a 5 year old something like that. She’s not cognitively ready for it.

There are 8 levels of Basic Skills in figure skating that one must complete to start freestyle. According to C, Luna has finished level 4, she needs work on one item, but is doing items in levels 5 & 6. According to P, she gave Luna her level 3 patch and refuses to give her level 4 until she has mastered the last element. Luna was upset. As was I!

She is 5. She loves this sport. I am not going to put undue pressure on her. To tell her she has to be absolutely perfect on everything at this stage is, well, too much. I am planning on calling the second coach, C today. I spoke to another mom at the rink yesterday. She has her 11 year old working with C. I will talk to C about semi-private lessons with the 2 girls and see what C thinks. I would rather do that, than have Luna’s spirit crushed.

Why do people put so much pressure on kids? Seriously. If you think she is Olympic material, fine, but don’t crush her soul in the process. I just love to see her have FUN out there.

And even if she isn’t Olympic material (which I seriously doubt she is), I want her to just do this for HER. Not me, not her coaches, HER.

Why the pressure?

An Open Letter: Re Work Stress

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Dear D, P and myself,

 We need to address the stress I feel from work. The situation has become intolerable, and I have started to make changes.

D&P,

First, I appreciate the times you let me be flexible with work.Really really really. The parenting landscape is so different than when I was growing up. I never had the image that mom and dad shared the work the way we do now. And having no family in the area is something that drags us down. We are the point people. 24/7, we back each other up. Without your flexibility, I would have to quit working. Period.

Secondly, I want to remind you both that I do work on my off time. Officially? yes, I don’t work Mondays. Reality? I read and reply to emails all Mondays. I take my computer to Luna’s ice skating and do fix issues there. I take sick leave every week to get my allergy shots, but I often work offline there. Weekends? Evenings? If needed, yes. I do find work is fluid.

Thirdly, I have been taking things too personally. Yes, we are flying a multi billion $ spacecraft. Yes, I know that we don’t want to mess up. But I have to remember that life is what it is. That snuggling with my girls and working are both parts of my life. That I will continue to work hard on things at work, but I really will start stepping back a little.

I got a chance to just sit and be while I was in NC. And it was nice. I want more of that.

And one way is to eliminate stresses in life.

So I will be working on that!

Nance